Today I Fucked Up

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Striking_Tear_7079 on 2024-09-11 22:27:08+00:00.

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Throwaway. This happened earlier today and I’m still feeling under the weather.

I recently found out that I have a gluten sensitivity. I went to the doctor because I was consistently having very bad stomach aches, diarrhea and bloating, and I’d get sudden stomachaches and need to use the bathroom really badly, and it turned out that gluten was the issue. I had a bit of trouble moving to a gluten free diet, but about a week ago I resolved to do it for good. My uni accommodation is also a twenty minute walk from town.

This morning, there was a welcome breakfast for my course at my uni, and by the time I got there I was starving. As it turned out, the only food options available were small pastries that contained gluten, so I just said f it I’ll have one. One became two, two became three, etc. I felt a little unwell following this but oh well, no biggie. Mistake number one.

A few hours later I went to town to buy some groceries, when I felt that unmistakable stomach ache. I hadn’t finished doing my shopping, but I cut it short and ran to the till to pay and leave. I figured I could use a public bathroom nearby but I decided against it as I thought I could make it back and avoid the discomfort of public bathrooms, which was mistake number two.

I tried to get back as quickly as possible, I was running back at some points, but to no avail. Luckily I managed to make it to my bathroom, but unfortunately not the toilet. So close yet so far. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ll just say that the mess was so bad that I threw my clothes away and it took me over an hour to fully clean (thank god I was wearing cheap clothes that I didn’t like that much anyway). At the very least it wasn’t in public.

I learnt my lesson the hard way now. I will never eat gluten again and this experience is a good deterrent from doing so.

TL;DR: I ate pastries containing gluten despite being intolerant to it and regret it later

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ilike7hournaps on 2024-09-11 18:37:05+00:00.

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TIFU by using the shampoo of hell. I was asked by my sister to watch her and her husband’s house and cat while they are out of town for two weeks, and I was like “hell yeah, I get away from people for two weeks?!” (I have roommates) so, I pack my bags and head over. I get over there, settle in, and decide to have a shower before I go to bed. I dig in my suitcase, get my hairbrush, tooth brush, toothpaste… and where is my shampoo? Fuck. So I decide to check if my sister or brother in law left any shampoo in the shower, and they did! So I fire up the shower and hop in. I grab the shampoo bottle, get a good dollop, and lather it in. Fucking hell was that a mistake. Immediately I was overwhelmed with the scent of some infernal chemical concoction from the depths of Satan’s domain. It smelled like I had doused myself in gasoline and then rolled in a construction zone. I scrubbed and scrubbed my scalp trying to rid myself of the stench of the devil’s asshole, and IT WOULD NOT LEAVE. I grab the bottle thinking I must have grabbed some sort of cleaning agent by mistake. It was coal tar shampoo, for dandruff prone scalps. I am now left smelling like the late 1800’s, early 1900’s factory worker, and will remain as such until I can go retrieve my shampoo. TL;DR: I accidentally used Dandruff control shampoo that smells like an industrial zone, and the smell is lingering.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/OutsideEducational35 on 2024-09-11 17:46:38+00:00.

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TIFU and got screwed by the great British Railway.

I'll start my story by saying, I don't travel by train often, perhaps 2/3 times a year.

However on this occasion the missus was out visiting a friend, and had taken the car. Queue her finding herself in hospital and me, in my blind panic, deciding to once again put my faith in our great railways.

The journey was simple according to Google maps, I'd spend 20 minutes travelling into London followed by a nice hour and a half direct line to Manchester. All in all, £60.

Here is the first of many fuck ups. Despite this being the only reasonable route to take, the ticket machine, in it's great wisdom, does not by default sell you a ticket that allows moving through London. It does not warn you that you won't be able to travel through London. It does not prompt you, whether you will be travelling through London. It doesn't even, dare I say, ask your route.

A to B, I was nieve to believe that I should simply place my destination in the destination input box.

And so I find myself at London Euston, being told my ticket is not valid through London. After of course, being allowed through the barriers on a train who's only destination was in fact, London.

So I need to go to the ticket counter, and exchange my ticket, says the ever helpful dreary eyed minimum wage worker.

'Dont worry, you've got plenty of time'

And so off I plod l, spending £80(!) to purchase a ticket, not to my destination, but to the first stop outside of London, at which point my original ticket would be valid.

Ah! I believed, the ticket counter man has done me a solid I thinks, we've cracked the system and I've saved the almost £200 he wanted to charge me for the entire journey again.

So off I jog, plenty of time left, back down to the gate with my new ticket. But how bizarre, the platform is closed. 'Excuse me sir!' I say to the man who'd sent me away last time, 'I have the ticket!'.

'The Platform is closed sir.'

'But I can see the train, mere meters away, with the doors open and people boarding'.

'The platform is closed sir.'.

For those not aware, such as I, the platform closes about a million years before the train actually departs.

Ok. Back I trod, to try again. Next train to my destination is in 30 minutes, I'll buy the first ticket outside of London from here, and then my original ticket will be valid and all will be well.

