I'm gonna use this post as an opportunity to get some conflictions I've felt in my heart out into the world.

After learning that there was such things as "hot" people and "non hot" people I struggled with self image constantly.

The saying "hell is other people" really sticks with me and characterizes alot of how I would grow to view myself. In terms of my body fat, my barrel chest, my facial structure, and my thinning hair, my view point on the way I look could be characterized as unhealthy at best, and profoundly worrying at worst. In a sense, I'd fully internalized this idea that I'm not attractive.

This translates into today quite interestingly. I left my shitty job, moved to a walkable city, got back into school, got a good workout routine, I'm eating much healthier and now in seeing significant results in how my body looks.

I should be happy right? That's the thing, I am happy. It makes me feel really good. I feel desirable and, sometimes, even a bit hot. Not movie star hot but I've noticed when I crack a smile at people I get a blush or an interested response rather than a neutral or just friendly one.

I guess the bulk of why I wanted to write this is because I feel conflicted about how I never overcame this negativity towards myself based on appearance. If I firmly believe others shouldn't be judged for their outward appearances, then why couldn't I ever internalize it, why can't I bring my mind and subconscious understanding to reflect what I've been taught to believe, what I think is right.

I suppose I haven't got a major point to make. Maybe the healthier body has made a healthier brain and that made me hate myself less. However, I think that may be too simple of an explanation. I'm just frustrated with this sense of learning that, to my subconscious anyway, the fucking shit head vapid and vain ideology infected me so much I was incapable of self love until I reached a point where I thought it was okay to do that.

Maybe you guys have some thoughts from reading this? Regardless, I hope you're doing well comrades and I hope you're getting fit and healthy.