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How can I improve my communication with a friend I like? (mander.xyz)

submitted 2 months ago by Mothra@mander.xyz to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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There is this guy I like, I have reason to think he may like me too but we're both playing dumb, or maybe I'm just imagining it all.

Yes, that's how immature I am. Now please help me.

We've known each other for years and we seem to get close to each other, then we take distance, then close again, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I'm terrified of losing him as a friend for trying to be more than just that. I've already lost people for showing my interest and I've also had to burn the bridge with guys who wouldn't give me space or kept hitting up on me repeatedly. This happens.

I would like to create a consistent, regular conversation going on. I'm afraid of overwhelming him so I don't even know what's a good frequency to reach out.

Personally the biggest challenge for me is finding ways to deepen our conversations. Things tend to stay pretty much on the surface most of the time, even though we can talk of almost any topic openly. Another barrier is our very different interests, we have almost no shared media in common (different music, different shows watched/liked, different videogames liked etc).

Usually when talking to other friends, conversations tend to naturally steer towards more meaningful topics. I don't know if I'm inadvertently holding myself back with him, or if finding meaningful topics has always been a thing started by the other person and I've never realized it.

So, any tips?

Have you got ways to deepen conversations?

Guys, have girls ever impressed you positively and how?

Thanks

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[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 73 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Okay, fifty year old asshole here. I've danced the dance more than a few times.

Don't waste time fucking around. You have the feeling, you be up front, honest, and let whatever happens happen.

A real friend? Trying to go romantic and failing won't change a thing long term. A real friendship is too deep to destroy by just not working romantically. And if it isn't that deep a friendship? Then something would have ended it eventually.

Now, if things don't work, but only one of you thinks that, it can take time and work to move past, but it will if the friendship was real in the first place because you'll value each other more than the failure can break.

You also have to be prepared to hear a no, and then learn to move past the no. If you can't, then chances are it wasn't that good a friendship to begin with.

There's going to be nerves, but you just open up, let it go, and let the other person respond. Don't do any big gestures, no movie crap. Just be the person you are and talk about it.

Me? Once I got past the whole fear of rejection thing, it was always easy to just say "hey, we're pretty close, and I'm feeling some extra love here, beyond the friendship part of things. It seems that's reciprocated, so how about we try this? Let's do a formal date and see if that gives us a jumping off point."

The conversation goes from there to whatever the next thing is. Sometimes it's a no, and solutions it's a yes and things don't work. But sometimes it's a yes, and things do work.

Right now, me and my wife (that started as friends, and didn't even realize we were moving into romance until I told her I loved her and things moved kinda on their own) have occasional dinners with three of my exes that are still good friends. And I'm still in contact with others that aren't close enough location wise to have many visits.

Tbh, the only exes that I'm either not still friends with, or wouldn't be if we were in the same location, were ones that didn't start as friends.

Seriously, the next time y'all are going to be together, when there's a moment that the feeling it's going somewhere, say something.

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 11 points 2 months ago

Thank you