this post was submitted on 06 Oct 2023
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This drug exists for me, and it’s called heroin. Unfortunately it also slowly kills me and turns me into an asshole, but from the inside…bliss.
Clean for 14 years now, but I’ll never forget what it was like to be, as William Burroughs called it, the de-anxietized man.
10 years this week for me (alco, not heroin, but it served same purpose)!
When you find the drug that makes you bulletproof, that’s when you have a real problem on your hands.
Exactly. I self medicated for over a decade, then attempted to stop. Went insane; was wild.
Withdrawal is so much worse than people make it out to be. When the physical part stops, the mental part remains forever.
When I was an addict, I was able to stare down a gun in my face with no fear. Now, I may have a panic attack when my boss says they want to talk to me. Even though I know that is a human experience, once you know there is an off button, it is very hard to resist the temptation.
Luckily, I invested in people and activities that make it embarrassing/impossible for me to be that way again. It is part of my ongoing strategy to make relapse not worth it.
I still have dreams though.
Yeah well said.
I had to change a lot about life and manage my anxiety carefully. I have to stay away from social media/drama, keep only a couple close friends, walk slower, meditate, stay busy with work and hobbies. And I have to make sure everyone that I’m around is aware of my alcohol allergy - to keep me honest.
Once upon a time I was heavily involved with the church, small groups, kids ministries, etc and the treatment I got from that world during my battle to quit drinking was unreal. Even thinking about that friend group, including my ex-wife, really raises my anxiety.
I went from being very religious to hating the modern church but having a deep spiritual and personal relationship with a higher power.
Proud of you, keep going.