askchapo

Test clear sells products that I've been told work really well. You'll need to figure out what kind of test you'll have to do, because that effects the plan a lot.

Fill condom up with friend's piss, tape to thigh, also tape a hand warmer and something small but sharp to puncture the condom. Using real piss is more reliable than the fake stuff. And the hand warmer is in case they take the temperature of the pee, you don't want it to be room temperature.

UPDATE: Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate all of it. With that being said, we're out of the woods comrades :)

Firstly, I was wrong about them having to watch you piss. It turns out that I got that info from a panicked google search and I later called up the hospital to clarify this, they said that they would only need to watch me if I refused to provide a sample, or if it looks like the sample I provided had been contaminated. This was my first good news, as I saw this as a good opportunity to revisit Operation Pissjar™ where I bring in a jar of my clean friend's piss.

After that though, I found out that they're actually using the XCup 4 panel 4045 test, which, as it turns out, does not actually test for cannabis. It instead tests for amphetamines, cocaine, opiates, and PCP. If it were a 5 panel test, I would have needed to worry about cannabis, but it's not, so I'm fine. I am a little bit peeved, though, as the offer letter my job sent specifically said they'd be testing for weed, and every cursory google search I made said that 4 panel tests look for weed, but the specific one that they're using apparently doesn't.

So apologies for the panic, but thank you all again for the advice. Fuck drug tests, fuck sobriety as a hiring requirement, fuck America.