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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-07-01 04:04:08+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Additional_Whereas_6
AITA for booking to go away the same weekend as my boyfriend leaving him to look after our daughter
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole r/relationship_advice and OOP's own page
BoRU 1 Posted by u/Sailor_Chibi
TRIGGER WARNING: Neglect, infidelity, emotional abuse
Original Apr 17, 2021
My boyfriend and I have a 3-year old daughter together. He used to go away very occasionally by himself before we had her and this has increased quite a lot since she was born. Not for long periods, just a night or two. He also visits his daughter from a previous relationship - which is fine but I am mentioning as relevent later.
He is notoriously bad for informing me when he is going away. He always claims he told me and I forgot. There have been times where he he has arranged to see his daughter on weekends when plans have already been made (these were all pre covid). Once I had arranged for my mum to babysit for our anniversary and for us to go out. Another time I was meant to be attending a baby shower and needed him to watch our daughter. Another time I had arranged to go to the theatre with a friend. His daughter lives quite far away so he wouldn't have made it back in time to watch our daughter. He was fully aware of all these plans and claim he forgot when arranging to see his daughter. I didn't ask him to cancel as it is not fair on her so I had to make other arrangements in each case.
Obviously he has been going away less because of restrictions. As soon as they eased he has been going away. I have never had a night away for our daughter. I had made a couple of plans but each time a lock down happened so obviously they got cancelled. He says he encourages me to go away and he is not stopping me, I have tried to explain that his going away so much does stop me as someone needs to look after our child. Not comfortable for either of my parents to watch her yet just incase of any risk.
In the summer once restrictions are lifted I have arranged to see my friend for a couple of days. I told him about it and he said I couldn't do it on that date because he was going on a cycle holiday. I told him he hasn't told me anything about this and yet again he claims he did and I forgot. He asked me to cancel it saying I could go to my friends anytime. I could rearrange it but feel I shouldn't have to, he could also rearrange camping. So I have been refusing he is now in a sulk. Am I the asshole for not rearranging my plans?
Edit: I had got a family calendar when's the issues of him double booking seeing is daughter arose. Problem is he will only write in it if I nag him to do so. Or he will say he will do it later and not to treat him like a child.
VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE
RELEVANT COMMENTS
in response to an info request about what the BF is like as a father:
He loves our daughter to pieces. But is very much for the fun stuff. He has started helping a bit more. For the last year also he has been helping with part-time and bedtime. Before that it was just me doing those things. She wakes up regularly in the night it is always me tending to her he says it's not his fault he is heavier sleeper. I have had to wake him before when she has been up from 1 a.m. and not settling back down and I have work in the morning so I can get a couple of hours sleep before work.
Update Aug 20, 2021 (4 months later)
Not sure if anyone really wanted an update but the situation came to a head so I just wanted to vent. Thank you for everyone who commented.
So I had a word with him about the family calender and people's suggestions about if it's not on the calendar it doesn't exist. Making sure my time away was on there. He seemed to go along with it and said he would reschedule his cycle trip - great I thought!
Until it came to the morning of the trip. My bf often gets up super early and I roll over and go back to sleep so thought nothing of it when he was up early. Heard the door go but just presumed he was taking out the bins or something. When I woke up, couldn't find him and the car had gone. Tried to phone him - no answer. Some of his stuff had gone. Asked my neighbor to check his garage for my bfs bike (where he keeps it). It had gone. Confused and quietly seething at this point try his phone a couple more times. Nothing. Phone my friend at this point saying I can find him and will probably miss my train.
About midday I get a phone call. He had gone on his trip. Tells my to check the calendar. He has tipexed out my writing and written in his trip. I say a few choice words to him. He basically says it's my fault as I should have got up earlier. So I told him that he won and he is now free to go on as many cycle trips as he wants now.
Friend suggested taking the kids to the seaside (her son is a similar age). We spent the next day at the beach and had a nice time.
Told bf not to come back. He says I'm over reacting but I am done.
UPDATE
He came back on Sunday. Unfortunately can't change locks due to renting. Came back like nothing had really happened. I calmly asked him to leave as our daughter was about. He said he wasn't going anywhere and he will watch her next week so I could go away. I said I couldn't believe he has completely missed the point of what he had done. Called my brother and asked him to pick us up. We have been staying there until I can sort out the practical parts of the split. Ex has called non stop and turned up at my brother's house where brother turned him away. He has finally apologized. I said I am still done, I just don't have the energy or the will anymore.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
in response to an info request about who owns their residence:
We rent, both names on the lease. I'm hoping he will do the sensible thing and stay with his friend. Unfortunately the reality is I can't kick him out and change locks. He is due back on the Sunday.
little updates in the comments from OOP
I'm back at the flat now with my daughter. Ex is staying with a friend who has a spare room. Ex is helping out with the rent a bit until I can find somewhere more affordable. Last 2-weeks he has had on a Saturday and he has turned up. He is giving me child support at the moment which we are just doing directly between us.
He seems to think he is just giving me space despite the fact that I have told him I am done. My priority for the moment is making sure my daughter is as settled as possible, it has been very difficult for her not having him about as much as she used to.
Still at the flat until the lease is up, Ex is is still at a friend's as far as I know, he has started seeing someone else and visits with our daughter have become a little bit sporadic, but it's only been a month and he only sees her once a week anyway so so I will give it a little bit longer and if it keeps messing around I think I may have to go to court I don't want to stop her seeing her dad but also don't want him constantly letting her down.
NEW UPDATES
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I feel broken. Reconciled with my ex and he blew our holiday fund in a strip club May 8, 2022 (1 year since OG post)
I (33f) broke up with my boyfriend (35m) of 8 years about 9 months ago. We have a 4 year old daughter together.
He was always leaving on bike rides and overiding any plans I might have had. Last straw was him leaving early in the morning to go on a cycle holiday when I had explicitly said I was going away for the weekend and he needed to care for our daughter. So I left him.
We co-parented together well for a while then he started seeing someone and became disinterested in our daughter.
Fast forward to three months ago he started to show interest again in seeing our daughter- he was single again.
I tried to keep it purely about her but I gave in. I let myself be sucked in with his crappy promises. I agreed to start dating him again. I will be honest my heart had broken the last 6 months for my daughter and if I had a chance to make it work I felt I owed it to her.
We said we would go on holiday together so we started putting some money in a jar kept in my flat. This weekend he said he would take it to book a holiday and put the rest in himself (was about £300).
Didn't see him after he left the flat (still living separately so I didn't think anything of it). One of his friends girlfriends text me this morning and told me they had all been on a stag do. Her boyfriend had mentioned and my ex was dropping a lot of money in there. I confronted him and he admitted using the holiday money.
I just don't know what to do. We are done. Forever done. But I just don't know how I will move past this.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
GalaxianWarrior
I can't believe you actually got back with him. You'...
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