£23.59. Nice.

And off I stroll, to my next gate. This time taking NO RISKS! I shall stand here and watch the television until my platform appears and SPRINT there. I shall be the first person aboard.

Ticket Man: 'This is an off-peak ticket sir'.

Me: 'What is off-peak?'

Ticket Man: 'You can travel on this ticket from 7PM'.

Me: 'Its currently 3PM'.

Ticket Man: 'You can exchange your ticket at the ticket desk, don't worry, you have plenty of time'.

Ive heard this one before...

So I spend myself a further £60 to upgrade my ticket to an anytime ticket.

And I RUN to the platform to discover that this train is in fact, not stopping at the stop I'd purchased on the ticket anymore. The next train stopping at the stop I'd purchased a third ticket for though, would be around in about 20 minutes and it did go to my final destination to.

Ok.

So I plod myself down to the next platform. Only to find, this train is not stopping at my tickets destination either, in fact, no trains are stopping there. There is a bus replacement, but I'll have to take myself to a different station first to get it.

I explain to the not so kind man, that I did not in fact actually want to get off at this stop. It was merely a ruse in order to get me out London, and therefore I didn't care that it wouldn't stop there.

But alas, to no avail, as the train wouldn't be stopping there my ticket was invalid, despite the fact it was scheduled to stop there.

breathe

So I give up, I purchase a ticket to my final destination from London Euston for the grand price of £180, on peak.

At least I have a Railcard, so it softens the blow a bit.

So off I wander, head in hands, wondering how I'm going to explain to my seriously injured wife that I've just spent god knows how much for what was a two hour drive.

'Can I see your Railcard sir?'.

Of course, let me just get it off my phone.

No battery.

I hadn't exactly intended to spend the last 2 1/2 hours wandering around London Euston train station, urgently Google mapsing stuff.

Me: 'Whatever it is I'll pay it can my railcard is on my phone just let me on the train please I have so many tickets'.

Ticket Man: 'Youll have to go to the ticket booth, don't worry, you've got plenty of time.'.

Don't worry you've got plenty of time.

Don't worry you've got plenty of time.

Don't worry you've got plenty of time.

Those words haunt me.

And off I plod, to see the black lady with the curly hair and the rainbow key holder thing (you know who you are)... One... Last.. Time.

An additional £45'ish later and I have the golden ticket.

I walk onto the platform.

I stand and look upon the train.

I wonder at the marvel of it's shiny exterior.

I look inside, as I climb the steps of victory

I finally managed sit down, I charge my phone.

The missed calls come in. I call back.

Wifeys Friend: 'Are you on your way?''

Me: 'I'll be there soon'

Wifeys Friend: 'Oh well, they're transferring her to HOSPITAL LIKE 5 MINUTES AWAY FROM HOME'

Me: 'Oh fuck, ok I'll have to come back'.

Wifeys Friend: 'Dont worry, you've got plenty of time'

Those words haunt me.

£64 ticket home. Not valid via London.

EDIT: Wife is in fact, not that seriously injured.

TL;DR - I purchased like, a million tickets only to fuck up every single train i tried to board to get to the same place, in some vain attempt to visit my wife who had seriously injured herself, only to end up back home and about £400 shorter.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/TheCrazyStupidGamer on 2024-09-11 14:26:23+00:00.

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So... I've been using crappy knifes my whole life. Even when I had a chef's knife, I didn't hold its edge for long. And while moving to a new place, I chose to leave my knife behind.

That left me in a pickle, though, because I was now knifeless and I needed to cook. So I tried looking for a good knife as was the plan, but I had spent a fair sum on relocating, and was out of money.

"Ok. Let's do this, let's get a crappy local knife" I said to myself and looked for the cheapest knife I could find, and did I find a cheap knife! It was literally 25Rs, or ~$0.20. the thing is, it lacked the pointy tip. It was more like a one sided razor with a square, blunt end.

I must admit, it was awkward using that knife to remove the white part that holds an onion together, but I learned to use it and got pretty used to applying "stabby" levels of pressure to get stem ends off of fruits and veggies. (I'm pretty sure most of you know where this is headed, with that description, but I digress)

This month, I finally splurged on a full metal body, really long, really sharp steel knife. With a pointy edge. With a sharp point edge. Another thing I got was a chopping board, which I couldn't use immediately because it needed oiling, and the mineral oil wasn't here yet. That meant that I couldn't use the chopping board, and I couldn't use the knife in the plate at the risk of losing the edge.

This is the part where I should have just... Not done what I was doing, but I pushed on.

As usual, (I decided to make a curry, and needed a few onions) I stuck the knife around the root end of the onion to carve around it. To do that, I decided to hold the onion in my hands instead.

Unfortunately, out of habit, I applied a bit too much pressure than was needed. As you might have imagined all along, I ended up stabbing myself in the thumb. Right at the joint, and deep enough to see weird white stuff. I missed my wrist by an inch, and my belly and chest were not far away. God, just looking at the wound made me weak in the knees, and I lost hearing for half a minute.

