this post was submitted on 12 Jul 2025
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A Boring Dystopia
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...huh? i don't know what that means.
He's just saying that using Lemmy as a cope for not having IRL friends is healthy.
But, to your point, making friends is easier than you think. Join groups. They're everywhere. I literally went to a "boardgame play testing" event today and met a lot of cool people.
Things like that are everywhere. You just got a look for them.
oh, uh, sure? that's an odd thing to reply with when i never implied only having friends on Lemmy or online was healthy.. so.. alright. i do have friends in person, if we're going to talk about it. i just still find it rather difficult to make new connections.
Fair. The OP you were responding to was about how people cope with loneliness IRL with pseudo-real online interactions, and you responded with how it's difficult to find relationships in person.
I agree it's not necessarily related, but I the guy above was wildly afeild taking your statement as an excuse for why finding relational fulfillment online is an acceptable cope. It was kind of the topic at hand.
But, aside from that, I think making new connections is really just about going out there and doing it. I'm 33 and constantly meet new people, so it's definitely achievable in your 30's. Just go to things. Open up Eventbrite or whatever and find something going on that looks like fun, and then just go. There's a whole world of opportunities out there to meet new people.
look lol, i know. it seems that simple. i have significant mental health issues that complicate things. i wish i could just go. i also don't value the same people you may do, so finding people i truly get along with is not easy for me.
I know mental health issues complicate things, but that's something to work on, not an obstacle that can't be surmounted. I have tons of friends with mental health struggles of all kinds.
But you say that you don't value the same people I do, but what makes you think so?
As I say, I was at a local boardgame meetup this past weekend. Not exactly a "party" crowd. And to be clear, there's local meetups for everything under the sun. What do you value in people that you don't think you could find a social group for? What makes you think finding a group you would vibe with is particularly hard?
yes, but we are all unique, unfortunately. none of them are me with my specific problems. a big part of my struggle is socializing in general.
because i know the reception of the beliefs i hold and they are universally condemned
there aren't any groups that interest me in my area. i have looked on all the usual places.
I have friends with crippling social anxiety. It's a lot of work, and they have their ups and downs for sure. But it's something that they're working on in therapy and making strides on. It is possible to improve and for things to get better.
I mean, it's hard to say without knowing exactly what you're talking about, but universally condemned likely seems strong. But regardless, you said that you don't value the same people I do. Does that mean you can't value someone with different beliefs than you?
You say that there aren't any groups in your area that would interest you. What kind of group would interest you? What group, if you saw it was starting up in your area, would motivate you to go out and meet people?
oh sure, i don't deny that. i have experienced a lot of positive growth over the years and hope it continues. but i am not financially stable enough to pursue psychiatric and psychological treatment, so.. just kinda dealing with it the ways i can.
not necessarily. our differences cannot be significant. it does mean i am far more intolerant than most, though, but on a personal level.. not as an outward participant in society. i am pleasant to everyone i meet, but developing a friendship comes with baggage for me. i am less willing to talk to people with the goal of friendship in mind because i largely encounter folks who, frankly, i am better than. and that's pretty sad because i suck.
it is unlikely i would go because i am unable to attend events solo due to anxiety. if i don't know anyone i have no security blanket. i am not in the right headspace to tackle this issue at the moment.
Fair enough on all counts.
I would point out that if everyone only made friends with people better than them, no one would have any friends. It's important to pour into others as well as to get poured into. It's how we make the world better. And just because someone is "worse" than you doesn't mean they don't have value. And it doesn't mean there isn't something you could gain from having them as a friend. I've had friends who are "better" than me and "worse" than me make positive change in my life.
And I know you say you're not in a place to work on this, and I can respect that, but I would say that it's never a bad time to continue leaning forward in a positive direction. And if this is something that's negatively impacting your life, the sooner you work on it, the sooner you'll be less impacted by it. No time like the present and all that.
very true. however, it does make me less willing to be friends with them. we can be mutually kind and supportive, but i don’t want to know them on a personal level. also, it’s all a spectrum anyway. there are greys between each side, so it’s not like i’m looking for carbon copies of myself. but the radius of my tolerance is low, lol.
i try to lean forward, i do. i am, to my own chagrin, romantically optimistic about humanity. but it isn’t unrealistic. i ground myself by keeping up on sociological and political trends. shit is bad. shit is worse than bad. shit is worse than worse than bad. it’s all impacted how i see others and their role in the world.
It does sound like you've let doom scrolling negatively impact your life.
I won't argue things are bad, but the reality is that most people are generally decent.
Sure, there's a lot of dicks out there, but they're very much the minority. They are just overrepresented in the Lemmy echo chamber (and other online platforms too of course).
Obviously it's hard to say if you're being "too picky" as it were without knowing exactly what lines you're drawing, but it sounds like you might be projecting your negative expectations onto people as opposed to people actually not living up to those expectations.
i know it seems that way but it’s only because you are not accurately viewing the world, in my opinion. it isn’t that there are dicks, it’s that there are uneducated, ignorant, self-serving people who are just trying to get by. they don’t usually act maliciously but their unintentional ignorance and poor judgment causes worldwide death and suffering.
i cannot stand the average person any longer. truly, i have struggled my entire life. but the PTA mom who votes Dem without giving much thought? she is just as responsible for fascism as her Republican counterparts. it doesn’t matter if she isn’t doing it intentionally or maliciously—the end result is the same. if you are effectively contributing to the destruction of humanity i want nothing to do with you on a personal level.
I do think there's an element of privilege here. Just because you have the luxury of time and space to be involved in politics and spend a lot of emotional energy in that area doesn't mean that everyone else has that luxury. For the single mother of three, working two jobs to provide for her kids, she probably doesn't have the bandwidth to be super "educated" politically.
But what would you have that PTA soccer mom do? The bar is always arbitrary. I could choose to set it higher or lower than you. Why is your spot for the bar what it is? I could claim anyone who isn't vegan, or uses toilet paper, or doesn't drive an EV, or isn't growing their own food, or isn't chaining themselves to government buildings in protest isn't doing their part and is actively "contributing to the destruction of humanity." You have defined your threshold of acceptable somewhere short of actively murdering fascists (I assume), so why is that? And what makes your choice of threshold the correct one?
I think we have a tendency to say, "what I'm doing is the correct standard," in order to make us feel justified in our outlook and superior to the people around us. Is it that others are actually "contributing to the destruction of humanity" more than you, or is that something that you tell yourself to help maintain an emotional wall of protection?
And, literally all that aside, I think your assumption that there aren't plenty of people around you who feel similarly to you is unfounded. You could make friends by getting involved in a political campaign. I did that a number of years ago, and met a lot of great people. Helped a lady get elected into the House of Representatives. Had a great time and met a lot of cool people along the way. And surely those people would meet your thresholds of "good enough," no?
i'd argue it isn't a luxury it is a responsibility and i do not have the time or space, actually. i do it at the sacrifice of my mental health as i've made clear.
frankly, i'm not interested in this conversation because you are not the first, second, third, or 100th person to say the same thing and my response is never agreed with and it just becomes a back and forth until we either agree to disagree or tell each other off.
also no, i have not stopped short of actively killing fascists. murder it would not be, it is self-defense. ultimately, i am morally superior and am confident in that fact. it's not something i expect people to understand. i am lucky that my partner feels the same as me and we can share in this worldview. what makes me more correct than others? the fact that i am and they aren't. i have the outlook that results in the least amount of human death and suffering.