Remember to follow the Traaa com rules or else you are liable for any action that mods deem necessary
IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)
On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!
Do you love transgenders?
Do you love communism?
Do you love queer romance?
Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?
Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?
Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?
All of the answers should be: YES I DO ~~or else I WILL BAN YOU~~
Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY
The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists 
, Zionists 
(they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The 'Anarchists' (social chauvanists) 
in Bosporus, and the monarchs 
of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.
On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union 
is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain 
)that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human 
, Shimmi 
(Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran 
(a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.
First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist 
leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home 
, but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. 
As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack...
And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.
Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands
All are Communists 
All serve the Union 
All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism 
but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt
Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?
Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)
FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/
please do or else I will pout incessantly
just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK
(I miss her, she was a real one)
REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
spoiler
damn this book just keeps sounding better and better (despite your criticisms of the relationship), i should call in sick and work through my book backlog (booklog?) lmao
Here's a fun thingy: you can read my posts about it from the beginning, which would be funny. It is a grand slam for representation in fiction honestly.
waow, you think i should put it before orange book?
No, read Orange Book first. Depths is good slop but Orange Book is quasi theory.
got it! i am slow on books but i'll try to do some reading tonight, i might give Gender Outlaw a bit of a break and come back to it later
spoiler
damn i have been missing out gonna have to smash out orange quick then
It's a short but startlingly cool scene. I was and continue to be a big fan. Gay...
super based, only sad thing about being monogamous is i can only be gay in fiction
Gotta get your gay somewhere
true, also watching you and magi be adorable, very cute
We're just silly
waow all of these posts are actually the most based feed, how'd you filter it like that? or are you just that unfathomably cool in every post? :)
Click "Search", by creator ashinadash, sort old!
are you implying that you got less based over time? i dont think that's true
Oh, no I just sorted by Old so the first posts I made about Unjust Depths would come first. My posting is always improving
ngl i want to read these posts
Uh I have posted about stuff here, mostly horrifyingly overpersonal sex and trauma posts. Maybe change the search word to "sex" lol. I stayed off of posting about hot t4t spidermommy erotica though because volcel.
feels like i should make some of those too just to balance it out, i don't like knowing more about people than they know about me, but i'll take a look regardless
I actually do appreciate that because sometimes it ends up where the gutspilling is uneven, but my public posts are for public viewing :) Here's a fun one to read lol.
wow, that was actually fucking amazing, thank you for sharing! i actually ... can relate in some ways, as I'm sure you can guess regarding my earlier posts.
evening the scales, nsfw (although i am TOTALLY working at the same time lol) (sorry if this is against the rules or too much idk)
I have Complicated thoughts about sex.i've had what i think are autosexual tendencies regarding dressing a certain way etc, as well as kink stuff, when i was young i liked to do self-bondage. (sorry if this is tmi!!! sorry if all this is tmi!!!)
even if i am intimate with someone else, i still enjoy being intimate with myself, even right after, or on my own schedule. it's like i have two separate sex drives (and the intimacy-with-other-people drive is very low)
i don't get aroused to want to f someone ever, or haven't in a while, usually my partner needs to do some Konami code shit that neither of us have figured out and the stars need to align and finally i'll be like "ok i want you to touch me." if it weren't for all the other stuff i'd call myself acespike.
for some reason, reading fiction absolutely is a component in this, wayhaven got me all
as well as much much more embarrassing shit
my partner is not very toppy, like at all, and while i used to be very active in the kink scene and liked the idea of people topping me and doing M/s stuff etc, the real thing was nothing like the fantasy at all and i chafed against it really hard. I think my partner can tell, so we rarely do any power exchange (and he's not into it on his own, he just likes doing things i like which makes it hard if indeed i am looking to feel his arousal at topping me)
i'm very sensitive sensorally, but it can be very difficult to actually connect with someone during because i am fantasizing about something else that i read or saw somewhere.