The fun thing is that I had chopped chillies before getting to the onion, so the wound is burning like a ***** right now. but at least I didn't stab myself in the chest, cut my wrist or lose my thumb.

This is bill. Bill does stupid things in the kitchen. Don't be like bill.

TL;DR: stabbed myself in the thumb trying to remove the white tooth part of the onion, with a new sharp knife, while holding it in my hands without a chopping board and stabbed myself pretty deep in my thumb.

I've been to a doctor, by the way. Don't worry ☺️

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/StarSweeper94 on 2024-09-11 07:25:34+00:00.

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Recently I bought two goats from a local livestock auction for a ridiculously cheap price. They are my first goats and I love them, they are small breed, open does and the vet gave them a clean bill of health, plus they are super friendly. The only problem was their ear tags that the auction stuck on them (in addition to the typical scrapies tags) with their auction numbers. They were these horribly heavy plastic tags held on by a thick metal ring. They were tearing holes in my poor girls ears! I bought a set of pliers but they didnt change a thing. I asked my neighbors if they had bolt cutters but none responded to my texts. Finally after a week of feeling guilty for not doing something about the ear tags I noticed bleeding. I ordered a pair of bolt cutters online and drove 1.5 hours to a family members house (far less rural area that can get same day deliveries), and picked them up. It was very late when I got home but I wasn't willing to let my girls suffer another second longer. I headed straight to their pen and, because I don't have a goat handling system yet and even if I did it wouldn't be the kind that holds their head still, I lifted up the first goat and laid her on her side. She SCREAMED, she did not like being on her side and she got even madder when she realized all my business had to do with her sore ear. But after she realized kicking and screaming wasn't helping she finally held still and let me cut the ear tag off. The whole time my dogs were barking like crazy inside the house. Next I went to the smaller goat. Since she was so small I assumed she would be easier to handle. Wrong! She screamed longer and louder. She screamed so loud I finally had to bring her inside the house just to dull the noise. Eventually I got the ear tag off and both goats seemed instantly to forgive me in exchange for a few treats and neck rubs. As I went inside and tended to my dogs I regretted doing this so late at night. Even more so when I looked at my watch and realized it was exactly midnight! I'm glad my goats are more comfortable now, but I'm seriously the worst neighbor. They probably all thought their own animals were being attacked.

TL;DR I had to hold down my goats to remove some painful ear tags at midnight and they very loudly protested, probably causing much alarm to my neighbors.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/South_Two7446 on 2024-09-11 05:07:06+00:00.

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This past weekend I went out for drinks with some friends in my field in school. They were a bit ahead in the program and recently went on an internship out in the field so it was great to hear about their experiences and talk about common classes we’d shared. Well, I said that I was worried about potentially failing a class which I had one final left in and one of my buddies went ahead and made a kahoot to help me out as a study guide. We had extra time in class and I was was doing the kahoot on my own to study and I noticed classmates reading it behind me and participating. I was like fuck it, we can all study together and asked who wanted to join. My teacher noticed we were cramming over a little computer screen and suggested I put it on the projector, so I logged into my account and did exactly that. We all participated as a class and joked around with our silly kahoot names and the teacher was having a great time too, even helping us with answers that we weren’t all getting correct.

Class ends and I let my friend know that he was a big help, we all got great studying in thanks to him.

He calls me later that evening and says that he got those answers from our EXACT final. Question for question and I shared it with the full class and teacher and even told them who it was that was so generous to help me out ( I wanted to give him some extra brownie points because he just got hired as a tutor at school)

Today rolls around (the day of the final) and my teacher announced to the entire class that we are lucky because that review was suspiciously the exact final and after 40 minutes of her scrambling to create a plan b test we take it.

I remember her saying “he’d never do something like that” and that she knows of another teacher at a different campus who shares answers, but she seemed pretty shaken up that people had access to the answers.

I still don’t know if he is going to get in trouble and I feel HORRIBLE. The kahoot was deleted so there is no way to trace it but I’m sure she saw that he created it when I opened it on her computer. Anyways, and innocent mistake has me stressing. I really hope nothing comes of it and that he doesn’t get kicked out of school.

TL;DR I accidentally exposed someone who was trying to help me for cheating to the teacher and the entire class

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ayllllll on 2024-09-10 20:22:53+00:00.

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I'm literally sweating rn.

For more context: my mom absolutely hates me using my phone at night. She goes absolutely feral when I even mention something about watching a movie at night. And my dad (he works away and comes only on weekends) joins in with her if she complains to him enough. My sister and I sleep in one room and her a separate one. I'm 17F

So we all went to bed, and all lights were turned off. I usually don't sleep right away because I can't no matter how much I try, so I just take my phone and scroll till I get bored and fall asleep. And tonight just happened to be one of those nights where I get this sudden surge of motivation to better my life and change it for good, so I started browsing online to add things to my wishlist.

I usually send all the stuff I've planned to buy to myself on whatsapp, because I don't have my own card yet so I send them to myself and then filter them out and send them to my sister so she can order them.

