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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-11-18 06:11:02+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Ok-Risk-4415. She posted in r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the rec.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is over 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy ending

Original Post: November 8, 2024

Me (21F) and my boyfriend, let's call him Alex(23M) have been dating for about three years now. We've recently began talking about marriage and kids, something we both eventually want to have.

The other day a reel popped up on my fyp of cute boy names and I saw the name Everett. I thought it was a adorable and jokingly told him how it has to be our firstborns name. He laughed and said he liked it but it'll have to wait for the second kid. I was confused and asked him why.

He told me that his family has a tradition that every firstborn boy in the family has the same name. His oldest brother has it, his uncle has it, his grandfather has it and so on. For the sake of privacy and how oddly unique the name is, I'm not going to say it.

I'm not judging in the slightest, but this is a weird name and it's honestly not my favorite. I would never say that to any of his family members, but I did tell Alex I'm not a huge fan of it.

I told him I don't really want to follow those footsteps and he got upset and told me he can't be the one to break the tradition. He told me I was being an asshole for suggesting anything else. I told him I won't change my mind and we should make it a middle name or find another compromise.

Alex has five siblings. The tradition will continue if he doesn't do it. And frankly, I think I should get a say in what I name my kid. I told him since I'm the one carrying the hypothetical child for nine months and it would already be getting Alex's last name, I should have some say in the first name.

For context, I have two siblings, both girls. I'm the youngest and my eldest sisters are both married and took their husbands last names. It makes me a little sad that when I marry Alex, my last name will go out of existence. I've talked to him about hyphenating ours, something he doesn't want to do.

But anyways, I really don't want to name our first born son, if we ever even have a boy, that name. He thinks I'm "whining for no reason" since we don't even have a kid yet and I'm not pregnant, but I think my concerns are valid. I've told some friends about it and most of them think I'm overreacting over something that doesn't even exist yet. So am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend I don't want to follow his families tradition?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Great conversation to have before marriage and kids. You get to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. What other subjects does he believe you have no say in?

OOP: (downvoted) The thing is, we get along great. We've had minor disagreements, but never argued over anything this big until now. For all the people saying break up, he's really a great guy. He thinks my last name is weird, which to be quite honest, it is lol. It doesn't make me any less sad about eventually losing it. This is our first big argument and I think it's why I'm at such a loss.

Commenter: And not even his own name, his big brother's name. Is every kid meant to name their first son that name? All the cousins are Gustavo or whatever?

OOP: All oldest sons are supposed to have it. His dad wasn't the oldest son. So yes, a bunch of his nephews will all hold the same name at some point.

Commenter (in reply to previous commenter listed above): That’s what I wondered, too. I feel like he doesn’t even understand his own tradition. I think it’s just one per generation, not every first born to every sibling.

OOP: That's what I thought too until I met him. It's not a culture thing, I've politely asked. If it was I'd be a lot more understanding. It's just an odd tradition.

Commenter: My question is if all his siblings follow this "tradition" won't there be like 4-5 kids with the same name in the same family within the same age range? That would already have me saying no. Can you imagine going to a family get-together and trying to call for your son and his 4 other cousins also come running because they have the same name? No thank you. NTA

OOP: Yes, there would. And I've pointed that out and he's admitted to me that sometimes it was annoying on family camping trips when he'd yell his cousins name and three others would turn around. Which confuses me because why would he want to continue that?

Answers to various questions:

We've talked about at least two kids close in age later in life. Right now we live pretty close to his family. My family lives on the other side of the country. I've expressed moving closer to my family when I finish nursing school, something he hasn't expressed disinterest in. His family is very religious while I'm not. Alex isn't really either, and he's moved away as it as he's gotten older.

Commenter: It's a tradition in your (and most) family that the kids have a unique name chosen by their parents lol why would his tradition be more important? Why would he unilaterally choose a name?

Also, if you want you can keep your last name

OOP: (downvoted) I know that, but he finds the idea of me eventually taking his romantic and I do too. It's complicated and maybe I do sound like I'm whining for no reason, lol. I like his last name plenty, it's just the idea of mine twinkling out of existence makes me a little sad. And if none of my kids could take it, it wouldn't matter that I kept it. It would still be gone one day.

Commenter: The issue isnt the name; the issue is your bf's attitude toward you having ideas that differ from his: he dismisses your wants, and puts his family's tradition ahead of you. To him, its not even a discussion.

That's actually a little scary.

You give 2 examples of him being inflexible (your last name and a baby name); I'll bet you can think of other incidents that fit this pattern, too.

This is a glimpse into your future. Are you sure you want the rest of your life to look like this?

OOP: We don't argue really at all, but we've had one big argument in our relationship and he's already ignoring me too. He's been sleeping in the guest room and won't talk to me when I try to sit down. An hour before I posted this, he texted me saying he needed space and that was it. I don't want to lose him and I didn't know where else to go so I came here. I just want to thank you all for your comments and support. I didn't know I could get this much advice and I'm beyond grateful for it. It's given me a lot to think about.

Mini Update in Comments: 14 hours later

I have no idea how to make an update, but I feel like I owe it to you all to make one when the time comes so please let me know how lol. As of right now, I just texted him and told him that when he gets home from work we need to have a serious conversation and I have some important things to tell him. Not totally sure what those are yet, but I'm going to find a way to start the convo.

Update Post: November 10, 2024 (2 days from OG post)

So, we talked.