i feel kinda awful about this because sex is supposed to be about connection with a person, but instead i'm thinking about sexy vampires or clothes i could be wearing that i think are sexy or whatever! wtf
i have trouble dressing "sexy" because of brainworms, but i fantasize about it, so i thought kink could help here, but i am just too stubborn and i think that it's a part of me that wants someone to push past my boundaries, but since that's fucked up and not actually hot, just trying to force myself to be more ok than i am, it doesn't work.
i did poly for a while, but got very hurt and burned from it, but i still have trouble setting boundaries with people (and of course everyone has a different definition of "friendship" vs "relationship", i'm pretty messed up in this regard, i find hugging my parents and friends difficult, but secretly want to rest my head in a trans lesbian's lap and hear them talk about their special interests to their partner and just kinda enjoy the empathetic comfort and feelings of their relationship (oh god well i guess that's not secret anymore mega cringe)) at all so i'm afraid of having crushes as i don't want to hurt my partner because he is the sweetest guy on the earth, and i don't want to threaten that relationship.
what is a crush, anyway? i've had lots of crushes throughout my life i think, and i wonder how many have actually been sexual desire or if i just misattribute the feeling i get from some people when i like them of "I WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS NOW AND TALK TO YOU EVERY DAY LATE INTO THE NIGHT" as a romantic crush because of the intensity and NT expectations. damn, my brain is weird
i probably need to reframe all of this now that i realize i feel other people's emotions strongly. i wonder how many times i've been aroused that i was actually feeling some else's arousal (the answer is probably a lot more than zero)? what is mine? i'm not sure if i have any outside of myself!
ok, i scared myself when i wrote this all out, welp
i am probably gonna delete this later lol,
Wtf no, you're welcome but wtf you are scarred for life now smh. Big scary sex post. That's cool though :)
spoiler
Weh! I'm glad you said all this stuff, it's really darn cool and I appreciate it, but don't be pushing past your limits or anything, okay? Do what makes you comfortable y'know.
even longer sorry!
starting from the end on this onetbh i thought you were going to think i was creepy or that someone else was gonna come in here and make fun of me or i was gonna get banned lol, but it's such a relief to get all of this off my chest so i did it anyway ... plus i think you understand me pretty well and i might learn something too.
true, i had some close calls, luckily no hospital trips required. parents only caught me once, scarred me for life tho
i was doing the thing where you feel so called out by something that you turn it into a joke as i didn't know about it until i read about it (and would have thought it was super weird). but uhhh yeah it seems to be a real thing that i feel! i have had crushes on fictional characters throughout my life, and it has always been a source of shame, so i buried it even from myself.
YES, THIS!!!! i could have written this exact paragraph!!!!!!!!!! (I keep thinking bottom surgery will make insertive fun since the reasons i don't like the insertive stuff i can do are ... well, i'm sure you can guess. who knows if that's actually the case though)
if i'm being really honest i'm not sure if i want to have anyone really to do this stuff with, it being my own thing means i don't have to mediate for someone else's desires at all.
I tried to write on emotional intimacy twice and erased both because I don't feel like I have a good handle on it. I don't think the following is 100% figured out yet so don't hold me to this:
emotional intimacy (not in the sexual sense here anymore, i'm not sure i have a sexual version of this) for me is rare in the sense that i really trust only my partner right now to be vulnerable around in person (it's way easier online over text since i can mediate my reactions and process things more), but i've only just shared my previous post with him as this is all new to me. it comes from conversations or touch, but i don't think it's sexual for me.
this is why it's so difficult for me to find the line between relationship and friendship, because i have no idea how to fit any of those things into those two boxes. if i wanted to cuddle my friends, would they think it was a romantic thing? would my partner? would i? gah
fuck yes (also lmao at your phrasing) i do this when the bf is out, sometimes i go all out even, even the guilt afterwards has lately been really minimal lmao. so glad i'm not the only one and that it can be a positive thing.