So I was looking through some swimming bags to buy and I came across this really good one. So as per routine, I click the share button, click on the whatsapp icon, I see the You chat there and I can promise I literally pressed that- but the next thing I know I'm inside our extended family's groupchat AT 1 AM.

My mom's siblings, her cousins, the cousins' kids and their wives and husbands- all of them are there in the GC.

So in my country or culture or whatever, if someone sees you using your phone at night, they automatically think you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. And having one is actually very taboo here. my mom's cousins actually collect their kids' phones at night so they won't use them. And they're quite gossipy. For more context: we live in the city and they live in our hometown which is not very much of a city, so my sister and I have grown up listening to their taunts about our clothes and stuff like that.

So I quickly deleted the link to the swim bag and immediately sent it to my sister so I have backup and evidence that I actually in fact was browsing swim bags and not texting some boyfriend.

So now, I've to not only deal with my mom, but also the possible gossips from my extended family :,) they're probably gonna say stuff like "who is she texting at 1 am" "why should she use her phone at 1 am"

I think I can handle mom. She wakes up at 7 am usually. I've already panic set alarms till 5 - 6 so I can wake up before her and start working out and being active (she's happy when I'm not lazy) and somehow explain the situation to her...

But I really donno about my extended fam... I don't wanna give af either.

I JUST WANTED TO BUY A SWIM BAG

TL;DR I accidentally sent the link to the swim bag I wanted to my conservative extended family group chat at 1 am.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Teodorp99 on 2024-09-10 16:14:31+00:00.

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So recently I've been using a macro to do some farming on games on my Xbox since I don't have much time to play during the day.

This morning I wake up and start swiping through my notifications when I see several random charges on my PayPal. I open it up for more details and see that it's for several games totaling just over 200 pounds, and they were made at 3am. My first thoughts are "either my cousin decides to treat himself, or someone hacked my account". Both of these motions were dismissed when I went to check on my Xbox, which was mid download.

I notice some weird behaviours though, as the screen would just cycle between buttons, clicking and then back to circling which made me realise the macro was still running.

Somehow, the macro had escaped my game and gone to the store to treat itself to a few games in the night. Immediately I'm a little annoyed as that was the remainder of my paycheck and I have about 15 minutes before my bus leaves for work, so I can't deal with it.

When I got back home, I luckily found the refunds page on Microsoft and got them all refunded, as well as putting a lock on the item store so that no games can be purchased without me in the future

Tl;Dr: my nightly macro decided to treat itself to some games using my bill money

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/BigE1263 on 2024-09-10 13:49:41+00:00.

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Hello all. This just happened yesterday and I thought it was pretty funny looking back at it.

For the last few weeks I’ve been looking into trying out a bowling league to try and make friends (it’s important to know beforehand I’m in my mid 20s). I found a league that looked interesting and decided to give it a try. I got a call comfirming everything and thought that I was gonna have a great time. Granted it was half an hour away but what’s the worst that could happen

Then the worst did happen

I get there and I was expecting to find some people my age but as it turns out it was quite literally all seniors (70+). When I noticed this after I drove 30+ minutes, I pretty much got out of there the moment I realized this wasn’t for me.

Not as big of a FU but still a pretty funny one.

TL;DR check the information of the event you’re signing up for before you attend

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ExcellentAd7332 on 2024-09-10 11:24:13+00:00.

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This didn’t happen today but about 18 months ago or so.

About 13 months ago or so, I underwent a sleeve gastrectomy, which is where a surgeon cuts out the majority of your stomach so that you can’t eat a lot anymore. It’s for very obese people.

This is a pretty big surgery, and they put you through a lot of tests before you’re allowed to have it. One of these tests is a Gastroscopy. That’s when they sedate you and put a camera down your throat to look at your stomach.

I was walking to the hospital, when I realized that I had to “have a big and long meeting on the toilet”, but that wasn’t anything new since I always had that urge whenever I got a bit nervous. (Happens before every job interview)

So, I think, “Yeah, I can do that after the gastroscopy.”

I go into the room, lay down, and I get sedated.

An instant later (to me), I woke up and was ushered into a wake-up room since my gastroscopy was over, and they found no issues. I sat down in the wake-up room and waited.

That’s when I felt that my behind was very wet and muddy.

If we rate the consistency on a scale of one to five, in which a one is a stone and a five is pure water, I would rate it a 2.5. Imagine mashed potatoes.

Naturally, I quickly jumped up from my seat, and lo and behold, my pants even left a wet stain on the chair.

It wasn’t very nice to see that.

In the end, I walked to the nurse, told her what happened, and asked her where the toilet is. The nurse looked very weirdly at me and directed me to the toilet.

I cleaned everything up as well as I could and went home.

Tl;dr: Didn’t go to the toilet before a medical procedure that required sedation. Pooped pants.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/AlphaDoodleDerg on 2024-09-10 10:19:01+00:00.

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Here's a simple and not so serious one today, but a FU nonetheless. This happened less than an hour ago and my pregnancy hormones still have me feeling foolish and devastated.