I pulled him aside after he finished work and we sat down and had a long conversation. I told him that I felt hurt that he doesn't seem to be caring about my feelings and I never intended for a joke about tiktok names to turn into all of this.

I took your guys' advice and was really honest with telling him how I was really sad by the fact that I would lose my last name when we did eventually get married. At first he seemed confused and said if it really mattered hat much to me, I could just keep my last name and our kids could have his. I told him it seemed counter-productive to keep my last name because one day I'd still die and so would the name. He asked me what I wanted to do about it and we ended up compromising that our first son would have a shortened version of the traditional name that runs in his family. Not a nickname, but we would literally just shorten the name and that would be his. And along with that when we eventually do get married, we'll hyphenate last names.

I will admit Reddit got me a little in my head and had me thinking we would break up over this, so I was pretty emotional during this conversation lol.

I know this isn't the super exciting update you guys wanted. I also showed him the post and he read some of the comments. This is a direct quote from him, something he wanted me to tell you guys, "Thank you for helping (my name) while I was being a dick."

I don't really think he was being a dick now that I've seen his side, but he's also worried he has people after him now lol. He really is a sweet guy and this wasn't anything to break up over. When we talked he expressed that he was hurt because as much as the tradition seemed silly, it was something he had always been...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-18 05:02:05+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning-Mud9227

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?

Trigger Warnings: homophobia, assault, child abuse

Original Post: November 7, 2024

WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?

So, this is a pretty heavy situation, and I’m really confused and disgusted ngl cause I never thought my wife was like thsi. My wife (44F) and I (45M) have been married for 14 years. We have two kids a 16-year-old son (let’s call him Noah) and a 12-year-old daughter. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements over the years ofc, but things have generally been smooth between us.

Now for the context Noah came out as gay about a year ago. It was a surprise, and as hard as it was to accept, I love my kids more than anything and just want their happiness. My wife visibly didn't take it well tho. She was upset and seemed to go through a grieving period where she didn’t really talk about it. I tried to support Noah in every way I could, telling him that I loved him no matter what etc. My wife, though… I could tell she wasn’t on the same page. She would say things like “this is just a phase” or “he needs help” but I brushed it off as her needing time.

Fast forward to last week, and we were having a conversation about Noah’s future. Out of nowhere, my wife casually mentions that she’s been looking into “conversion therapy camps” and thinks it might be the right solution. She said that Noah isn’t truly gay, that he just “hasn’t been shown the right path” and that this could “fix him.” My blood ran cold obv I was in shock. I immediately told her I didn’t agree and that this was not something I could support (duh)

She got upset and said I was enabling Noah’s “confusion” and that if I really cared about him, I would help him “get better.” wtf is wrong with her. She was persistent, and no matter how much I tried to explain that conversion therapy is harmful (like I know those kids get abused, r*ped, and often end up either traumatized or killing themselves) and that I would never send our son to something like that, she wouldn’t back down.

If I'm being 100% honest I don't even think I love her anymore. The fact she could be so heartless disusts me. I know being gay is not easy and people like her just make it even harder. I'm considering staying, only for our daughter's sake but would it be ok if it means hurting my son? it feels like a betrayal to Noah. I just don’t think I can keep living with someone who thinks this is okay

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP needs to get a divorce soon as possible. His wife is setting their son up for child abuse

OOP: I mean yeah of course I really want to divorce her (we don't even talk anymore lol) but I know how damn close my daughter is to her mother. But I know at the moment I need to focus on Noah and hopefully my daughter will be wise enough to understand.

Commenter 1: NTA. Please DO NOT send your son to conversion therapy because of your wife’s heartlessness.

OOP: You don't have to worry about this, I will NOT do this. i love my son just the way he is. I don't even know how to tell him his mom wants to do that (the kids noticed the tension between us but I haven't said anything yet)

Commenter 2: Staying for your daughter’s sake!!!! WTF?!?? What about your SON?!?!

NTA!!! Divorce her and get full custody immediately!!! Of both kids. Tell the judge you fear crazy pants will turn your daughter against your son and raise her to be a bigot like her.

Also, if you get any of her nonsense in writing (get it in text), save it! Don’t tell her you’re going to use it in court. Conversion camps should be illegal. It’s so disgusting.

OOP You're absolutely right. I'll start looking for a good lawyer and cut her out of our life as soon as possible

Update: November 9, 2024 (two days later)

UPDATE: WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?

So first of all I’d like to thank everyone here for all the help and advice I’ve gotten under my post and in dms, sorry if I couldn’t answer to everyone there was just too many fucking people lol. So I posted something about my wife wanting to send my son to a conversion camp two days ago. First of all some people told me to show her videos and documentaries about what happens there, but this argument has been ongoing for more than a week now, I've showed her things and she won’t budge.

Really bad update if I can be honest, so let’s get into it. All of you told me to try to get him out asap (yall were definitely right) so yesterday I took the day off and went to see an attorney just to get some info about divorce etc. But after what happened I’m 100% sure I want a divorce ASAP.

Yesterday I went to pick Noah at his school and as many of you suggested we had a long discussion. I basically told him his mom and I may be getting a divorce because she wants to send him to a conversion camp but I can’t accept that. I’ve talked with her many times and I told him I’ll probably go through with it. He looked really hurt (my heart broke all over again) but was very understanding and thanked me for standing up for him. I pulled him into a tight hug and told him I’ll always love him no matter what and that nothings his fault.