if i'm being honest, i'm probably naturally more inclined to poly just with the way that I can attach to and get very emotionally close to people if I'm not careful, but i found it very hard to get my needs met and there was a severe lack of stability and it was all so sex-focused, so i was just left feeling kinda empty and unfulfilled.
my ideal situation would be to have my partner be my safe person (heretofore I will refer to him as Safe Partner) and maybe just have people (or maybe a couple) that I can be really emotionally close to, so i can experience gayness secondhand. But, I'm worried whether I would enjoy that in practice, and what my needs would be in that situation, so it's gonna be fantasy for now. Of course I want to be really really mindful of Safe Partner's feelings about it, and everyone's, and I really would not want to hurt anyone. I guess I have unicorn fantasies, but not in a sexual way, which was the mistake I made before.
yep absolutely i feel this:
re.
i try to keep a tight lid on this one, but if i didn't i would too. i actually have a protective part of me reminding me if i get too like this "she called you paranoid last week" or really pointing out any flaw to keep me from getting hurt (I was called creepy a LOT for this when I was younger, as all my feelings would swirl together and I wouldn't know how to express them and I would get very intense). i think that my biggest desire right now is to find some friends that can make that protective part feel safe enough to truly relax around people :)
so cute asdsdfjsdlkfjrtj
yep! i think it's good though! i'm finally starting to understand some stuff. (plus, fuck work amirite it's nearly 4pm already and i've done like 10 minutes today lmao, staring at a spreadsheet right now that i just do not care about)
it's so nice to have you take it so seriously as i put a lot of thoughts into these. thank you so much. i do feel very comfortable talking to you both (and if anyone else sees it, well not like they know where i live lol). it's possible i'm just one of several chatters to you and i'll probably never match your posting power but i am so glad to have found the two of you to talk with, i feel very seen anyway :)
i feel like i've barely scratched the surface here for myself, waow it's gonna take like 100 more posts to get to the bottom of this
waow....
Okay cool, very nice, glad to help you get all of that out then honestly โจ I'd voice objections (if I had any) but I tend to reserve incredibly rude shit for like, lemmitors lol. Also I'm pretty sure all this (behind spoilers, not awoogabrained) is above board for the trans mega. If you could learn something from the silly internet site that would be rad.Oh
Well that explains a lot, I think if I had been caught doing anything as a kid I woulda quit, my condolences.
Ugh I hate that it's like this, things like this are why I'm so against "cringe" as a concept, like literally shaming someone for being dorky and having crushes on characters... why though? What possible reason? Is that bad? (it isn't) Shaming people over stuff like this is loser shit 99% of the time.
Blegh, yeah I've been there. For me, I figure if I have no interest in it now, I'm not convinced it's worth it getting everything below the belt reconfigured just for that. I have a bunch of other reasons I'm not into bottom surgery but y'know.
Ah I see, I misunderstood, mb. I think having something be your own like that is probably pretty good. Regarding emotional intimacy, yeah same, I only trust my wife basically. Despite being a yapper online I don't really know anybody irl, blegh. And I can agree that it feels weird trying to draw the line between friendship and relationship, there are people who cuddle their friends for e.g., but who knows what any given person thinks right? Kind of have to ask, and that could be fuckin devastating easily...
Hmmmm, but that's so based though, darn... I'm noticing that finding out your needs is a common throughline, not just for you but for lots of people, and is goddamn annoying. Since I'm dead curious though, do you know your safe partner's temperature on that kinda stuff? Have you poked around about that much?
Also your partner seems kinda based, Idk
gettin some good vibes.
I swear we need a People's Vanguard that just beats people to death with hammers for shit like this. I get that sometimes if someone dumps a bunch of emotions on you it can feel like too much, but "creepy"? I would simply not be mean to autistic effusive dorks, perhaps I am built different. Finding friends that make the protective part of you chill the hell out would be rad though.
