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The original was posted on /r/dating_advice by /u/No-Kale708 on 2023-09-05 21:25:42.
What is this behaviour? Am I over reacting?
So the thing is i have met a girl and we have been dating for a few weeks and i left her house last night pretty abrudptly without a real explanation becouse i felt super bad becouse of some incidents. and the day after i called her to tell her it was becouse sometimes she does certain stuff that im not okay with or makes me feel bad.
A couple exemples
1)we can have a nice conversation and then a Notification comes off and in the middle of it all she loses all attention to me and smiles more at the phone and laughs to these other guys texts. And its like i dont exist anymore or are there And after she forgot what we where talking about.
2)we had plans for the day and where hanging out in a park when she asked me if i wanted to meet her friend and i said yes. So we Walked to his place and it was all okay at first (we all get along) and then they started to talk alone with eachother and i didnt feel bad then. i was just happy they had alot to talk about and where catching up and i know that they are verry good friends. But then this went on for a long time and then they started talking about what they where gonna do on the weekend togheter and made a bunch of plans to go party togheter And i just felt totaly awkward and freezed out. I mean i would love for them to hangout but I felt left out and like i was not existing listening to them hyping each other up word for Word on how epic and cool their whole weekend where gonna be. going clubbing and raving and partying togheter. while i was sitting right next to them like i was not there for over an hour and a half.
3)silly one but made me feel bad… I came with the idea that I wanted to take her swimming and we went to make plans to do that sometimes during the week, and she was super excited about it. 2 days later when I was with her at her house and in the evening She asked if I wanted to sleep over, and I said sure. Then she said cool but you have to leave at 11 becouse I’m going swimming with a friend. So I felt a lump in my stomach, and asked (cool is it anyone I met or know?) and she said (no) And I was just trying to make conversation so I Said cool what’s her name? She said some guy name I never heard of before. And then looks at me and smiles and says (why are you jealous) and I just felt so bad and said I sleep at home tonight becouse im having (work) and just left.
4)long story short, We made plans to go to club togheter The plan was I was gonna show her and her friend (who was new in town) around and introduce them to two of my friends. And when i show up at the meeting spot her and her girl friend Stod with two Random guys they just met outside another club and told me they where going with us. Weird feeling. I could tell they where trying to flirt with her but she didnt seem bothered.
Well i made a meeting with her this morning to apologize and explain why i just took off from her without an explanation last night I said I can not continue dating if it is like this. And finally spilled the beans that she sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable or invincible or not heard or seen. And she didnt take it verry well. But all she seemed to care about was if i still wanted to hangout with her in the future and be friends atleast. And just skipped the point i was trying to make that i feel bad sometimes with certain things she does. I heard (im sorry my actions hurt you) (Im sorry you feel that way) (this is making me uncomfortable now that you are saying all these stuff) I also said wich maybe was dumb of me, but that i know she is flirting with one of these guys (lets call him jakob) and she said (is it becouse of those sticker messages, hahyou are paranoid) and then i said okay but im not dumb. And she said lets walk, pointed to me where the train was and said you dont have to go this way the train is there) So i Said aha alright and said (goodbye) and open my arms for a hug and she said while looking me in the eyes (no hugs becouse where are not friends) So i just said (alright bye) And walked instantly away as fast as i could And felt embarrassed and empty.
How could me opening up to her Wich she wants me to (she said) trying to communciate that I feel sad and horrible and showing vulnerability end up with an argument and all of this shit?
When i got home she sent me this message
“”” I feel really bad that some behavior of mine made you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry for that Sometimes when i talked to you I felt like you were bothered and this had put me in a defensive modality I think, I'm sorry for that too. Without communication it's hard to understand each other. I really though this was going somewhere even if we do have some different attitudes and thoughts. But I did feel kinda uncomfortable too with this situation, I didn't understand which were the borders. Anyway when I go away I'll leave a lot of stuff in (city), if you need pillows, the blanket and some other stuff you can have it for free “””
The message didn’t make me feel better at all, just a little annoyed I need help, what is this exacly? What is the best response to this? I don’t want to be a bad person, I don’t want to over react, I don’t want to make her feel bad or ignored either, how do I maybe save this friendship if it’s sincere?
A part of me feels really bad that I told her how I felt and all the problems becouse she got sad and and mad and it made her uncomfortable. but another part of me feels relief that I did tell her, I feel a little bit more free and at peace now and some pressure got of my chest.
What is the best thing to do here? What would you guys do?
Thanks for taking your time and reading