I know that everyone who follows this carnage in Gaza and wider is fucked up. I see it. So if you want to comfort me by saying I'm not alone, it won't work.
I can't take it anymore. I'm avoiding my shrink because she will gaslight me that I am doing this to myself alone. She'll tell me not to follow the news, not to interact with people online about this and such stuff. I never found the words to defend my support to Gaza to her. I won't stop watching. It's the least I can do. I don't want to turn my head and continue with my life. I don't understand how doesn't she get that. And I don't understand how people can not think about what's happening in Gaza.
Yeah, genocide is making me devastated and depressed and the only way I can feel better is if someone could end this carnage in the Middle East. But even after that, it's impossible to just forget and be happy like nothing happened. I will always carry this scar, I feel.
I also feel selfish for writing this. Because Gazans are the ones who suffer, I'm just depressed from what's happening to them, what are scum doing to them. I feel guilt for eating, for taking a cab to work, for buying skincare... I'm spending so much money on donations and even the fact I'm doing something to those people doesn't comfort me.
I'm trying to avoid the news. I just follow Gaza Now and watching what is fucking Pissrael doing to Gaza and wider. I can watch disfigured kids, but I can't read news, even from leftist outlets because I am sick and tired of talking and this is not ending. Just talk talk talk.
First thing I do when I wake up is checking if my friends from Gaza were online. That's indication if they're still alive. If they weren't online, my heart will sink until someone from them sends me a message and while I'm waiting, I'm trying to find out what happened.
I can't take it anymore. I'm constantly thinking about them and how the hell are they surviving this. My heart literally bleeds together with theirs. I want this to fucking end and I want my friends to live. I want their sufferings to finally end.
I hate everyone, I'm scared what's waiting for us and I can't believe that we're witnessing this.
I'm on 20mg of lexapro and it helps. But I am nevertheless so fucking depressed. Where's this planet going? Why did it have to be this way?
I'll die. I will literally die from sadnesses and hopelessness.
USA and Israel and all of your fucking allies, FUCK YOU. I hope something really bad will happen to you. You've destroyed all of our lives, but above everything, you genocide people in front of our eyes. Fuck you to hell, fucking monsters.
Despair is natural in the face of genocide, it means you are empathetic and aware. Despair like this is even more likely when one does not have an outlet, a course of action they can take in solidarity or comrades to talk to about it. Do you have anyone you could talk to or know a local group that also cares about this like you do? They might be organizing protests or vigils.
I probably do, but knowing myself, I wouldn't be long in the group because I am kind of a loner. I chat a lot with people from other countries who are donating religiously like me, but we're all in sort of despair.
I mean, this really needs to stop. We are all affected by this. Fascism is raging and this needs to stop.
If I wasn't on lexapro, I would probably be in a hospital. This way I am able to function. People usually say they can't cry on lexapro. Well, go and watch online genocide and I guarantee you will cry your heart out. I've cried so much.
I really can't stand the fact that those people don't eat, don't sleep and have to see butchered loved ones every single day. The horrors they're facing every single day. Why is that allowed? Why our voices don't mean anything? Why their suffering doesn't matter shit to stupid governments? How is this possible?!