You're welcome!! I like when I can go back and forth with huge, basically infodumps about personal stuff, I like knowing things abt people I guess. It's a lil special to me, I think. Again I'm glad to hear you feel comfortable getting all this stuff out and that you feel very seen, you should probably talk tomore neurodiverse queers honestly. Hopefully it takes you less than 100 more posts to get to the bottom of this โจ
how did it get so long again...
glad to hear it! i appreciate people being direct about their needs and wants. i know i'm not always direct due to trauma and shit, and i wouldn't be surprised if most people with our kind of life experience struggle too with it too, but reading you write "be assertive with me!!!" really kinda inspired me to be more honest. it's been difficult for me to open up and even disagree with people haha so this is a Big Deal.
haha yep, still struggle with it. found out my dad used to crossdress though thanks to that, the most awkward conversation of my fucking life.
yeah cringe as a concept is something i want to stop caring about - i want to lean into the cringe until i stop caring tbh
totally fair, tbh i still feel like i'm on the fence, i get very scared reading about regrets about surgery and the after work, but i just hate seeing that bulge. (do i hate it because of dysphoria or cis-heteronormativity?)
tbh when magi said similar, I've been thinking really hard about whether I want irl people because of societal expectations or because of some unmet need. It's totally valid to not want to be around people irl, like even i see my friends once every 2 months lol for board games and i would understand someone wanting even less than that, or none at all.
but, for me, i worry about not having a support network if i need it, and so i want people that i have a fair relationship with (oh man, yes there's a lot to unpack here on my concepts of "fairness" in relationships lol but that's its own post). i also want to know that i can call on people if i need to chat or for help, and ... well, i like to take care of and help the people i care about too. i'm not sure if that necessitates irl relationships though
damn this is confusing
yeah i did that once, and got ghosted for it, lol. i think i just won't approach the subject with allistics anymore, especially since honestly i'm not even sure if i want that, haha. maybe i just want to be in the same room, you know, and irl i'd actually be like "no touchie tyvm." hard to say for sure until i try anything, and it's probably highly dependent on the person too haha. (i guess i am very catlike) plus i have someone i can cuddle with literally whenever, i'm pretty conflicted about all of that.
so i actually just asked him about this - i asked him if he believes in the concept of "emotional cheating" and he said "no, but wait what is that? probably no though." i attempted to describe how i feel when i feel positive feelings about people and he was just like "no that's not a problem, sometimes people will be closer to others at different times" lol. he's great. but is that really "poly"? i've only heard the NT definition of it tbh, maybe my stuff doesn't even fit, loads of people are super close with their friends, only redditors seem have a problem with that.
this was so relateable that i laughed out loud for some reason. that is exactly the feeling. i had someone call me "paranoid" a couple weeks ago when i said my phone has basically only open source software on it and for sure there was a week or two where i didn't text her lol. did i shout at her? no. do i wish someone more word-competent and less conflict-adverse had assertive'd her for me? absolutely lmao. if we didn't have so much shared history and i didn't care about her well-being i probably would have just ghosted (this is bad of me, i know, i should tell people about these things, and to be fair i did try my best to display how her comment made me feel at the time), but we go way back.
he is so calm, all the time, it's so nice
, i want to show him to everyone i meet and be like "see? look how cool he is!!! ask him about retro games!!!"
yeah, it's a lot. i think my solution will probably just be to keep allistic people at a safe distance (which for the record i think is a standard NT disatance), and really only open up my soul to autistic people.
I hope I am the same too, but I'm worried that I'm not - I think my fears are likely unfounded though.
oh yes, this shit is my absolute jam. unfortunately my partner parses emotions quite slowly (relative to me) so he can't keep up with the speed at which i generate opinions, but that's why i'm here! i like knowing things about people too, i like to get deep into their thoughts and really understand different perspectives.
yeah agree, it's helpful to hear a diversity of opinions here from the various people who hang in this thread, as a start. not sure where else to find them haha (i have low tolerance for lib spaces)
idk i'm autistic online too but i'm much more reserved in my opinions until someone prods me, but yeah i think i understand what you might be getting at - you're just being yourself, right?
