internet funeral

I vacillate between feeling good about myself vs not feeling good enough. I think that's just life for the most part, but it's hard not to feel inadequate despite everything.

Why do I feel good?

• I'm 31 with no interest bearing debt and have excellent credit, with significant (I feel like) savings.
• I own my car outright and maintain it really well.
• I work hard and earn a median income for my state while also going to school 3 classes a semester.
• I earn that median income with one sales job that I overall enjoy because I love the product and have a LOT of independence when I'm actually at work.
• I just won my companies coveted Regional Sales Champion award! (Only 4 awards given per year for the 4 regions of the USA) Which both of my siblings also won (we all work for the same company) in previous years. My first acrylic award!
• I just graduated with my associates degree with honors after earning As in every class. Attending since late 2020.
• I've got an amazing PC that I built myself when I started attending college, and was lucky when to snag a RX 6800 XT at $649 MSRP at launch, beating the scalpers. I use it with an ultrawide monitor for work/school/fun.
• About to start work on my bachelor's degree in information systems, which I feel I'm going to do really well with as I love working with data and computers.
• Because of my good community college grades and the fact I joined the honor society, I'm qualifying for $8k in scholarships automatically to my university. And my company will cover another $5750 a year in tuition. Meaning over the 3 years I expect the bachelor's portion of my degree to take, I'll have $25k covered of an expected $30k cost for tuition. That's awesome!
• After 3 years with my overall amazing Galaxy S20 5G (that I bought outright for $699) I am about to get a new phone which I'm ordering next week. The Moto Edge+ (2023) with an MSRP of $799. I'm going to order it outright from Project Genesis with a month of service for $425, then I'll pay an unlock service $5 for the unlock code to use it on T-Mobile. Saving myself $370. This phone seems like a huge upgrade, Snapdragon 8 Gen 2, 68watt charging (with the charger included in the box!), 512gb UFS 4.0 storage, 12 - 16 hours of screen on time! Incredible. Though I will miss my S20 as my primary.
• I recently got the Switch OLED and Doyoki Hall Effect joycons and it's been a game changer, literally! I had the original Switch before but never wanted to play it as it's uncomfortable to hold and the screen wasn't very good. With how much I work and go to school I really didn't play much, but with this setup and instant suspend and resume anywhere in a game I'm playing all the time now.
• I have all the kitchen equipment I've ever wanted, and I know how to cook damn good homemade meals, and it's my favorite hobby (even more than gaming).
• I've got a half decent home theater setup, 65 inch TV I got for only $500. With surround sound. I love it. Makes my PlayStation 5 an incredible experience (when I have time to play it).
• I've got 2 beautiful cats, who I love so much!
• I have great relationships with all of my family except for me Dad.
• I've been on 5 cruises in the last 8 years, and I just recently got back from a week long trip to Washington DC with my Mom. It was awesome! Saw so much American/world history there.

Why do I feel bad?

• My Dad has always been toxic, he hates me and thinks I've always been a lazy asshole... Okay Dad. Goodbye. I don't need someone who hates me in my life anymore, so I cut him off. Feels bad, but it's his decision to be toxic enough to push me to do it. 😔
• My dating life is practically non existent, I had a girlfriend once for 6 months but it didn't work out because we just weren't a good match. Otherwise I've been single all my life and can't figure out how to change it. I think I'm just too analytical and think too much. I'm also afraid of being accused of stalking again (compete lie, I've never stalked anyone and never would).
• I'm always afraid of being poor, spending money "unnecessarily" stresses me out. So unless it's something I really really want like a PS5 or a new computer, TV, or KitchenAid, I don't do it because the desire doesn't outweigh the discomfort/fear.

• Getting that new phone is a great upgrade for a great price so I'm doing it, but I still feel it's a waste of money in a way because my old phone works fine for the most part and it is stressing.

• Eating out stresses me because I know it's more food than I should eat, for more money than it would cost me to make equally good food (usually) at healthier portion sizes.

• This also extends to a fear of getting a girlfriend because they'll "expect" me to spend lots of money on them, which I just do not feel comfortable thinking about. Although if I like a woman, and she doesn't seem to expect me to spend money on her, then I WANT to spend money on her ironically.

• The economy always scares me. Going bankrupt from medical bills terrifies me. Rent prices increasing, while my income generally remains the same, scares me. But at the same time I should be able to command a larger income with my upcoming degree and new sales award, so I know I'll most likely be okay.

• Being poor in retirement scares me, I don't want to work at Walmart when I'm 80.

• The world is seemingly going to shit, so many anti science conspiracy idiots. Banning books, access to healthcare, being against policies that would address climate change etc. There's litter everywhere. I can't pickup enough litter, turn off enough lights, prevent enough personal food waste, drive my hybrid enough, or raise my thermostat enough to make any difference. It's so depressing. But, is it also freeing? I'm doing my best, and that's the best anyone can do. (To quote one of my favorite movies).
• I have a really hard time making deep friendships. I don't know how to feel truly comfortable around other people other than my siblings. If I invite people out I feel really pressured to entertain them or start a conversation, I feel awkward etc. So I generally don't invite people to things. I'm doing better, but it's still really difficult.

At times I feel like, what's the point? But I know I'll only feel worse if I let depression actually take hold, I'm in a good place and I'm always improving. So I try to stretch myself and relax about many of these things. Life is good! There's so much to feel good about, and there's always reasons to feel sad but that's life! The world isn't perfect, and never has been. All we can do is our best, working towards a better future for ourselves and dealing with troubles when they happen. Living in fear of the future, ruins our present. Whatever happens, happens. That's what makes life so interesting, the unexpected.

Stay positive my fellow lemmings!