Kolibri

but guess what! he been drinking since 3am of yesterday! and I know like, what a week or two ago? he did try to be sober. but he told me that he wanted to started to drinking and I told him that just even having one just gonna cause him to spiral. and here we are now. again. for like. I don't know how many times anymore.

I should be happy that he is still at least trying at times. Of course that only happen when I confronted him two years ago that resulted in him kicking me out for a week or two. That was fun. He still hasn't said sorry for that either, especially when it stemmed from an argument that he caused.

besides that to get into something else. I can't stop thinking again, about my dog that died last month. I legitimately can't stop thinking of having to wrap his body in a blanket and carry him. I can't stop thinking about his dead body. I can't stop of that day. and it makes me think of last year when my mom died when I saw her dead. and I can't get those moments out of my head.

and I don't know who to talk about this to anyone honestly. I don't want to bother my friends with this. Their dealing with their own issues and I am not going to burden them, especially after having a past friend suddenly cut off things with me and accuse me of dragging people down. That hurts and that still haunts me. And it makes it more harder than ever to just talk to people about things. Because then I start questioning "Wait, maybe I'm just being extremely negative and no one wants to hear this."

and I can't talk to my dad about this. Since he's drinking. And when he drinking a ton, there no support from him. If anything, it's the other way around where I need to support him. Get/make him food if he feels like eating, remind him to drink water, see if he's doing alright. Or hear his troubles about how he having trouble sleeping while I'm on three hours of sleep myself.

Just fuck, sometimes I wish I could get away from everything, but where is there to go?

[As I have already stated elsewhere [English edition: Vol. I. — Ed.], a change has taken place here since the last major general crisis. The acute form of the periodic process with its former ten-year cycle, appears to have given way to a more chronic, long drawn out, alternation between a relatively short and slight business improvement and a relatively long, indecisive depression-taking place in the various industrial countries at different times. But perhaps it is only a matter of a prolongation of the duration of the cycle. In the early years of world commerce, 1845-47, it can be shown that these cycles lasted about five years; from 1847 to 1867 the cycle is clearly ten years; is it possible that we are now in the preparatory stage of a new world crash of unparalleled vehemence? Many things seem to point in this direction. Since the last general crisis of 1867 many profound changes have taken place. The colossal expansion of the means of transportation and communication — ocean liners, railways, electrical telegraphy, the Suez Canal — has made a real world-market a fact. The former monopoly of England in industry has been challenged by a number of competing industrial countries; infinitely greater and varied fields have been opened in all parts of the world for the investment of surplus European capital, so that it is far more widely distributed and local over-speculation may be more easily overcome. By means of all this, most of the old breeding-grounds of crises and opportunities for their development have been eliminated or strongly reduced. At the same time, competition in the domestic market recedes before the cartels and trusts, while in the foreign market it is restricted by protective tariffs, with which all major industrial countries, England excepted, surround themselves. But these protective tariffs are nothing but preparations for the ultimate general industrial war, which shall decide who has supremacy on the world-market. Thus every factor, which works against a repetition of the old crises, carries within itself the germ of a far more powerful future crisis. — F. E.]