The Onion

51

362

Child dying from measles just glad he isn't autistic - The Beaverton (www.thebeaverton.com)

submitted 2 weeks ago by GrymEdm@lemmy.world to c/theonion@midwest.social

4 comments fedilink

Bartlet, who says he used to enjoy Pokemon, soda, and being alive, tells everyone how great it is to be left totally defenseless against common childhood diseases from the 1940s.

52

382

Study: Overuse Of Hair Detangler Giving Rise To Product-Resistant Supertangles (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by RmDebArc_5@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

9 comments fedilink

53

127

Amazon's New Warehouse Robot Mocks Workers With Bathroom Breaks (isglitch.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by EtAl_isGitch@lemmy.world to c/theonion@midwest.social

3 comments fedilink

Latest AI Enhancement Includes 'Biological Function Simulation Protocol'

54

753

RFK Jr announces plan to put cocaine back into Coca-Cola (chaser.com.au)

submitted 3 weeks ago by Garibaldee@lemm.ee to c/theonion@midwest.social

54 comments fedilink

55

465

Donald Trump spends afternoon killing all Thanksgiving turkeys pardoned by Joe Biden (newsthump.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social

10 comments fedilink

56

262

FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by RmDebArc_5@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

16 comments fedilink

57

385

Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Absolutely Incredible Single Day Of Retirement (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by RmDebArc_5@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

11 comments fedilink

58

945

Defiant Joe Rogan insists he’s not a propaganda asset, just actually this stupid (www.thebeaverton.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social

84 comments fedilink

59

533

Conservative Vows to End All Systems of Child Abuse Except Ones That Actually Exist (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 3 weeks ago by seahorse@midwest.social to c/theonion@midwest.social

8 comments fedilink

60

289

Local Police Department’s Secret Santa Gift Exchange Entirely Made up of Punisher Merch (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 3 weeks ago by seahorse@midwest.social to c/theonion@midwest.social

4 comments fedilink

61

268

Netanyahu Insists on Crimes Against Humanity During Game Night (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 3 weeks ago by seahorse@midwest.social to c/theonion@midwest.social

1 comments fedilink

62

113

Dead Bird On Sidewalk Leads Man To Contemplate Own Inevitable Collision With Plate Glass (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by jbk@discuss.tchncs.de to c/theonion@midwest.social

2 comments fedilink

63

344

It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by FlyingSquid@lemmy.world to c/theonion@midwest.social

4 comments fedilink

64

483

Misinformation Laws Not Necessary, Says Meth Addict Peter Dutton (theshovel.com.au)

submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social

23 comments fedilink

65

251

‘You’re The Bonnie To My Clyde,’ Says Biden Running Off With Pardoned Turkey (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social

4 comments fedilink

66

137

God Looks 400 Millennia Younger After Infusing Self With Son’s Blood (theonion.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by RmDebArc_5@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

2 comments fedilink

67

375

Beaverton: Experts warn Trump dangerously close to figuring out where Canada is (thebeaverton.com)

submitted 3 weeks ago by GrymEdm@lemmy.world to c/theonion@midwest.social

3 comments fedilink

While experts have chillingly predicted that Trump may soon be able to identify Canada on a globe, others have offered hope.

“I don’t often say this as a medical professional, but we’ve really got dementia on our side here,” explains Dr. Arthur Anderson of the Calgary Alzheimers Research Alliance.

Dr. Anderson elaborates, “Given how much of the campaign President Trump spent rambling to Joe Rogan and jerking off microphones, the prognosis indicates that by January he won’t be able to find a bathroom unassisted, let alone Canada.”

68

496

Trump Begins War on Elites by Giving Them Powerful Government Appointments (theshovel.com.au)

submitted 3 weeks ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/theonion@midwest.social

6 comments fedilink

69

100

Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé | ONN (youtu.be)

submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by TachyonTele@lemm.ee to c/theonion@midwest.social

3 comments fedilink

70

591