Not only did it take me 23 years to figure out that this constant, never-ending and subtle 'something is NOT right' feeling was actually gender dysphoria, I feel like I have to play a constant game of trial and error with my emotions even for the tiniest of things.
I'll squirm uncomfortably for hours on end, stuck in 'functional freeze', feeling like I just have to relax because I'm stressed from work, but what I'm actually feeling is HUNGER.
Then I eat something and try to remember what hunger feels like, but end up doing the exact same thing as soon as I wake up the next morning.
Don't even get me started on shopping groceries... If I don't buy the EXACT ten items I always buy, I'll be stuck for twenty minutes in front of the cheese isle and try to logically deduct which of these cheeses I might like, because I don't have any gut instincts whatsoever.
I'm not that bad at reading others others emotions, because I have learned the signs of body language, but I can't look at myself in the mirror and have a conversation with myself to see how I react to things when I'm out and about. I just have to know what I feel, which is kinda impossible sometimes.
I just sat in silence in front of my computer for the past few hours, feeling this tangled blob inside of me that tells me 'Hey, you want something! Better figure out what it is.'
After two hours of trying to: watch a show, eat more, shower and change clothes (none of which worked), I remembered: 'Ah, I like listening to music and I haven't done that in a few days' - so I put in my headphones and then it's like 'Ah yes, that's what I've been missing'.
Going through this all the time is SOOO exhausting! I HAVE TO sleep 10+ hours every night to recharge from experiencing conscious reality - and people still wonder why I dropped out of college xD
Oh. My. God. Your post is my life. My therapist said I have alexithymia but I didn’t get it. Now I do!