At that moment he started crying because he was so glad at least I was on his side. And I’m very pissed so sorry if I don’t make sense but apparently his mom had been pressuring him for months. She planned dates with girls to try and “fix” him and he had to lie by saying he was going at a friend’s instead. She was saying he needs help and as much as she loves him he needs to get his “condition” cured (???????) etc. I feel so bad because I’ve been so oblivious to all that and I’ve failed to protect him for all that time. How do you make your 16yo son go through that??

So when we got home yesterday I can’t lie I was furious and confronted her right there and then. At first she was trying to explain she was doing it for him but her speech quickly turned to slurs and it was clear she was just ashamed of having a gay son. In the end I told her I went to see an attorney and that learning all that just confirmed that I want a divorce. She got really angry, calling me a delusional disgrace we argued a lot and at some point Noah tried to separate us but my wife punched him multiple times???? She was saying disgusting things like he is a dirty fagg*t and that it’s all his fault we’re getting divorced because his filth corrupted me.

My daughter who was prob in her room came to see what all that commotion was about and was rightfully horrified and quickly called 911 when I told her to. Long story short the cops got there and took her away (she was very reluctant to go because she was ‘not in the wrong’ and they needed to let her go). I explained everything to my daughter and she doesn’t want anything to do with her mom anymore.

Rn I’m in the hospital because my stb ex wife broke my rib while I was restraining her, I should’ve probably went as soon as the cops took her but idc my son was crying, with a black eye and split lip (they are checking for any concussion) and obviously the only thing I cared about was to comfort him because I can’t even imagine what it can feel like being beaten by your mom for being gay. I’m planning to file for full custody ofc and my kids don’t want to see her ever again anyway. Given all the charges she’s facing I hope she won’t stand a chance against me. I just sent a mail to my attorney and I hope the procedures will be fast. I’ve also thought of getting CPS involved but I’m not sure they will rly help

Like I cannot understand how you can grown so resentful of your own kid because of something they can't control. Even I had pretty strong opinions about it, but as a father it is my role to unconditionnally love my kids and so I learnt about the topic and changed my way of seeing the world for him. It took some time grasping it but I never doubted one sec the love I have for my child. I thought it was the same for my wife. Visibly not

Relevant Comments

OOP on his daughter’s strength to call for help and get her some therapy if needed

OOP: Thank you very much. I'm so proud of her for doing this, only at 12!

She's pretty shaken and confused, but she seems to understand the gravity of her mom's actions. I'm so sad she had to be dragged into this mess as well.

OOP on kicking his wife out of the house or moving out somewhere with his kids

OOP: We've got a house that is under both our names, and e didn't have a prenup. People have been teeling me to change the locks and throw her stuff out but I just don't know if I can do that. If I can't I'll either go back to my parents with the kids or rent an apartment in the meantime.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-18 05:02:01+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WallowsEcho

My (26M) girlfriend (26F) gave me an ultimatum regarding a group trip

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior

Original Post  Nov 8, 2024

I (26M) really need an outside perspective on a situation with my girlfriend (26F).

For starters, my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Throughout our relationship, things have been mostly good. Our schedules conflict a bit, and we’ve had our issues, but we make it work.

A big issue between us right now is over a good friend (28F) of mine. For clarity, I’ll refer to this friend as Violet.

For some context, me and Violet are part of a small friend group. There’s two other people in the group. We met while attending a film festival around two years ago now. We were all waiting in line to enter the theater. The line was long, and we all kind of naturally struck conversation and hit it off. We kept in contact afterwards.

Everyone in the group is mostly long distance. So we can’t hang out in person altogether too much, but we talk daily and have weekly group gaming sessions and anime/movie watchalongs. Violet lives the closest near me pretty much in the next town over, so we see each other in person the most outside of the group’s virtual meet-ups.

I do want to mention that I invited my girlfriend to each virtual and in-person meetups, and she turned me down every time. I try including her, but she doesn’t want anything to do with it in large part because she doesn’t particularly care for our interests. Stuff like anime, manga, or gaming is childish to her. The movies we watch are mostly older era films and films that were restored, but she’s not into those either.

This disconnect between us was an issue before I even made this group of friends. It’s not like she’ll engage in these things to spend time together. Like I grew up on game nights. I’m not even talking about video games necessarily. I’m talking board games, card games, etc…, but she doesn’t care for that.

She either shuts it down and goes off to do her own thing, or if she does actually watch something with me or play a game, then she makes it known that it’s a chore for her, and she belittles whatever it is increasingly throughout. She calls it joking, but it feels more like belittling. It gets to a point where I don’t even enjoy whatever we’re watching or playing.

I’m not particularly a huge fan of reality TV, but I still watch with her and try genuinely engaging because, for me, it’s not about the show so much as it’s about spending some quality time together.

So my friendship with the group has been a nice change of pace and has brought some balance, but it’s become an ongoing issue in my relationship. Recently, the group has been putting together a trip to this upcoming anime con. The event lasts for a weekend, so the plan was to stay together at an AirBNB and split the cost.

My girlfriend is outright against the trip because of Violet. She doesn’t like my friendship with her and doesn't really seem to like Violet at all. She has a general annoyance whenever Violet’s involved and gets upset whenever I talk or hang out with her. We could be having a disagreement about something entirely unrelated, and somehow it’ll circle around to Violet. She also calls Violet a “pick-me girl.”

