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How can I improve my communication with a friend I like? (mander.xyz)

submitted 2 months ago by Mothra@mander.xyz to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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There is this guy I like, I have reason to think he may like me too but we're both playing dumb, or maybe I'm just imagining it all.

Yes, that's how immature I am. Now please help me.

We've known each other for years and we seem to get close to each other, then we take distance, then close again, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I'm terrified of losing him as a friend for trying to be more than just that. I've already lost people for showing my interest and I've also had to burn the bridge with guys who wouldn't give me space or kept hitting up on me repeatedly. This happens.

I would like to create a consistent, regular conversation going on. I'm afraid of overwhelming him so I don't even know what's a good frequency to reach out.

Personally the biggest challenge for me is finding ways to deepen our conversations. Things tend to stay pretty much on the surface most of the time, even though we can talk of almost any topic openly. Another barrier is our very different interests, we have almost no shared media in common (different music, different shows watched/liked, different videogames liked etc).

Usually when talking to other friends, conversations tend to naturally steer towards more meaningful topics. I don't know if I'm inadvertently holding myself back with him, or if finding meaningful topics has always been a thing started by the other person and I've never realized it.

So, any tips?

Have you got ways to deepen conversations?

Guys, have girls ever impressed you positively and how?

Thanks

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[–] Modva@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Tricky, but you could take the approach of just putting it on the table:

"Hey, I have a weird random question... " And then ask if he thinks there is life elsewhere in the universe or what he thinks is going on with flat earthers or whatever. It isn't bad to be a bit random in timing.

In terms of timing specifics though, you don't want to do it in the middle of some other discussion, so you normally wait for a quiet moment or a lull in the current conversation. Typically depends on what's going on. I find something like building puzzles together is great for this, because you've both got something to do but it's not so intense as to block easy conversation that just meanders a bit. Just an example though.

When you are together, what are you normally doing? Long drives are easier to find ok moments, studying in the library or in the middle of a dentist appointment less so

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I'll see what I can do. Maybe I'm too self conscious about coming with something out of the blue.

We tend to walk a lot around shops, or have a meal somewhere, or sometimes hang at a pub with his work mates. Occasionally a movie night. Got more suggestions for hanging out? I'm all eyes

[–] Modva@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

So you want to try create the right moments for deeper conversation, I think that would be more likely away from his mates? I don't know them so just guessing.

With that in mind, maybe Google around for anything interesting or different happening in the area. A gardening or book faire, wine or coffee festival, anything relaxed. Then ask him if he wants to go. Ideally something quiet that has some walking around?

That might create helpful conditions.

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 1 points 2 months ago

This has already happened... We can hang out. It's taking things one step forward the tricky part. Guess I'm going to have to take my chances and find yet again another excuse to hang out, and just say it. I'm getting tired of feeling like this