I feel like I've been gaslit into running FOSS but every success only brings me closer to fighting god
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Linux is a family of open source Unix-like operating systems based on the Linux kernel, an operating system kernel first released on September 17, 1991 by Linus Torvalds. Linux is typically packaged in a Linux distribution (or distro for short).
Distributions include the Linux kernel and supporting system software and libraries, many of which are provided by the GNU Project. Many Linux distributions use the word "Linux" in their name, but the Free Software Foundation uses the name GNU/Linux to emphasize the importance of GNU software, causing some controversy.
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But I just installed Firefox with apt-get. Fairly certain it doesn't install the snap version that way.
Can you check if you already have Mozilla deb repo setup on your ubuntu installation?
It can. There was a 'feature' in Ubuntu before that made apt actually fetch the Snap version instead. I think this was the case for Chromium and Firefox. I don't know if this is still the case though.