this post was submitted on 17 May 2024
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Mildly Infuriating
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If you can remove the alcohol from any "cocktail" and still have more than just flavored ice or a dirty glass, you were drinking slightly alcoholic mocktails the whole time.
Old Fashioned mocktail is a cherry on top of a large ice cube that you've used to bludgeon some sugar and an orange.
A Sazerac mocktail is akin to an empty glass someone just drink a sweet lemony drink from. You don't get the lemony drink, just the dirty glass.
A margarita mocktail is salty lime flavored ice. This is basically a daquiri mocktail too, adding a strawberry seems popular.
A Manhattan mocktail is a sweetened cherry in an otherwise empty glass.
A mojito mocktail is a bit more substantial, minty sugar water with a hint of lime.
A mint julep mocktail, again just minty sugar water.
A white Russian mocktail is just a glass of cream over ice.
A mimosa mocktail is just a nearly empty glass of orange juice.
The non-alcoholic parts of a cocktail are rarely more than a quarter of the volume if they're made properly. Most cocktails are a half oz of sugar water and a citrus flavor. The other 2/3 of the volume (not counting the ice) is alcohol. Just order a soda, soda water (with or without a garnish), tea, or my favorite a Topo Chico and lime.
One virgin martini please. Stirred.
handed cool glass with three olives in it
Thank you, kind sir!
Hey man, over half of that vodka is water anyway, so it's all just a glass of water with some bitters.
First of all, a vodka martini isn't a classic martini. That's why you have to say "vodka" before martini if that's what you're ordering. A martini is made at any reputable establishment with gin. I'm sure you could say "rum martini" and any established bartender would raise an eyebrow but make your order.
That said, I order my martini the same way every time: pure Everclear stirred with a single ice cube. Wave a bottle of vermouth over the glass while looking in the direction of France.
One olive or three, never even numbers. I'm not a savage.
Then after I've vomited on the bar, they wheel me home on a dolly.
Edit: my actual standard order is Beefeater, extra dry, one olive. Keep it simple and classic.
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Topo Chico and lime
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