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If you two make enough that she can keep her own money and buy whatever she wants without affecting your finances, then arguing about what she spends money on when your finances aren't separate has nothing to do with money.

Same. We have our own accounts as well as shared accounts. We both put the same amount into our shared accounts but also maintain the rest separately. Best of both worlds. No reason to agree about non-shared expenses. I watched my parents argue over money too many times to want that in my life. We don't need to agree or share opinions on non-shared purchases.

Matter of taste. With my last husband, we just placed both our salaries into a shared account, took all the expenses out of it, then split the remainder 50/50. Each one could do whatever they wanted with their half, and we even had a flex account for house expenses that weren't covered in the original expenses calculation, and it worked great.

I mean, whatever works for you and for your relationship.

I'm sure some relationships are like you described, and that does seem asphyxiating, but there's a middle ground where one can trust a partner with shared finances knowing that they are responsible and that big ticket items are discussed and agreed between the two.

As for secrets, it depends. If it is something that relates directly to my partner and affects them, I will tell them always. Otherwise, no. There's no expectation from them that I'll share every last secret about everyone they know, or vice versa.