Munching on crushed ice.
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Comunion wafers
Baked tofu. It's the blandest substance in the known universe, but it's cripsy and chewy and dense, and your brain is just like fuckyeah, protein.
Yes you can season the outside of it, but that's true for literally any substance. Hey, if you put barbecue sauce on carpet, it becomes barbecue flavour. No kidding.
Hmmmm interesting, I'll have to try!
A couple of things to know:
You need the 'extra firm' or 'hard' tofu - it should be as firm as a cooked chicken breast. The softer ones are just nasty for this.
Cut in smallish cubes - 1cm is perfect - toss first with salt and a little olive oil, then a spoonful of cornflour.
Spread out on parchment, then bake in a hot oven until they get some colour - around 20 min depending on a bunch of factors.
A little chilli and garlic power in there makes them amazing, but now we're getting into actual flavour :D
Dragee stuff. Like sweets with a hard coating and a softer inside (dragee eggs). When you break the coating the whole thing starts to melt in your mouth.
One thing I love and simply haven't found a replacement yet: "Obstgarten" yogurt which is very fluffy quark with a bit of fruit jam underneath. I don't want the fruit jam, but I do love the quark part. If you buy other quark products they simply don't have the same texture (which is probably created with nitrogen in an industrial process and can't easily be replicated at home).