When the trip was first being put together, I invited my girlfriend. She had no interest in coming and later expressed an issue with me going. She doesn’t like that I’d be staying in the same house as Violet during the trip. I offered a compromise of me just booking a hotel and meeting up with everyone, but that wasn’t an acceptable option for her either.

Nothing I propose she’s willing to hear me out on. It’s all on deaf ears because she knows Violet’s going. The trip has become a major point of contention between us. She now says that it’s proof that I have feelings for Violet because I keep defending her during arguments and because I won’t let the trip go.

I haven’t let the trip go because I would really like to attend the con, and it’s rare that everyone in the group’s schedules link up like this. My girlfriend views it as me taking a getaway with Violet.

She’s firm on her position on the trip and has given me an ultimatum. She said I could do whatever I wanted but know that if I went on the trip, then I'd be choosing Violet over her and that she'd act accordingly.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not saying her feelings are invalid. Her feelings are her feelings, but I feel that she’s being unreasonable and that her insecurity about my friendship with Violet is baseless.

I feel pulled in two different directions and now this ultimatum. All I do is compromise in our relationship, and it just feels one-sided. I don’t understand why this one thing would be a dealbreaker. How do I go about addressing this with her now?

TL;DR My girlfriend has given me an ultimatum regarding a friend group trip and I don’t know what to do. How do I go about addressing this with her now?

TOP COMMENT

catharticargument

So your girlfriend dislikes your friend group, your friend violet, and thinks your interests are childish. My advice would be to date someone who actually seems to like you.

Update  Nov 11, 2024

I (26M) wanted to give an update on the situation with my girlfriend (26F) and her ultimatum.

First off, thank you to everyone who commented and reached out. I really appreciated the feedback. It gave me a lot to consider.

I didn’t get a chance to reply to comments, so I’ll address those questions in this update as well.

A lot of people asked how my GF and I even got together. We knew of each other back in high school, but we didn’t move in the same circles. We actually ended up going to the same college and bumped into each other at a party.

So I think that’s where our initial connection began. We were in this big college pond, and having a familiar face from back home made adjusting easier. We didn’t start dating until later, though.

Things felt more like a mutual respect back then. It was after we got together that it was almost like this overnight, complete intolerance.

I was also asked why she considered my friend Violet (28F) a pick-me girl. I honestly don’t know. The definition as I know it doesn’t fit Violet, imo. When I ask my GF, she only says that a woman knows another woman. She won’t elaborate. She never pinpoints specifics.

My GF was known to have a bit of a mean girl side back in high school, tbh. We discussed this before we started dating, and she seemed to work through that in college. But now it feels like that side very much shows whenever it comes to my interests or with anything involving Violet.

In regard to the ultimatum, I went back and forth on what I should do and what I wanted for me individually and for my relationship. I decided to still go on the group trip.

I do believe compromise is part of a relationship, but this ultimatum isn’t that. It’s an attempt to bulldoze in order to have control instead of working together.

I had to ask myself if I did go along with this ultimatum, then what will it lead to? What stops other ultimatums against my interests or whenever she sees fit?

I still wanted to give another shot at working things out, so I had that talk with my GF and let her know of my intentions of going on the trip.

I told her that I understood her feelings and that she does matter to me, but I felt that this ultimatum wasn’t healthy going forward for anyone involved. I again invited her to come on the trip, with her either staying with us at the AirBNB or her and I staying at a hotel, and I thought the trip could be good for us. That was a no-go.

There wasn’t any compromise she was willing to accept. She was still firm on the ultimatum and said she made her position clear, and if I was still going on the trip, then there was nothing more to discuss.

She kept repeating on and off that she hopes choosing Violet was worth it. I told her it had nothing to do with Violet and that she was the one making an entire group trip about Violet. The discourse wasn’t anything productive.

I asked her if she would please reconsider the situation. She said there was nothing to reconsider and that the choice is in my hands. I asked if we could talk again after the con to see how we were feeling, and her exact words were, the only conversation I’ll be having is with the walls because she won’t be in our place anymore when I get back.

Ever since then, she’s barely said a word to me, and my texts are left on read. So, I guess I’m unofficially being given the silent treatment.

I don’t understand why it has to be this way. We should be able to communicate. I don’t feel equally supported, seen, or appreciated in this relationship anymore.

It’s a mess, but a lot of the feedback I received on here and the recent argument has been a wake-up call, and there has to be some kind of change.

I do think the trip would be a nice refresher, and it’s my intent to still go. I don’t believe I’ll be any better off not going, tbh.

Thank you to everyone again.

TL;DR Update on my girlfriend giving me an ultimatum regarding a friend group trip.

**RELEVANT COMME...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-11-18 05:01:05+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Impressive-Series117

Originally posted to r/AITAH

How can someone who isn’t invited to a wedding be considered responsible for giving a gift?

Trigger Warnings: entitlement

Original Post: November 11, 2024

I would appreciate any advice or suggestions on how to approach this situation. I’ll change the names of those involved.

I have a group of friends, though not all of them are truly close to me. Most of them are more friends by association, but we all go out together and have a good time. I do consider Mady and Jessy to be real friends. For Mady’s birthday, I got her a cake. Jessy had a small civil wedding, and Mady offered to bring wine for the celebration at her place, while I offered to bring a cake.