I opened this on my desktop PC and it overflows a 1080p monitor, lol lmao
I think most people in the west at least do, pretty traumatic society with traumatic norms. Death to amerikkka and all its allies btw!! I'm happy to hear my dumb idiot posting is inspiring though, good Big Deal!!
When ur cringe but free :3 it's rad, defeating that kinda Rejection Sensitivity-esque response is hard but I like yapping a lot.
HEY! Quit looking into my brain!!!
Dunno about you but for me, I think I mostly don't mind except for fashion, outfits. I wanna have a flat front for aesthetic reasons basically. So I should look into compression fits and tucking instead. It kinda scared me when I got on here and realised I mostly wanted bottom surgery for cisnormative binary reasons, my thinking got realigned thankfully.
Yeah I'm not sure, I have the desire for irl people but maybe not the aptitude. I might be better off on the internet, not as much stress or executive dysfunction involved. Not a lot of people treat that as viable though... "i worry about not having a support network if i need it," I am so cooked lmao
Uh being catlike is based
I would hope not interacting with allistics as much would help, it does seem tough to parse though.
Okay yeah he is based, I like your guy. "see? look how cool he is!!! ask him about retro games!!!" You should probably do this tbh! But I have no fuckin idea what qualifies as poly and not, people are scary Idk
spoiler
preamble: sorry if i'm talking too much, i hope you will not hesitate to tell me if you want to pick this up another time! it's also ok to reply later, tomorrow, etc., or just say one thing as well, all goodyep absolutely!!!
YEP, I WISH HE WOULD NOT TALK ABOUT THIS. he started talking to me about porn today and i was like ughhhhhhhh dad i am not ok with this wtf. i used to have intrusive thoughts about seeing him naked (NOT SV, just getting ready in the morning ...), made me really squeamish about guydick for a while. (yikes I have not told anyone this before)
I haven't looked too much into Rejection Sensitivity (have heard of it), but I think that it's a good way to describe it. I have it really really bad, to the point where I think there are times when I run away from prospective relationships/friendships entirely before I can get rejected. I want to defeat it too. It's hard, especially with new people. It helps to disappear, cry, and have Safe Partner tell me that I probably shouldn't reject myself before people actually reject me. So uhh yeah that happened today anyway I feel better now.
I feel this, but there's a couple other things for me as well, it just looks really out of place on me, and I usually have to tuck it between my legs to look at myself in the mirror, in the bath, etc. But, it can't be that bad if I've held off 15 years, right? So conflicted.
yeah totes, it's entirely possible I'll end up in the same place, trying to claw back the referral that got sent out lol. Lucky Canada is Canada so I got loads of time, just sent it off a few weeks ago.
yes, I actually still feel this despite having irl friendships in the past, but I guess I can thank masking for that. even just on the internet I can get super stressed. I don't really know what to do about it rather than just try to unmask more, push myself to ignore the
, and if people don't like me they can stop responding ig. my best friends in my teen years were internet friends, i have very fond memories of chatrooms lol. i never cared where they were from or what they looked like, one of them got me into programming and that became my career (sorry if i've shared this already)
okay, so, i've given it a lot of thought, and my master plan is now to web search "trans communist (but good communists like the ones on bear site) autistic adults in my area" and like, refuse to meet them in person until i know they're safe, after a good several years of text chat or something. i know there are hexbears in my city! i know the political climate here lol. we have fightback and cpc posters on the same telephone poles side by side lol
100%, talking to autistic people on this site is so much easier, i don't have to constantly be searching for the secret unsaid truth and i can just read the text plainly.
yes, haha frick i am not sure any of this fancy irl relationship stuff is worth it lol. sorry you have to see me all back and forth, i'm very divided on it! (but I wouldn't call what I'm looking for poly, just like... i want a Best Friend, you know?)