Lets start with i like minecraft, even more so when modded. Ive been working on a world where i plan to set up a massive zoo system, complete with tailored exhibits for each creature. So, ive added a ton of extra animals with mods, and i knew that as i caged more and more, i would run out of inventory space FAST. So like many other modded players do, i got the backpacks mod. Let me tell you this thing is a lifesaver. Saves me so much time since i don't have to make a million trips to and from areas collecting resources for each pen.

Of course, like many players of modded worlds learn, you can never stop at just a few mods. Obviously the experience is only enjoyable when you cram your world with so many mods your poor computer that hasnt been updated since 2015 starts to cry, and thus, my world of 100+ Mods was born. Many are simple changes like clumping EXP to help with lag, or QOL things such as lumberjack based mods or the backpack mod. Of course there are bigger mods to add new creatures and biomes and furniture, but todays story will involve a very unfortunate interaction between two of the mods. Backpacks and Quark. You already know what backpacks does, so let me explain Quark. Quark is mainly a QOL mod, tweaking minor things such as how glass works and giving new tools for easier decorating, adjusting enchantment mechanics and etc. Nothing too crazy, but its a LOT of tweaks. One of these is a lava bucket interaction. In normal Minecraft, lava can delete items when you place it down and manually throw items inside, like a trashcan. Quark makes it easier by eliminating the need to place and throw stuff down, and instead you can right click to just instantly delete items in your inventory or in a chest when hovering over the lava bucket. Convenient!

Now to my FU. I didn't scour through every quark feature, so i missed the above lava bucket interaction. So imagine my surprise, and horror, when using my backpack to quickly pick up stuff from a chest, which just so happens to require... a right click... to add it to the bag, my backpack runs out of space, and in my spammy click-y haste, i proceed to delete the backpack and all its contents the second i right click the lava bucket. The backpack, which is diamond upgraded (so it can hold tons more items than usual), FULL of my valuables such as diamonds, enchanted books, and other expensive loot that took me hours to collect during my most recent exploration. Let me add this took place in the span of literally a second, so i had no time to react or read the tiny pop up that tells you to "shift click to trash item" until it was far too late and the bag was gone. So, hours of work and rare loot was gone, and as ive already had a rough day due to my pregnancy, i did what any sane person would do.

I sobbed, desperately searched for a fix, found none (I have no saved backups, like a fool, and i didn't wanna cheat stuff in, since i wasn't 100% sure exact values of stuff i had), and now here i am, spreading the word to reddit in hopes some people get a nice chuckle of my misfortune, or hopefully, learn from my lesson. Read your mods! (Or just take things slow, but aint nobody got time for that. ;P )

TL;DR: Didn't read mods in full, deleted hours of work due to certain mod interactions. Cant recover it because i didn't make any backups.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/TidalRose on 2024-09-09 20:26:57+00:00.

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So on Friday I got a new bicycle. I was super excited for it to come into the shop, and when I finally got it I was ecstatic. It’s a beautiful cruiser that’s honestly too embarrassing of a color to steal IMO. I love it.

Now, I haven’t ridden a bike in at least a full year up to this point. While my sister and I took a ride around town on Saturday so I could get used to the bike, I hadn’t tried to do anything as insane as, say, try to bike a mile and a half in under ten minutes. Also, I should probably mention now that I have asthma, which in my case gets more severe when I do strenuous exercise.

I work at a place roughly a mile and a half from my house. It’s a straight line, sidewalks aren’t great but they’re still pretty well paved. My shift started at 4, and by the time I got my bike out of the driveway, it was around 3:50.

I needed to hurry.

So I, in my infinite wisdom, turned on “It’s Pizza Time!” On my phone at full blast, put it in my basket, and didn’t stop pedaling as hard as I could until I got to the building’s door. I barely made it into the building on time.

I could barely get off my bike, my upper legs hurt so bad. I could barely breathe despite taking my inhaler before leaving. My throat felt like it was on fire, and even as I’m writing this I feel like I could pass out.

It’s now twenty minutes into my shift and I’m typing this instead of working. Thank god I’m a janitor because otherwise I’d probably get in trouble. I’m still struggling to even stand up, I had to take my inhaler again but I’m still having a lot of trouble breathing, and I’m genuinely worried I may need to go to the hospital if my airways don’t open up more soon. Taking deep breaths is possible, but it hurts my throat. Fuck.

TL;DR: Severely overestimated my own athletic abilities when riding my bike to work for the first time and might have given myself an asthma attack.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/failing-body on 2024-09-09 19:55:00+00:00.

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I asked him if he was sure it was elderberry. He said yes, definitely. I asked him what it tasted like and he suggested I try it myself. He said he didn't care for them himself. I think, sure, I trust him. He grew up poor on the farm and knows a lot about this sort of thing.

Or so I thought. He identified the elderberry correctly, right?

Nope. Not elderberry, pokeweed. Which is poisonous.

Fortunately it seems I don't need to go to the ER or anything based on what Poison Control said. I only ate one berry. At worst I might get nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. Still scared the shit out of me. Definitely learned a lesson today about double checking. I may or may not be spending a few hours on the toilet later on...