There’s a girl in the group named Carly, and my relationship with her is neither friendly nor unfriendly. She’s always shown some apathy towards me, and I know she doesn’t really like me. I don’t dislike her, but I get the sense we wouldn’t be friends since we have different perspectives.

During the celebration, Carly commented that she liked the cake, and Jessy mentioned that I had brought it. Carly said it was good but that it tasted “a bit dry.” Everyone exchanged looks and changed the subject, but Carly kept talking about the cake. I didn’t say anything about it.

Carly had been planning her wedding before Jessy got married. She used to invite Mady, Jessy, and other girls to discuss prices and ask for opinions on things, but she never asked me for my help or advice. I had assumed I wasn’t going to be invited. Everyone else got an invitation, and I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t receive one. Jessy wanted to talk to Carly about it, but I asked her not to, as I didn’t want a pity invitation and understood that Carly wouldn’t invite me because we’re not “friends.” Jessy told me she wouldn’t attend if it would make me feel bad, but I told her not to worry about it.

Then, Carly messaged me on WhatsApp to ask about cake designs and filling options. I thought she already had that figured out since her wedding was coming up and she’d been planning it for a while. I sent her the catalog, and she commented on a few options she liked. She asked if I did the setup, to which I replied yes, and sent her some example photos. She only reacted to the photos with a thumbs-up, and we didn’t talk any further. She didn’t ask for a quote or schedule a consultation, so I assumed she wasn’t interested in my service. This was over a month ago.

Today, we went out to eat, and everyone was talking about the wedding. Her fiancé asked who I’d be bringing (I’m single), so I told him I wouldn’t be attending. He asked why, and to keep the mood light and avoid drama, I mentioned I’d be traveling to visit my parents. He understood, but Carly asked me when I was leaving. I told her I’d be leaving on Wednesday, and she said, “The wedding’s on Saturday; how are you going to set up the cake and desserts?” I asked which cake she was referring to, and she replied, “The one you’re bringing to my wedding.” I told her we didn’t have anything scheduled, and she insisted she had our messages. I clarified that I had only given her options and setup photos, and since she didn’t follow up, I assumed she wasn’t interested.

Her fiancé asked if anything could be done about it. I explained that the bakery requires a contract and a deposit.

Mady asked if Carly had paid a deposit or requested a contract.

Carly replied, asking why she would need to, since it was my wedding gift to her and that I should make sure she had her cake for Saturday.

I explained that I don’t handle the bakery’s schedule and that, with the wedding so close, they wouldn’t accept a new order. Carly seemed upset and looked very uncomfortable. I asked for my bill, paid, and said goodbye, saying I needed to go.

I really don’t want to lose my friendship with the group since I’m not from this city and I’ve felt comfortable with them. I don’t want this to create tension, but I also don’t know how to handle conflicts. I know it’s a bit sad that I can’t stand up for myself and would rather avoid confrontation.

Mady told me that after I left, Carly said it wasn’t fair for me to back out after agreeing, and some people in the group hinted that maybe I didn’t want to go to the wedding because I didn’t want to give her the cake. Jessy said I wasn’t invited, and Carly replied that she had invited me.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It's not okay for her to expect a gift, especially a big cake, from someone she didn't even invite to her wedding. You were right to tell her you hadn't agreed to make the cake. It makes sense that you wouldn't want to give something so big to someone who doesn't seem to like you very much.

OOP: And especially for me to give her that gift when we don’t even have a relationship.

Commenter 2: It sounds like Carly is trying to control the narrative do it might be best to explain things to your group—including copies of your correspondence. Otherwise you might lose a few friends who are listening to Carly. Maybe even let her fiancé know.

OOP: Yes, they are really more friends. I’ve been dealing with them for 2 years, and they are high school friends.

Update: November 11, 2024 (same day, 16 hours later)

I read a comment that this is how updates are done here. I hope those who gave me advice and asked for an update can see this.

To those who asked why I didn’t stand up for myself and let things get so out of hand, as I mentioned before, I don’t like confronting people. I get nervous, feel like I can’t breathe; when I had presentations in school, I used to throw up before and after each one. Sometimes, I’ve even kept items I didn’t order or didn’t want just because I was too embarrassed to exchange them. I’ve been in therapy, and thanks to that, I’m now able to work as a cashier in a bakery; I don’t think I could have done that before. I’ve come a long way, but I still get nervous speaking in public. I have a younger sister, and she used to go everywhere with me. I’d give her the money, and she would pay because just talking to the cashier would leave me breathless. I know people often feel sorry for those who seem weak, and I don’t want to be seen that way or treated condescendingly.

Someone sent me a private message asking our ages:

• I’m 21

• Mady is 30

• Carly is 30

• Anna is 31

• Carly’s fiancé is 31

• Jessy is 30

I hope that helps clarify a bit more. Now, here’s what happened next:

Someone suggested what I could say to Carly, and I sent it to her. She replied saying she thought I wouldn’t mind and that I owed her a gift anyway, and she’d chosen the cake as her gift.

I replied that only guests are responsible for giving gifts. She asked what I meant, and I clarified that she hadn’t invited me to the wedding. She left me on read.

I messaged her fiancé something like: “I don’t want to cause drama or any misunderstandings, but I didn’t commit to giving her the wedding cake.” I sent him screenshots of our conversation, and he called me right away.