100%, this, based, exactly, tbh, tbh, tbh. we have a long history, but i want her to succeed at school now and she just moved here from Smaller And More Bigoted Town an hour away and of course I care about her, so I want to help out.
haha, i am not sure it's worth explaining the real me to NTs (other than Safe Partner), a lot of tedious "no, not like that" and "no, i meant what I said..." I still like NTs and other kinds of NDs of course, a lot, but there's a deeper connection imo that I can only really get with people like me fr fr.
yep!!!!!!!!!!
tbh, i think my real self, unmasked, might be just as outspoken, but it's too soon to tell :)
spoiler
The main thing I was finding was my wrists were getting tired, lol. New day new wrists!!!No wtf? It's not like going and getting vaginoplasty is easy, sheesh. Idk sounds to me like you have dysphoria around it, and if you could get something done abt it, that would be pretty cool. I do not tuck to look at myself in the mirror and stuff, lol. I dunno, y'know?
I wish I had a better solution than this but like, yeag... I dunno, again don't push yourself too much. I did a LOT of yapping where nobody responds and it always felt terrible, sometimes still do lol. Chatroom friends are based, programming waow........ I wish I was programming......
Haha would be nice, imagine that smh. I think I'm still in "wife is my best friend" town honestly. Friends? Lol lmao.
Oh okay same person!! Living in bigoted town makes you hate foss, I see
good to know...
I hope your real unmasked self is loud and talkative, very based. Might be fun โจ
i'm sorry, they are getting even longer...
hey so um before all of this, i just want to say again that i really really don't want you to feel any obligation whatsoever to do all of this emotional labour just for my sake (even though I appreciate it!!). i hope that if you're continuing to talk to me about this that you're getting something out of it too. most people in my life can't handle this much text from me, and if that's you, it's no big and I still like you and want to chat about other things :)literally me, i had to switch to a split keyboard (and switch to Colemak) & trackball for work, if i play too many PC games and my chair isn't set up perfectly ergonomically as well i can get into a lot of pain, but i still want to play them, so bleh. typing is generally less bad, luckily my laptop is pretty easy, but if i'm being honest it builds up for me over a few days and i've done a lot of typing in the past few days lol. that being said, I'm on my laptop lying in bed right now, not very ergonomic, but I can only really think when I'm lying down lol
just generally inhabiting a body is such a nuisance sometimes, i want to upload myself to the internet
good idea, i dm'd him, easiest way to be honest lol
yeah, i only started putting the pieces together about this yesterday, oof. sorry about that. 100% a me thing. i am finally starting to feel that feeling of "oh god how deep do the masks go?" as i'm realizing how much people pleasing i do, how much I think I know something about myself only to realize it's more complicated than that etc. It's cheezy, but I think I'd describe myself as an iceberg, where it just keeps going deeper and deeper the more I look under the surface. (and it's probably best to avoid me
)
yeah, it's complicated. some days i'm meh, some days i'm frustrated, but mildly, you know? is mild frustration really work all the work and pain and aftercare and risk? i have lots of thinking to do still, but it's helpful to know what it's like for you ty.
i'll probably be a bit slower today. I tried working this morning but man I just can't be f'd today. I am still thinking about our conversation Sunday, I really do appreciate it, I haven't decided exactly what my next plan is, but for the time being I've decided to do as little work as possible and spend that time doing things I enjoy and dream about taking a month off to go on a train ride across the country. i should call in sick today lol and just spend the day on thinking about this, maybe i will
update: ok i called in sick lol
100% this hurts, every time it makes me feel really alone and like I am strange, like no one likes me, and it's why I've been so hesitant to post at all even though I've been here for a year (well, that and I can't handle mean comments, Reddit taught me never to post anywhere). i know the rational response is that it got lost in the confusing sea of posts, or they just don't have anything to say, or they scrolled past. i guess i just fantasize about someone(s) who is literally me fr fr responding to all of my posts and nodding enthusiastically and adding their own perspective and telling me what they think I should do and it being kind of a Thing. uh, wait, I guess all of that is exactly what's happening in this conversation actually. I'm living the dream!! Someone is actually listening to all of my thoughts and isn't immediately running away from how many there are and how contradictory they are!!
