ADHD and Sleep

I woke up today… at 01:00. Although not out of the question from my already erratic sleep schedule (Ramadan does not help either) but I did have a relatively busy day and slept quite early, so a tiny bit perplexing but I decided to leave it at that.

I fell asleep again at 6:00 and got woken up by alarms at 10:30… and proceeded to sleep again. Briefly woke up at 12:30, only to fall asleep and woke up at 18:30. I am not even fasting currently but I technically did by just not eating the whole day?

This has happened before of course, but it never ends up feeling good. My head has this fatigue, my body feels like I committed a war crime and deserved to be punished. I try take things day by day, I finally got a new prescription (Lisdexamfetamine dismesylate), since the old one ended not so well (methylphenidate).

I have been described as the primarily inattentive, after being diagnosed a year ago.

I can’t help but feeling the symptoms are becoming worse even though i know objectively that has not been the case.

I am trying to not overthink and put all blame on myself. I have went to too many years of therapy to allow that anymore.

But it still feels like absolute shit.

When I am awake, I am at a constant state of restlessness and brain fog, and when asleep, it never feels restful and I often wake up anxious.

Like I said, I just got prescribed a new medication (after waiting MONTHS!) and intended to start it today morning when I wake up. Never happened of course so now I just feel like screaming into the void.

I have sometimes remarkable self-control in not feeding into negative thoughts and self-hating thought patterns nowadays, but it is times like this I can’t stop feeling slightly hopeless. Like I went through all this shit throughout my life and it still feels like I am back at square one.

I say this with restraint because another part of me, annoyingly and insistent, that says that things have changed, that things will get better because it already has. I go around in circles in trying to think straight. But it never goes to plan.

But it’s back to the basics right? Focus on what I can do right now, get some food, focus on something stimulating that can satisfy that craving in my brain and so I feel ever so slightly less terrible and not a complete failure.

“ADHD symptoms counteracted by high iq and family system while young” my ass. Great I did well in my academics and now I am thousands of kilometres away from home in a so-called world class university barely feeling human for 99.99% of my existence.

But it is what it is yeah? We move on because that’s all we can do.

Also, just found out I ran out of fruit juice (where will I get my glucose rush now?) fuck me