He apologized and said he thought it was odd when Carly told him I had offered to give her the cake. I mentioned it seemed even stranger to me since I wasn’t even invited. He asked if I was serious, and I told him yes, but that I wasn’t upset and understood if it was something private. He apologized again, and we ended the call.

Around noon, Carly messaged me saying I was making a fuss over nothing, as if I couldn’t just “give her the damn cake.” She didn’t understand why I was being so sensitive, saying I’d given Mady a cake and Jessy one as well, and asked me to explain why I couldn’t do the same for her.

I replied that Mady’s cake was a birthday cake and, although Jessy’s was for her wedding, it wasn’t a wedding cake.

Carly answered that it didn’t matter what the cake was for. I told her if that was the case, she could buy one from the supermarket. She started typing, but I blocked her before the message came through.

Then, Carly sent a message to the group with only the part where I told her to buy it at the supermarket, saying it was insulting and showed how little I valued her wedding, so no one could say she was the bad one.

I responded to the group with a suggestion someone gave me in a comment, which I adapted a bit: “Hey everyone. I want to clear up some confusion and rumors. I won’t be attending the wedding because I didn’t receive an invitation. I understood and made other plans for that time since the rest of you were invited. I’m not hurt or upset; it is what it is. The confusion about the cake is as baffling to me as it is to you. I only provided information on models and fillings from the place where I work, and that’s all. I don’t understand why it’s expected that I cover a cake for a wedding I’m not invited to. It’s true I suggested the supermarket, as she said the purpose of the cake didn’t matter.

I hope this clears everything up. I wish you all a wonderful time celebrating Carly and her fiancé. Congratulations in advance to the happy couple, and I hope those not involved don’t feel caught in the m...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/obvythrow

How do I (28/F) get my bf (29/M) to understand that I don't want to be her (26?/F) friend?

TRIGGER WARNING: hostile work dynamics

Original Post  Sept 10, 2017

My boyfriend, Lee, and I have been together for two years. We've been living together for one. Before we moved in together he was living with a friend from work, Kim. In the very beginning of our relationship (1-2 months in) I was approached by a lot of his coworkers telling me that Lee and Kim used to hook up a lot. That, of course, made me feel uncomfortable. And instead of being an adult and talking about it with him I got drunk one night and had a breakdown. Not my finest moment and I've apologized to both him and Kim about my behavior. Lee assured me nothing ever happened between them and that it was just workplace gossip. I completely believe him and, even if he did sleep with her, it's in the past and he's completely committed to me. After we moved in together his contact with Kim dwindled to just the workplace and occasional get together with mutual friends.

Unfortunately, Kim was not so forgiving about my little immature moment. I didn't have the breakdown in public or around Kim but Lee did tell her about it for some reason. I wasn't too happy about that but I made it a point to try and take Kim out to lunch and drinks and apologize. I thought all was well but apparently it's not. Over the last two years Kim has been nothing but awful to me. If we're all out to dinner she ignores me, rolls her eyes if I start speaking, will cut in front of me as I'm speaking to people like I'm not even there. Whatever. I get it. I tried to be nice but I'm not her biggest fan either.

What has really set me off is the fact that Kim is above Lee in management and is in charge of expansion. She has approached Lee multiple times about going to open a new branch of the company in a city that is a three hour FLIGHT from where we live. Now, opening a new branch for this company requires the person to live in that new city for at least two years. And she has put Lee's name in the running even though he has told her straight up he does not want to go. I'm fucking livid and, surprisingly, he is, too. But he doesn't see it as a slight towards me, just that she'd like someone experienced to open the new branch. (And he's the most experienced in the company to do it, so it could be that.) But...I don't know, I feel there's another motive as well.

After all of this Lee still wants me to try and be friends with her. I have told him that a friendship between us just isn't in the mix. I've tried everything to get her to like me, thrown her surprise birthday parties, moved her into a new apartment while she went back to her home state for an emergency, I even bought her a tour at her favorite distillery all to no avail. I'm done trying. I've told him that I, in no way, want him to stop his friendship with her but I would rather he not talk about our relationship with her and that I'd rather not be in a room with her/have dinner with her unless there isn't a sizable crowd where I can pretend she's not there. I can deal with her at birthday/holiday events but besides that, I really don't want to be around her.

He's obviously hurt that we can't seem to get along and he keeps trying to push me to be her friend. Apparently he still thinks that she needs "more time" to get to know me and see how sorry I was about a mistake I made two years ago that I've tried so hard to correct.

So, my question is: How do I get Lee to understand that Kim and I will never be friends and that I really just don't want to be around her if I can manage it?

tl;dr: Boyfriend's old roommate/friend and I don't get along for a lot of reasons but he's still pushing us to be friends. How do I get it through his head that we will never be friends?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ScooterMcGooder

How bad was the blow out? Were you yelling? Throwing things? Hitting? That may have a lot to do with why she is being so cold to you.

OOP

Not bad. I got mad and screamed at him but she wasn't home. I didn't throw anything or hit anyone. Just a lot of drunken crying and yelling.

Update - wayback machine  Seot 22, 2017 (12 days later)

So it wasn't really popular and I didn't really respond in the thread but I did read all the responses. I appreciate the time people took to reply and give their advice, as well as the people who DM'd me and really help me figure out the situation.

