TW: suicide

Don't want to hurt abusers, but I do want to be able to hurt them and choose not to. I think it'd help me if I gained the ability to imagine physical vengeance. I want this to end in forgiveness.

It's long been unsustainable for me to be a martyr. I waste my life away in maladaptive daydreaming where I imagine helping my past abusers. I've attempted suicide over the grief of past events, which gave me CPTSD and OCD.

I've had multiple physical abusers, and can barely imagine hurting them. I need to build the ability to imagine attacking. I think if I can imagine hurting my attackers and physically punishing them, including just for my own vindictive fun, then maybe I can gain the ability to actually forgive them.

Currently, I imagine giving them what they want, and then magically figuring out a compromise with them where they change their minds and stop being an abuser. (Like dating someone who sees me as a piece of meat, and using the relationship to change their mind so they're not a shithead anymore.) I think that's not actual forgiveness, it's just bending to their will. I cycle through these maladaptive daydreams of self-sacrificing for the benefit of the inhumane, and waste my life in suicidal grief. I'm skipping something crucial...

...I realize cannot truly forgive without making a choice to not hurt them. I think I need to first imagine brutal vengeance. Not to act it out, but as a step to expressing myself differently before I attempt forgiveness.

A friend has also been trying to train me in MMA, but I won't hit for real. I won't spar with them even though I know its good for me. I just imagine stopping danger through compromises that don't actually exist.

One session I hit a bag for real. I was down to punch after someone had attempted to assault me days earlier. Being vindictive seriously helps, and imagining torturing and annihilating the predator was a huge help.

___

Okay, this might sound like a first-world problem, but I suffer from schizophrenia, so please hear me out. I work in an office setting with just two people. The job I currently have is the most laid-back gig I've ever had, as I essentially work in a support role for the other person who works full-time. I work only four days a week and have a flexible, relaxed schedule.

Truth be told, my coworker is also my mentor, and I am being prepared to eventually run the operation on my own. If I worked hard and dedicated myself, I might come close to achieving the greatness of my mentor. Seriously, he is an absolute beast in his field. The thing is, I just don't want to do it. Plus, I'm not even sure I could do it even if I wanted to.

The current state of affairs is perfect, and I love it. I just don't 'want' more. Yet I know it can't last forever like this.

If I followed in the footsteps of my mentor, I could make serious money - like a substantial amount. I doubt I could ever make that money anywhere else through legal means. (I wouldnt be a millionaire dont worry hexbear) However, I'm scared of the time and mental commitment required. I'm a lazy slob, not a super elite salaryman. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should just get my shit together and be a real MAN™, make that money. I want kids one day and a family; this would secure that dream. On the other hand, I'm kinda chill being alone, and having kids could remain a dream?

Currently, I work to live. Could I envision a scenario where I live to work, if it meant substantial benefits despite the sacrifice?

Im aware that even being my position is a privilege (regardless of my minority background)

It might all seem childish, I know, but I have been living in a lull. Only in the last 10 months or so have I been waking up; that's why I'm making this post.

Any input is welcome.

They can't be a good group considering the kkk was formed the same type of scottish presbyterian person when they moved to the US

I like reading on e-ink, my kindle just keeled over but want to get out from under the Amazon bs. Anything that won’t have me fucking with a laptop is a bonus.

Really not well and I get this way everytime I drink

Tell me a spooky scary story. Something that happened to you, or someone you know, or local folklore, or something your uncle told you by the campfire. Paranormal experiences welcome. I want to look like pic attached.

(just nothing involving SA pls and thanks)

finish it

was discussing this with a friend of mine (she's an anarchist but she actually organizes and shit). she was saying there can be no such thing as revolutionary masculinity because the two things are contradictory. but i'm a marxist so contradictions really butter my bread.

i think in a utopian, communist world gender identity would be completely different, to the point where it might not even be legible to us today, but my question is more about how we get from here to there. basically, can we men find a way to not be shitheads in such a way as to bring about communism, or does that not even make sense

feel free to dunk on me if this is a dumb question

Death to America

Obviously there's the dialectics where it can be the opposite. I need to view it as more of a loving world right now.

Localized entirely within your kitchen?

My in laws gifted my kid this pretty cool RC car but it makes this awful music that’s REALLY loud. Can I wire a resistor in series on one of the speaker legs to turn the volume down, say 50%?

I really like my hair, and it's starting to get thinner. No I do not want to get bald. Yes I am already eating healthy and exercising, I know diet is important thank you for not answering my question you smug lucious haired motherfucker

Hi, I was wondering what the economics and related social factors are in this current controversy?

I'm not USian, so I'm not too familiar with things there. I know its being used as a political football, so to speak, but there must be material factors involved too right? I mean, I see some commentary here about the 'political' drama aspect, and people saying its "manufactured" or similar. But I'm not sure if they mean it's not real (or vastly 'overblown' in terms of effect) or if they mean it is real, but caused by someone(s).

As far as I understand, human migration is (despite being against international labor law) treated as a commodity exchange, especially by richer countries. Like the US (and Europe) like to mess a place up (or bribe comprador rulers), because it consequentially provides them with exploitable labor, temporary or permanent.