TLDR ate poison berry because I stupidly listened to my dad who was confidently incorrect

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Take-A-Hike-Bub on 2024-09-09 01:14:05+00:00.

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So it was a little after lunchtime and I wanted to get a burrito down the street. I hop on my bike and head down to the taco shop. I grab my GIANT carne asada burrito with extra sour cream, guac, and salsa and begin my ride back. I see my neighbor (who is also my crush) out on the porch and decide to raise my fist high up in the air and yell "FOOD!" I dont know why I did this. Trying to be silly I guess. Looking back I realize how corny it was.

Anyway, As soon as I take my hand off of the bike it gets a bit squirrely on me and have to quickly reach down to regain my balance. This quick jerk of the handlebars sends my burrito to-go bag straight into the spokes of the wheel, shredding it into a million pieces. Sour cream, guacamole, salsa, napkins fly everywhere. I also fly straight over the handlebars and onto my face, breaking my arm. I was so embarrassed that I didnt even let her drive me to the hospital. 30 minutes later im sitting in the ER covered in mexican food and starving. I wanted to die. Dont even ask me what I said to the doctors when they asked me what happened.

TLDR: Tried to be silly, lost control of my bike, burrito got sucked into my bike spokes and sent me flying face first into the ground.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ehtio on 2024-09-09 10:37:14+00:00.

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So this morning, I grabbed my headphones like I always do, ready to listen to some music. Didn’t think twice about it, just put them on and hit play. Almost immediately, I felt this weird tickling in my ear. At first, I thought it was just a hair or something, but then I felt it move.

I ripped the headphones off, and there it was a spider crawling out of one of the ear cups. I shook the headphones, and more little spiders started falling out. Apparently, they had made a nest inside the headphones, right where my ears were supposed to go.

And yep, a couple of them decided to crawl into my ear. Spent the next few minutes trying to shake them out without losing my mind, then spent the next hour checking my room for any more of these creepy crawlies. This was definitely not how I wanted to start my day, and now I’m probably going to have trust issues with my headphones for a while.

TL;DR: always check your headphones before putting them on, or you might end up with a bunch of spiders in your ear.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/deaddollash on 2024-09-09 00:17:54+00:00.

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TIFU by turning my cat into an iPad kid

Recently, my TV broke, so I decided it would be cool to replace it with a projector. A few days ago, the projector arrived, and I spent a few hours setting it up and playing around with it. Then, I had the bright idea to put on one of those videos made for cats—the ones with insects, lasers, and mice—to see how my cat would react. She fucking loved it. Naturally, I let her watch for about an hour before turning it off for the night. She protested a little, but nothing too serious—at least, not compared to what was coming.

Over the next few days, I foolishly let her watch the projector a few more times, thinking it was hilarious how excited she was about her new “toy.” However, as time went on, she started to get a bit more vocal, growling and meowing at me to get my attention. I soon realized it was because of the ads. She was throwing tantrums because she couldn’t stand waiting.

Now, she complains whenever I turn it off, or if she gets interrupted and bonus points, my YouTube now thinks I’m a cat.

TLDR; I let my cat watch videos on my new projector, and now she throws tantrums like an impatient iPad kid when I don’t let her binge insect videos.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/MindfulMewtwo989 on 2024-09-08 17:13:11+00:00.

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Pretty much as the title says, still shaking as I type this. Was trying to call someone on my phone and had my galaxy bud in my ear as usual. Went to put my pan of frozen chicken tenders in when all of a sudden my earbud slid out of my ear and rolled to the very bottom of the oven. Not the bottom surface of it; just perfectly in the opening where the heating element was. Oven was maybe about 240 degrees.

I went to retrieve it but it started smoking something fierce and I panicked. Bud + rechargeable battery in a hot environment not a good thing. I've never really had an incident like this before, so in my panic I grabbed the fire extinguisher and give it a little spray until the smoke stopped and called the fire department because it was still trapped and, in my mind, at risk of bursting into a serious fire.

Proceeded to feel stupid when they told me to let the oven cool down, unscrew the bottom cover of the oven and get the headphone out. One of the firefighters even joked it may still work once I fished it out lol.

TLDR: Galaxy earbud rolled to bottom of oven when I tried putting food in. Thick smoked started while oven was still warm, I panicked and called fire dept and used fire extinguisher. All is well though :)

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Moodi-Judi-555 on 2024-09-08 23:12:59+00:00.