So, to start off, I talked to Lee to really get down to whether or not he did sleep with Kim. He swore, again, that it never happened and he would have no reason to hide it if it did. I asked him if maybe Kim had a thing for him that he didn't know about and he thought about it and figured it could be true.

I told him again why I didn't want to be her friend and how I didn't like the way she treated me. He wasn't aware of how bad it was so I asked him to make a conscious effort to try and be more aware when we're hanging out together. (He's very aloof about a lot of things, makes me glad I made the first move in the relationship.)

So a week goes by and a couple of his buddies from work want to go out to dinner. We agree and when we show up Kim is there. She hugs Lee but then ignores me. I thought Lee missed it until he looked at me and gave me a raised eyebrow.

Dinner goes on and Kim is doing her usual thing of ignoring me, rolling her eyes when I talk or just rudely interrupting me. When she went to the bathroom Lee turned to me and said "I definitely see it and I'm so sorry." So that was really nice to hear.

As dinner was winding down one of Lee's coworkers gets up to make a toast. He goes on and on about Lee being such a hardworker and how they're going to miss him when he moves to the new branch. I was shocked so I just said "what?!" without realizing I said it aloud. Lee was just as shocked and told them that he hadn't taken the job and he didn't want the job. That's when Kim said that he was one of the top 3 picked to go down.

Lee. Was. Pissed. He got up to go get another drink and I went with him. When he found out that Kim put his name in the running he went to the higher ups and told them it was a mistake and that he was not interested. Which means Kim must have found out and talked the bosses into putting his name back in the running. We ended up leaving early and going home. I told him I'd support him if he wanted to go but he is very much against going. He now sees why I didn't want to be friends with her and why my assumptions about her were completely true.

He went back to work on Monday and asked to be moved to a new department that's not under Kim, he went to HR about Kim overstepping her boundaries and he's even thinking about finding a new job where he doesn't have to interact with her.

I'm so glad he finally saw what I saw and he's completely done with Kim. I'm excited to see how losing her will help improve our relationship in the future and he promises to be more aware of how his friends treat me and to respect my wishes/not force a friendship on me if I don't want it.

tl;dr: Had a serious sit down talk with Lee, he promised to be more aware/alert when Kim was around, went to dinner with coworkers and Kim, he saw how rude she was and he saw how she's manipulative on a different level. Lee is cutting Kim out and trying to find a new position/job so he doesn't have to see her again

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LostSadConfused11

Now that your husband has taken back all control from her, you need to take steps and protect yourself in case she lashes out. Make sure you lock down your social media and block her everywhere so she can't see what you're up to. Check locks on your doors and consider installing security cameras in case she goes full psycho, since she knows where you live. If she is his manager, she has access to a lot of your husband's personal info, including DOB and possibly SSN. Keep tabs on all your accounts and make sure she doesn't misuse that info to put him at risk of identity theft. It's good that your husband talked to HR so hopefully she can't do much damage at work. He still needs to be vigilant though, and avoid being 1-on-1 with her in case she tries to accuse him of something.

I know I sound paranoid, but with her level of crazy, it's better to be safe than sorry.

OOP

Definitely didn't think about any possibility that she could go postal but, you're right, we should be aware and be ready for anything just in case. I might ask that we get security cameras that we can take with us because we plan on moving to a new place in a couple of months. I'll definitely let him know to keep an eye on his personal stuff and keep checking in with HR if he notices any difference in her behavior at work.

~

Pannanana

Wait, they're ex ROOMMATES .. and she's his boss?

Were they roommates first, or coworkers first?

OOP

They started at ...

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/KnockedUp27

I'm [27F] having troubles answering people's questions about my pregnancy, caused some drama with friends (all 20s)

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, accusations of infidelity, bullying, rape, victim blaming

Original Post: September 14, 2016

I'm [27F] having troubles answering people's questions about my pregnancy, caused some drama with friends (all 20s)

I'm 7 months pregnant with a child I plan on giving to a wonderful couple, closed adoption. I made this choice because the child was the product of non-consensual sex. I didn't press charges because I was a bit of a party-girl and didn't think I would be believed. I honestly have no idea who the guy was, I just remember trying to push him off and being to drunk to do so.

MY choice to not press charges. MY choice to keep the pregnancy. MY choice to adopt out. I am comfortable with these choices. They are private and personal and I am keeping most of this to myself.

My asshole friends and co-workers have turned it into a game. I was hiding the pregnancy until I started really showing a couple weeks ago. I get that people are curious about it. It's rather surprising. But I saw a betting pool being passed around the office...THEY ARE PLACING BETS ON WHO IS THE FATHER! I was shocked and a little hurt.

My friends are also curious. I have one close friend who basically knows everything (she's going to be in the room for the birth for me) and she's not telling anyone. So, rumors are starting. One terrible rumor is that it's my (now former) friend Karen's husband Troy's baby. Karen called me in tears. I went over to her house to tell her to her face it wasn't it possible. She demanded to know the truth. I told her it was none of her business and she blasted me on fb.

Some friends have been really nice to my face but everything gets back to me eventually. Some people are saying that I'm a paid surrogate. I guess that one is ok. I hate that people are talking about me like this. I made ONE blanket statement on fb yesterday: "I guess I can't hide it anymore. Yes, I am pregnant. I am giving a lovely couple the child they have tried to have for years. It's very personal and private and I ask that you all respect that." It's got a bunch of comments but I haven't read them. I'm going to take a big break from social media.

