(This was mostly written for narration when I was planning on making a long documentary about the entire story. Now I want to create something short, which means less focus on small details of personal events. I will need to remove most of the details that are not related to the 2 items of the list at the bottom.)
On April 21, 2023, there was a retreat day at school. It counted as a school day, so I attended mostly because I had to. The retreat was about Jesus being a divine healer. I mysteriously had a lot of mental clarity during it.
[Display a basic timeline of the day]
One moment, I was thinking about the possibility of being healed from my addiction and returning to Jesus in many years, like in the year 2030 or something. A few hours later, I was in a state of grace. Let's back up a little bit.
At the end of the retreat, in the cafeteria, we had adoration. I sensed Jesus a lot. I really saw that I was looking at Jesus. There was also a bunch of priests available for confession, and the guy with the acoustic guitar encouraged us to go to confession even if it's been a while, which probably made it seem more like the normal and right decision to me. I knew about the possibility of going to confession at that time. Knowing about that possibility was routine. But this time, I did something different. Without thinking I would actually do it, I took little steps towards it. I used the examination of conscience that was handed out, along with my memory of the list of sins that I made 7 months earlier, to write down what to confess. I knew that confession would be almost pointless if I did not start going to Mass on Sundays, so I was also thinking about the need to tell a parent about that so I could be taken to Mass, which was hard because I had severe social anxiety back then. I became hopeful that I could do that. Now the decision to go to confession gradually formed. I was prepared. The next step was to get out of my seat. Having strength was more important for this moment than for any other moment in my life. It felt like I was glued to my seat, but I did not give up. I was clinging onto something, probably hope. Eventually, I got up, walked to the back, and looked for a priest. After many awkward seconds, one of the Dominican sisters asked me if I needed confession, and I said "yeah." All of the priests were praying, so she got the attention of one of them, and then me and the priest were walking into a room. I was in a very important place. It felt like a different world. My heart was racing, but I did not hesitate. Also, it was the most in persona Christi experience of my life, enough that after I confessed my sins and said "for these sins and the sins I have forgotten", I then said "forgive me" without thinking. The priest was excited about me coming back into the Church, and the only penance I was assigned was to pray for the person I said I had grudges against. The priest saying the words of absolution was very exciting. The repentance actually being done felt very strange. A few days later, I knew that my addiction was gone for good.
These are to be included as 1 or 2 elements of the Pansystellar Architecture:
- "Without thinking I would actually do it, I took little steps towards it."
- "...I did not give up. I was clinging onto something, probably hope."