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So for reasons that I won't explain because they're irrelevant, I've been so burnt-out lately that I haven't taken a shower in like two weeks. I know it's unhygienic but I just haven't had the energy lately. So anyway today I finally had enough and decided that the best way to get myself to take a shower was to put in a hair mask on the logic that I would have to take a shower to wash it out. So I grabbed a tube of hair mask, brushed my hair, and put the mask in. I then put it in a bun and wrapped it in a plastic bag to keep it moist and set a timer on my phone for when I needed to shower it off. I usually like to shower in the evening or at night before I go to sleep, so the timer I set was for 6:00 pm. But I forgot to check what time it was and as it turns out I put the mask in around 3:30. Now with a normal conditioning mask this would probably have been fine, but I didn't use a conditioning mask. No no. I used a hair-growth mask that you're supposed to massage into your hair and immediately rinse out. it's supposed to stay in your hair for 3 minutes, tops. So 3 hours later I hop in the shower and start washing it out. But then I realized that clumps of my hair were falling out, and not only that, but it was breaking too. So I rinsed out the rest of the mask and immediately pack normal conditioner on to try and do damage control. I then got out of the shower and wrapped my hair back up. So yeah. I'm currently sitting in my room with a plastic bag over my head, trying not to think about what just happened. Any advice?

TL;DR: I put a hair mask in my hair for three hours and my hair started falling out and breaking, so I put normal conditioner in my hair and wrapped it back up again. I'm now in my room in denial.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/2ndstreet11 on 2024-09-08 22:47:49+00:00.

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A month ago, I landed what seemed like a dream job: Project Manager at a cutting-edge tech startup. The salary was excellent, the perks were top-notch, and the role sounded perfect. However, despite my excitement, I had a nagging feeling that something was off.

I ignored it and signed the offer. When I started, the red flags quickly became impossible to ignore. The first major issue hit during my third week. I was tasked with leading a critical product launch that was supposed to be a showcase for the company. The deadline was tight, but I was assured everything was on track.

As the launch date approached, it became clear that the project was in disarray. Key deliverables were missing, the development team was uncooperative, and the marketing materials were still incomplete. I discovered that the timelines had been unrealistic from the start, and the initial plans had been hastily put together without proper input from the teams involved.

To make matters worse, I was left to clean up a mess created by a lack of communication and poor planning. The day before the launch, I had to pull an all-nighter to address last-minute issues and fix errors. The launch itself was a disaster: the product had multiple bugs, the marketing materials were outdated, and customer feedback was overwhelmingly negative. The fallout was swift, with clients expressing frustration and the company’s reputation taking a hit.

Looking back, I should have noticed the warning signs earlier—like the chaotic onboarding process, inconsistent answers from team members during my interviews, and the lack of structured project plans. I ignored my gut feeling that something wasn’t right and ended up in a role that was far more stressful and disorganized than I anticipated.

TL;DR: Ignored gut feelings and accepted a Project Manager role at a tech startup, only to face a disastrous product launch due to poor planning and lack of communication. Always listen to your instincts and thoroughly vet opportunities before jumping in.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Boba_tea_thx on 2024-09-08 18:13:48+00:00.

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About a year ago, I had finished 25 rounds of pelvic radiation (for cancer) and was taking Percocet for severe pain I had around that time. I stopped taking the pain medication cold-turkey before I ran out, but somehow my body didn’t react well to this. I was having some serious stomach pain, and the doctors were suspicious that I had gastroparesis. They needed to do an endoscopy to confirm it. I thought, “Hey, I’ve had surgeries before—no big deal,” and then I got curious. I wondered if I could remember what happens just before being knocked out by anesthesia if I made a real effort to stay awake.

Challenge accepted.

I had already been in the hospital for a few days because of my stomach issues. They wheeled me from my hospital bed to the surgical area, and then transferred me to a smaller bed. I was parked in a huge room with a few other patients, separated by curtains. Fun fact: I had been in the same room a year before for a painful blood patch procedure (without anesthesia).

Eventually, they rolled me into the surgical room. My bed was parallel to the freezing cold surgical table, and they moved me over. As always, they asked me my name and birthday for the 50th time. Then the anesthesiologist came over to my left side and started putting the meds into my IV, which was near my left hand.

And that’s when I messed up.

Suddenly, I felt this sharp, shooting pain going all the way up my left arm. I wasn’t just uncomfortable—I was crying uncontrollably from the pain. I remember someone on my right saying, “Don’t worry, you won’t remember this when you wake up.” Well, spoiler alert: I remembered.

When I woke up, the first thing I recalled was that awful pain. I’ve had multiple surgeries before, and anesthesia was always fine. But now? I’ve got a brand-new fear of going under. Thanks, brain.

TL;DR: Tried to stay awake and be aware before the anesthesia knocked me out during a surgery. The meds caused a shooting pain up my arm, and now I’m mildly terrified of surgery.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/anxious_pacman on 2024-09-08 12:32:42+00:00.

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So today I (20F) had to take an online proctored test for a campus placement drive (although I am already placed in a company but this was a mass-recruitment drive) and it is a pretty big company. I also cleared the eligibility for another pretty big (Big 4) company and downloaded both of their eligibility forms.

The part where my habit of being completely and utterly disorganised with my computer storage practices kicks in right about the time the first company's test began and it asked for "Document Upload for Eligibility Form". I pressed Browse, Downloads, Admit Card(1) and pressed upload.

The sudden realisation hits exactly 1.5 hours afterward and well, Admit Card (1) was indeed the form for the other company.

This is where my bf (21M) laughs his ass off and tells me to put this up. Thanks love.