I don't know what else to do or say. I am uncomfortable with everyone's constant questions. I LOVE my job and usually my co-workers. It's my hope that I can suck it up and go back to normal in a few months. Weirdly, I've got great inner-peace with everything because I am so happy to be giving the adopting parents (who are the kindest men I have ever met: a kindergarten teacher and a social worker) something they could never have on their own.

Here's what I need from the readers of this sub: What can I say that isn't a lie but will shut people up without giving out information I'm not comfortable sharing? I don't like calling her (the baby is female) an 'accident'. The two people who know the whole truth (my friend and my doctor) immediately asked me why I didn't report it. I'm ashamed and humiliated. I really don't want to say much of anything. I think a big part of why this is so hard for me and those around me is that I'm usually really talkative and social. Loud-mouthed. I'm in sales so now that I'm showing I'm also dealing with these questions from strangers too. Should I go to my manager about the pool? Laugh it off? Wait for it all to blow over?

tl;dr: I need to figure out what to tell people about my unplanned pregnancy in a polite but firm way that will make them stop speculating

UPDATE #1 (OOP updated in the same post on same day, four hours later)

Thank you so much for all the support. I'm glad I posted this.

I had a good cry, took an antacid (or 4) and went to the owner, Jim. I told him the truth and I told him that I really didn't want the guys to know and I needed the jokes and talk to stop because it was hurting me. He hugged me and told me he was proud of me (which made me cry again. Fucking hormones). He gathered the staff and had a quick (what he calls come to Jesus) meeting. He announced that he would fire anyone who made me uncomfortable about my pregnancy on the spot and that all the money from the pool needed to end up on my desk, pronto. He was great. He didn't share any of my personal info, he just protected me and made it quick and easy. After we disbursed, he told me I could have an additional week paid medical (I already have 2 weeks sick/vacation I haven't used).

I am going to text/talk to my friend and tell her she can subtly let people know what happened (especially Karen).

This baby bump is sales gold, I just landed a BIG commission while sitting!

I still think, as great as Jim is, I need to get out of this town. I'll always be a trailer park slut to people around here. My mama died when I was real young and I acted out a lot after that. Everyone knows what I did and won't let me forget. Despite working my ass off to graduate, working my way up to sales lead, buying my home and fixing it up myself. I'm sick of Oklahoma. I'm thinking maybe somewhere in Oregon or Washington. Real pretty up there.

Again, thank you for all the kind and helpful advice. I feel so much better. This has always been one of my favorite subs to lurk. Thanks.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your friends and colleagues are assholes. Tell people simply that you are not sharing details. Keep it simple. Sounds like you do have one decent caring friend. After this was over I would consider launching a fresh start. Given the circumstances of the pregnancy and how everybody is reacting at least get some counselling to deal with this and maybe plot out some goals and desires fo the kind of life you really want. Sorry you have had such a bad experience.

OOP: I am thinking about a new start, actually. I love my field (building material sales) and can do it anywhere. I don't have any family. My house would sell for double what I owe. I've been researching towns that I've always liked.

My doctor gave me a referral for a therapist, but I wasn't interested. Maybe I should give it a go. Thanks.

OOP on why she chose not to reveal anything to her friends about her unplanned pregnancy

OOP: I really don't want people knowing what happened to me. Like I said in my post, the first reaction was why didn't you report it? I hate that I didn't. I hate that some dude is out there, thinking he can do that. I hate that I used to drink so much. I hate that because I used to drink a lot and hook up a lot that people think so little of me.

I just don't want everyone to know. I don't want this little girl to ever find that out.

Did OOP report the situation to HR?

OOP: We're a smallish outfit. We don't have an HR. We have an owner-manager (who I really respect and is kind of like a second father to me). We're 7 guys and me. I've always been 'one of the guys' about this kind of stuff.

I should go to the owner and tell him what's up. I've been avoiding him. I've been avoiding everyone. I don't want to be pitied, but this shit it worse. I'm all over the place sorry. I'm shut in my office with the worst heartburn I have ever felt trying not to cry.

OOP should consider about leaving her job

OOP: I still have to work with these guys for another couple months, 40-50 hours a week. Maybe longer, I'm still deciding. They just got their pee-pees smacked by work-daddy for being insensitive in a place where we regularly tease each other for everything. They did something stupid, but I still want to get along with them.

Update #2 (rareddit): March 17, 2017

First, I'd like to thank the kind, understanding folk in this sub for your help when I posted this a few months ago:

I had a few PMs asking for updates and how everything went. It's been a wild ride. I posting this from a freezing (but spectacular) beachside hotel on the coast of Oregon. I had a job interview this morning that I feel really great about and two more lined up. My house sold fast and I have some money to live on and start fresh.

And do I ever need a fresh start.

A few days after I made that post, rumors started up again. I was pregnant with my boss's baby (some of you called that). And then it was a co-worker's. And then my friend's husband again. To save face, I asked my friend to tell the right blabber-mouths the truth. That back-fired. Hard.

Someone (or some people, I don't know) started posting on CRAIGSLIST about me and the baby. There's this section called Rants and Raves but I guess people just post garbage there. I looked at some of the posts and someone really has it out for me. They said I was crying rape because I was too slutty to know who the father was. They called me the worst names. I flagged what I could, but new posts kept popping up. I tried to ignore it.

I had a good friend write me this long-ass text about h...

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