lmao
god, if i could clone myself and just talk to her all day i absolutely would. that's the best friend i need lmao. we could take turns working a dumb job too and no one would be able to tell ... i shouldn't fantasize about impossible things.
one of my aunts, who i do not talk to ever, used to call up everyone on her birthday, and ask them to wish her happy birthday. believe it or not, this wasn't an act of passive-aggression from her, she just wanted to be cared for and was not afraid to ask for her needs. i think about this a lot, despite never wanting to see her again.
Safe Partner does his best, but even sometimes when I talk to him about an interest, he doesn't really know how to reciprocate and match my energy, so I feel a bit lonely sometimes even though he is great in so many ways.
i worry about unbalanced relationships a lot, like what if i want to be closer to someone and they don't? hard to tell sometimes what someone's thinking. maybe they're not sure about me, maybe they're afraid too, maybe i'm coming on too strong, maybe i'm just broken and clingy. it's led to me disappearing in all kinds of places before. i want to be more relaxed about this stuff, but i don't know how. this is why i want to embrace the clone life. 3-way polycule between Safe Partner, me, and me please.
does it help you when people respond, even if they haven't read the book/watched the show/played the game/thought about it? I've been wondering if that would be good enough for me.
damn, based, remind me to rant at you about programming languages and frameworks in the future, I have some infodumps stored up in my mind about gamedev, webdev, lol. maybe you can learn! (if you want) i taught basic webdev at college for a bit, felt so alive, so i'm happy to answer questions or walk people through things (this is one of the highlights of my job)
i slept on this, i'm more conflicted about this than I originally thought. sorry, you're getting the raw uncertainty now!
today, the thought of actually trying to find people like me fr fr in meatspace seems impossible (and also fills me with a lot of conflicting emotions). i think that there's probably like 8 people on the entire planet that i would tolerate that would tolerate me back and i don't think they're the kind of people that go out. plus i need to worry about what to wear, who is around, sensory issues, conversational pacing, needing to respond as soon as they say something instead of being able to take hours to think about it... yuck. long back and forth, like cyper-penpal stuff, feels good (you know, except ... job, wrists, lack of sleep, lol), because it's so flexible and i can really take my time to think, so maybe I'll just stick around here for a while haha.
also: i've been to the university here once to see the uni orchestra play Mahler's 1st when i first moved here, it's kinda out of the way of downtown as unis tend to be. it was great, i loved it, but uh not much interest in going back
also: it was one telephone pole a couple years back, not sure how widespread it was, i didn't even see it in person, Safe Partner sent me a pic lol when he was out
totally fair, i'm still not 100% sure what this need in me is, and what would fulfill it, i'll let you know when i figure it out... it might be something completely unexpected once i get further unmasking, which is the worst part about rushing anything tbh. i have ended up in situations like first chapter of Orange Book due to strong emotions leading me into things too fast without any mediation, based on a misunderstanding of myself.
i have an absolute list of essays i want to write for bear site since you mentioned that i could even do that, it's getting longer every day. but you can judge for yourself whether you think i am talkative, if uh this post even fits on one screen lol
I'm gonna be snackin and winding down and stuff in a sec so I won't be at the keyboard again till tomorrow, but I'm marking this reply unread 'cause I'm gonna do it (a big silly reply) tomorrow โจ
thank you and no problem <3 have a good night!