I may be incorrect, but thats how it seems to me. So, if that is true, what are the material considerations for those states that are making a drama out of the Southern Border issues? I know that agricultural labor and domestic servents and porters are often from poorer countries where I am. Certain industries (hospitality, agriculture, construction, warehouse/factory) are reliant on such migrants. So how does this break down for the US, in terms of industries, and States interests?

Are they causing a shortage of commodity labor for the big coastal cities? Are they messing with the Academy (students)? Is the military affected? Is it more about servants for the wealthy?

I ask because I haven't really seen a good analysis of this on these grounds, only on either moral or political grounds, from a USian yet. Thanks!

So, my partner finally decided to get with on the trolley and start getting shit for free

Problem is, I've been out of the sailing game for a while, so I don't know what's good anymore and I figure y'all probably know what's gonna work best for us anyway

I'm sort of tech savvy, but anything on the less finicky side would probably be best

Thanks in advance, -Love, Flakes

I just checked the rents in my area and I could rent a large commercial space for only $1k when absolutely tiny studios here are $1.5k minimum. I checked the building has 24hr access and I will be asking if it has a water hookup. Is it too risky?

Friend linked me a video on advertisers in NASCAR and I could only make it like 2 minutes because it's just them talking about the seemingly positive mental associations they have with auto parts brands and winning racers. Supposed to get to "weird" sponsors later, as if it's more weird for there to be a Scooby Doo ad than an M&Ms ad for some reason.

A bunch of these other kinds of videos just talk about like Five gum ads and their "rise and fall" as if that literally matters at all.

I think one depressing example is innovation in weapons and other dangerous fields. "If we don't build it, someone else will first" is unfortunately historically been shown to be true, has it not?

Today's unsavory borderline reactionary doomposting brought to you by: my crippling fear that I'm isolating myself in a political echo-chamber (so naturally I gotta hop online and exclusively ask my fellow leftists)

I usually get a few scam calls every day but in the last week or so it's increased exponentially. For example: I've received 19 in the past 6 hours. Just curious if this is happening to everyone or just me.

I know this site spawned from a podcast but that's the extent of my knowledge. I cannot be the only one.

I know about the podcast because someone I hang out with listens to them. I almost always half-listen to the first five minutes then tap out.

(...Except when they cover Rod Dreher. He's my favorite topic they bring up. )

Because even when things are looking up, lots of the topics are depressing. For example, when the Hamas are successful in any way, it's always attached to their struggles. Sometimes I think I'm too fragile to listen., Other times I think it's actually my perspective. Perhaps I'm too cynical and must beat a case of doomer brain. There's always a better perspective to see the news with.

I also got dismissed and dehumanized a lot as a child. I don't like to hear others suffering getting the same or worse treatment. Even if it's heavy, I would like to not dismiss listening to their stories. You develop a resilience to hearing them over time right?

Hopefully well?

My sibling likes to read fiction. They’re a comically basic-ass shit-lib. This person says that they don’t like to talk about politics. They always take the bosses side at work, basically a reincarnation of our Rachel Maddow-parroting boomer capitalist fucboi parent.

I know it’s a tall order but: What work of fiction can I gift them that will break them out of their capitalist complacency and remind them that they’re nothing more than a wage slave before they can even resist the indoctrination? I want to be subtle but effective; it has to fly to under their radar.

To give you an idea of how hopeless this little lemming is: this person has been reading Vonnegut lately and legitimately didn’t even know that Eugene Debs was a real person. This person figured it out when I informed them of Debs when they were telling me that no one has ever run for President from a jail cell. 🤦🏿‍♂️

Halp!

I saw some people on Reddit discussing whether someone was being orientalist, and I agreed they were simply by using the phrase "zen-like concentration". I'm not offended by them using this term, I just find it stupid. "Zen-like" has absolutely no meaning, but gives an air of eastern spirituality and mysticism. I personally think you should only be able to use that phrase if you can give a detailed and verifiable explanation about the differences between zen-like concentration, huayan-like concentration, mahasthabir nikaya-like concentration, and chan-like concentration, as well as recognize that the last one is exactly the same as zen.

And why is it only ever "zen-like"? I'm sure everyone would find it strange if Asians suddenly started to use the terms "seventh day adventism-like" or "independent fundamentalist baptist-like" to refer to the elements of American culture they find exotic.

I've been debating to myself whether or not voting for a third party candidate (Either PSL's de la Cruz or Green's West, regardless of my criticisms for both) would be the most "effective" use of my time in election season this year. The argument for "not" is that maybe voting at all is bad because it legitimizes this system, even if a third party candidate getting a record turnout would grab more attention (and piss off Blue MAGA cultists) than simply not going since it's not like abysmal turnouts, even by this country's historical standards, are newsworthy at this point. So I guess I have to ask how you people rationalize voting or not this year?

I fully understand that this is more symbolic than anything else and won't materially affect change for a while but it's still something to think about.

These are the 2021 numbers. I have a printout of the 2022 numbers (china 546B, US 141B) but not a digital copy.

This page indicates that the 2023 numbers are out but I can't get access to the report. anyone got the new version of this chart?