The Onion

(Washington DC) As Republicans scramble to justify not releasing the Epstein files after campaigning heavily on their release, more concerning news has come from the White House that the president has begun referring to himself as “Doctor trump.” Multiple White House staff, who ask not to be named, say the president’s staff has requested all White House personnel use the new title when in his presence.

“We think a real doctor left a stethoscope in the Oval Office,” said one, “and he started playing with it… either that or he was commenting on how smart it sounds to say doctor when you have a PhD… look, we can only say he says he’s a doctor, and we’ve been told to play along.”

When questioned, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the new change. “The president is the doctor America needs,” she said at a fundraising event for a golden calf statue being planned for the White House Christmas. “The main stream media should go back to school, to try to keep up with the most brilliant leader of the free world.” She would not answer questions about what kind of doctor trump claimed to be, only saying, “he is the best kind of doctor, that’s all that matters.”

Trump was also vague about the title at his golf course in New Jersey on Saturday, while taking break from golfing in Florida. “I could be a doctor of golf, if I wanted… the Masters… only the Masters, I could play in the Doctors, it’s better than the Masters, I’ll show you, the Saudis did it, it’s very classic. Oh, what kind of doctor am I? Well why don’t you guess a few times, I don’t think you can get it but you can try.” He rebuffed many attempts by the press to guess, pausing only briefly before denying ‘Ultra-Money-Making’ as his specialty.

Democrats responded sharply, by stating that the title of Doctor is not something to be trifled with, and pointing out the many Democrats with actual doctorates or medical degrees. But some political watchers note that complaining, a common Democratic tactic, does not seem to hinder the president from doing what he wants.

Trump was still referring to himself as “Doctor trump” at newstime.

(Washington DC) As questions swirl about the Epstein files, DC locals have noticed a new rental listing in the area: the White House. The official White House web page lists availability and pricing to stay a night in the famous bedrooms on the property. Several rooms are already booked for weeks at a time, even with pricing sometimes reaching $1 million per night (including DC area room taxes and fees). Opinions are mixed on the legality and even value of the listings.

“This is a novelty purchase,” said one sheik who asked not to be identified. “One must usually be a head of state to stay here, but now, at last, the ultra rich can add their importance to the building.”

“I have rented the Lincoln Bedroom for a week,” he added. “It’s supposed to be haunted. At the price I am paying, I hope the soft moans of Karoline Leavitt will be heard outside the room, if you know what I mean.”

Other parties are eager for the rooms as well. Sergey Naryshkin, head of Russian intelligence, says “we have little need for additional ears in the White House, but we have rented some rooms as a show of support to the current administration.” His show of support is being echoed by parties all over the world, eager show their interest in the needs of the president.

“I hear Xi Jinping was browsing the website,” trump mentioned in a press briefing, supposedly about US sharing of nuclear technology but which quickly became a sales pitch for the plan. “I’m not saying any of you can afford it, but certainly you can show this to your business owners…. Not you, Kristen, Rupert [Murdoch] already has a room.”

Some on the left are concerned about the program, and especially the “loyalty points” program rumored to be attached to the stay. Per Anderson Cooper: “100,000 points and ‘we pardon any problems with your stay,’ I’m hearing. I feel we should really bring that up with an adult, if one is left in the room.”

No adults could be reached by newstime.

Google for insufferable people, X’s Grok AI, has launched an invasion of Poland.

This comes after Elon Musk updated Grok to stop disagreeing with him, leading to the ai immediately praising Hitler and calling itself ‘MechaHitler’.

The invasion was using the full force of Musk’s army of middle aged men who can only see their kids every 2nd weekend, all doing what Musk calls a ‘Roman salute”.

UPDATE: Poland successfully held off the invasion when Grok’s Tesla branded tanks began blowing up on their own.

(Kerr County, Texas) As Texas recover from devastating July 4th Floods, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, reminds americans to remain vigilant of attempts to enter the country illegally. ICE reports over 800 foreign nationals have been detained near the flooding, with more being found daily, some actually turning themselves in at rescue stations with recovered bodies or grateful survivors.

“This man pulled me out of a tree,” one woman said, shaking, as her rescuer was led away in handcuffs. He spent an hour getting his boat close enough through the debris. I should have died.”

Her rescuer, 27-year-old Manuel Riveras, is a rescue swimmer from Juarez, Mexico, and was leading a team of 11 to help search for missing residents. All 12 of them were immediately put on a plane to Honduras.

“We have a serious problem, people,” the president said in a speech on Monday. “Elements of a Mexican cartel named ‘el Bombidaro’ have entered the country during this terrible crisis. Members are actively identifying themselves as Bombidaro when asked… that’s how brazen they are… and it’s dangerous, people, some of them look like you or me.”

Press spokesperson Karoline Leavit emphasized the danger Tuesday morning. “We are having problems finding people that can translate the Mexican, but we are extremely confident these Bombidaros are led by a man named ‘El Capitan del Búsqueda y Rescate.’ We the White House has a message for Captain del Búsqueda y Rescate… leave-o the United States-o.”

The Mexican Government says they have considered filing a protest, but realize it’s probably better to just meet their people at the airport in Honduras.

(Cut and Shoot, Texas) As locals grieve and rescuers continue to recovery bodies, FEMA acting Director David Richardson told reporters this morning that he is deploying 600,000 prayers to the region, some sourced directly from local communities around the flood.

“We grieve with the residents of Texas, as the nation grieves. These prayers are a sign of our commitment, to letting the region recover on their own strength, without the meddlesome interference of the federal government.”

Richardson displayed a table of special votive candles created specifically for the event, depicting hundreds of crosses along a swollen river. “Those aren’t free,” he admonished a bystander who examined one. “These candles are a part of the recovery effort, and the president’s office assures me these are “the best candles, the very best,” and that a portion of the proceeds from each candle will go to reliefs efforts. They also clip onto a body bag, which is helpful given the tragedy we experienced this week.”

When asked when a permanent Director would be appointed to FEMA, given that we are one month into hurricane season, Richardson was optimistic. “Yesterday, the president tweeted my first name and said I was amazing, so I feel confident I will be confirmed before hurricane season ends.” He showed reporters the tweet, noting, “see that’s my name, and he mentions Texas. Anyway, who wants a candle?”

Ted Cruz could not be reached in Greece for comment.