TL;DR: Wrong eligibility form submitted for the wrong company (both being big companies) in campus-recruitment drive and now panicking next to my ever-so-amused bf who's currently laughing at my fuck up.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/shroomtalk on 2024-09-08 02:50:40+00:00.

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I (19f) had no plans Friday night and decided to take an edible and go see the last showing of Aliens at 10:30pm by myself like any sane and normal person would do.

I’d say I made it about half way through the movie till I tapped out…the chairs at AMC are really comfortable btw 10/10. Anyway, I wake up in the most confused state of my life…takes me about 30 seconds to realize A. The movie’s over B. it’s now 1:30am C. I’m all alone and the building is completely shut down not an employee in sight

After wandering around this liminal space while being absolutely baked…I finally found an exit door that takes you out to the back of the building. I keep walking around the exterior of the building for what feels like a decade just trying find the entrance. Then all of a sudden I see what I think is the last 3 employees getting in their cars to leave.

This story wouldn’t be as funny if it wasn’t for coming across them and hearing them talk to each other about how they swear they checked the back. No words were exchanged between us as I walked past in shambles…just complete silence.

Anyway, that experience alone was scarier than the movie itself…could not stop laughing about it on my way home though

TL;DR too high at the movies by myself, fell asleep, woke up at 1:30am to the theater being empty and shut down…somehow managed to run into the employees out back as they were leaving

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/UltimatePhoenixBat on 2024-09-08 00:16:54+00:00.

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So this all started with the 21st birthday of a friend of mine. We had a great dinner and afterwards we split up into two groups, some people went outside to smoke, the others (including me) stayed inside.

A friend of mine had a breakup so I offered him tinder plus since my creditcard gave me free tinder plus and I don't use dating apps. Somehow the conversation went to me making a tinder account for fun. Which I was casting to the tv in the living room for entertainment.

As I was setting up my account I had to upload pictures so I opened my gallery without worries as I've never actually taken a dick pic (without deleting it instantly) . As it turns out I had forgotten I felt good about my abs 3 days ago and made a pictures of myself after showering.

Turns out the very first picture I took was something that I was not aware I had made. It was a moving picture showing my torso (and my dick) in the mirror. So I basically showed my dick to my friends after which some people intside went to tell the other folks outside but I already scrolled past it (obviously).

In the end it was a pretty funny story for me because the people in the room that saw it were people I trust, but I certainly regret making such a stupid mistake.

TL;DR: I screencasted scrolling through my galary and screen casted my dick to my friends

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/babyalicememedreamer on 2024-09-07 22:57:24+00:00.

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Backstory: In summer 2022,i met a guy who ill call bart. When we first met we werent super close but he was dating one of my friends so i would bump into him frequently.

After a few months, bart and my freind broke up and the breakup was complicated and i didnt see him for a while.I didnt see him until 2023 when we both started going to the same music group. We were always (and still are) super supportive of eachothers original music and progress and stuff.

Fast foreward to a few months ago, i dstarted developing a crush on bart. I didnt plan on telling many people but due to my lack of understanding of socializing and social anxiety, id just blurt it out when i was awkwardly standing with a friend and didnt know what to say.

I only remember telling my brother, my close friend group and some friends who said they wouldnt say anything to bart.

Now, i dont know if i was just being super obvious or if someone told him but i was hanging out with a friend. I was about to tell her because she told me abt when she had a crush on someone when she turned to me and said "you know he knows right?"

That was 2 weeks ago. I have been shitting myself for the last two weeks, waiting for him to confront me but i think both of us are too afraid of confrontation to say anything.

We had our music group on thursday and he played a song he wrote and i think it might have been about me. It had some lyrics abt whispering sweet things about him and 'meet me at the centre' (its a youth group in a youth centre) and added some sildes on guitar (ive mentioned before how i like the sound of the sliding because it scratches an itch in my brain)

Now i dont know what to do. Pls help 🙏🙏

TL;DR: i have crush. I tell my close friends and some friends who specify tHey wont say anything. Word spreads (or im too obvious). Crush finds out and writes a song. I shit myslef for the next forseeable future

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Throwaway074964 on 2024-09-06 23:49:38+00:00.

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So basically I have a crush on a close friend of mine who goes to a school very far away from where I live. We barely see each but we text almost every day and honestly that’s my favourite part of the day

But a while back I told her that I liked big girls which was super scary since she was the first person I told about it and I live in a country that being bigger is seen as problem or that you are lazy (Makes me very sad )

But I’ve also been crushing on her for years now and last year when I saw her last I told myself that the next time I see her I would tell her how I feel

Well I saw her tonight at a party and I don’t know how to say this but she has gained significant amount of weight I worried would make her think I’m only interested in her because she was bigger

We spent the rest of the night partying and having fun and i had an amazing night just talking to her again but I didn’t tell her and I don’t know what to do any advice would be appreciated big time

Also if the Smosh people see this I’m a big fan

TL;DR I told my crush I liked big girls but now that she is a big girl too it feels wrong to tell her about the feelings I’ve had for years