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Is the polyam community at large feeling more ethical or less ethical to you lately? (hexbear.net)

submitted 3 months ago by Infamousblt@hexbear.net to c/polyamory@hexbear.net

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I haven't been polyam long enough to really form a strong historical opinion on this so I'm curious what Hexbears think.

Basically what I'm asking is; do folks in the polyamory community overall feel more ethical or less ethical these days, knowing there is a huge influx of people new to the community due to polyamory becoming a more culturally accepted thing in Western culture and media?

Basically I see lots of new people in the last year or two who "saw it on tv and wanted to try it. " Some of them no doubt are doing it ethically where others are clearly polybombing their partner as an excuse to cheat. So it's been tough to form an opinion on if polyamory in the media is helping or hurting the community at large.

Curious what others think.

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[–] Frank@hexbear.net 17 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Dunno, i never really got in to "community", the vibes always felt weird. I just date more than one person, it's not an ethos or a hobby. I don't necessarily have any connection with other people just because both of our girlfriends have three boyfriends.

[–] Infamousblt@hexbear.net 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I mean if you're dating multiple people and it's above board and they all know about it and consent to it...congrats you're polyam by pretty much every definition I know even if you don't use the label! I would agree that the community vibes can be weird but that's true of every community I've ever been in for anything.

[–] bubbalu@hexbear.net 9 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's a difference between doing a thing and forming a worldview or ideology around it. Like I don't think of hellenic greek homosexual men as gay in the same way I think of myself. Like the thing they were doing was the same but the cultural frame is very different.

[–] Frank@hexbear.net 4 points 3 months ago

There's a trust and safety issue, too.

If someone's at an event because they're Brad's friend or Jenny's girlfriend or Tom's sister then they've got a name, a face, and a reputation. If someone's with Tom, they're with Tom and we're going to Tom's Thing with Tom's Freinds at Tom's Place. There's details. "The whatever community" makes me think of events where there's paid wrist bands, a paid bar, and no guest list, or events where no one is quite sure who is running things, or "hey let's split hte cost of rooms with these guys I met from out of town they seem cool".

I don't trust lifestylists because a lot of them seem like they're in it for the lifestyle, not the people. I've observed a substantial number of lifestylists will sacrifice people to protect the lifestyle. Not with polyamory, but with any lifestylist thing; hobbies, whatever. i dunno. Lots of bad experiences. Lots of stray dogs and ronin out there.