this post was submitted on 31 Jul 2024
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If you don't find someone physically attractive, how do you settle down with them? Do you just accept getting into bed with someone you're physically repulsed by every night?
Not every relationship is based on physical attraction and, by extension, sex
I'm not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
The vast majority of relationships will involve physical attraction and sex. It's highly unusual for that to not be the case for allosexual people. That's not a value judgement—if a minority of allo people find something else works for them, then that's great. But if OP is asking if this is normal, then no it's not. Even 'less attractive' people, as OP put it, find people they're attracted to enough to enjoy a lifetime of intimacy and sex with.
Overcoming a lack of physical attraction is a pretty big barrier and I can't see most people overcoming that barrier just to 'settle down.' Not being your physical ideal is one thing, most of us settle down with people who don't look like models or actors, but finding someone physically unattractive is a tough sell in most cases.
I don't think this only applies to ace people. Sometimes you just realize you can't have everything, settle with someone "below your standards" in respect to that, and even if you sleep in the same bed, you don't do anything with each other in that way.
Thing is, sex is not a privilege. If you - as someone in such a situation as OP - can't accept that, you are in danger of growing.. hateful views. I don't want to become such a person, and it's clear that it's not their fault that they are not attracted to me. Realizing this helped me accept it.
To be totally clear, yes, I'm not ace, I have the desire, but that's just not how it works.
There are still other benefits of having a partner, like not being lonely and sharing the costs of living.
To also respond to OP, I don't know if this is "the solution". This is better for everyone involved than the alternative where you grow to be a hateful person. But maybe you should reevaluate if you are really in such a situation as you think. Possibly you are right, possibly not.
No one is entitled to sex, I agree. But in a relationship, you are allowed to make clear what your needs are and move on if those needs aren't being met. It's not entitlement to know what you want. Having a 'dead bedroom' is why a lot of relationships end.
If I may ask, was there any physical attraction between you two when you met?
To be honest, there is no other person here. Not yet, at least. My case is a little different, because it's not about how I look, not even the personality (but who knows actually? I know I have problems e.g. finding the right tone, and sometimes seeming harsh), but some other properties that are day to day pretty noticeable, and are often associated with being handicapped (not in the meeting of being silly) (even by myself when I notice it on others). I know that this is universally a thing (or rather things) that is hard to accept, and I seriously wouldn't want to live with someone like that either.
The point I wanted to make is that it's ok if no one wants to be with me.
I have not yet started searching for an "economical partnership".
I don't know you but my advice is that you talk to a therapist before you condemn yourself to a life of unhappiness. What you're thinking about yourself is not always objective, even if you think it is. Being self-critical is not the same as being realistic
There is a lot of room between attraction and repulsion though. A not ideal looking person who is so good in bed, loves you and you get along with? Maybe they are neutral to you looks-wise but hot for reasons other than looks.
Someone whose looks repel you? No, that's never going to work.