AskGaybrosOver30

It’s official. I’ve become an elder gay. I’m now giving advice to a guy in his late 20s that became my roommate and I’m in no way prepared and really need to help this guy acclimate.

He’s nice. He’s kind. He has history of drug abuse or criminal record. But I’m pretty sure he’s on the spectrum. He has poor social skills and he’s trying very very hard to meet people and make friends and just function. But he’s picking up that he makes people uncomfortable at the bar and at his job and he’s so upset.

I’m probably on the spectrum myself too. I see so much of myself in that kid it’s frightening. But I’m not exactly a huge success story myself. I’ve improved with time and repeated exposure to social situations over the years. I’ve made major improvements but I’m still quite off myself so I’m certainly no role model.

I really want to help this guy but am having Tori or explaining things like “if you go to the bars and don’t buy drinks, you are kind of fucking over the people that work there” or “when people say no to your advances, that’s okay” or “that guy that was the bartenders boyfriend yesterday is in fact still his boyfriend today”.

He hovers and watches people but never seems to initiate conversations. He just kind of circles like a vulture waiting for someone else to start the conversation. He’s just fine once it starts but his inability to introduce himself and just hovering around people he wants to talk to makes people think he’s creepy. He’s just neurodivergent. Absolutely harmless. Just getting a super late start with developing this social skills.

I dunno. I want to help this guy and am not super sure how to do this without risking upsetting him more. He’s super frustrated and confused but he’s not violent or loud or threatening or anything. He just needs help and for whatever reason he values my opinion.

How can I help this guy develop better social skills?

A while back, I posted this.

tl;dr: It actually turned out to be kind of moot because his employer is now trying to enforce RTO once a week. So we're back in VA. But that didn't happen until several months later, by which point we'd already hashed it out.

Both of us were feeling unheard and, TBH I wasn't in the best place mentally because of stress related to an ongoing project at my job that took up almost all of last year. There were also some issues with my access to ADHD medication and the dose needed to be increased. I was drinking 6-8 cans of sugar-free Red Bull a day to self-medicate, which worsened an already vicious cycle.

I think what finally got him to understand where I was coming from was when I lost my insurance due to my COBRA eligibility expiring last November. I'd seen it coming for months, and had been looking for a job since May. The insurance I would've been offered through my job at the time had a very high deductible, was expensive, and covered less. Even the best individual options on the exchange in KY are barely better than nothing, let alone compared to the insurance I had.

The cratering of the job market in big tech added to an already difficult challenge. After all, the thinking goes, if there's available talent in more "desirable" locations, why bother taking a chance on someone in the boonies? I wanted to stay in big tech not just for the paycheck, but mostly because my skills are pretty niche and I didn't want to have to learn things in which I had no interest just to get a job at a company that pays 50-60% less and thinks that they're doing me a favor by "allowing" me to work from home twice a week.

I got an offer in November, but with a January start date, so there was still a gap in coverage. My savings were able to pay for everything out of pocket, including the $400 generic version of one of my meds. But it obviously caused a lot of stress. Seeing my efforts to avoid that and still having to stress out over something that he said would "turn out fine" clued him in a little bit and got him to realize that maybe I wasn't catastrophizing.

This job pays a little less, but is much less stressful and is a good opportunity to work in an area in which I have little experience. It's at a nonprofit, so my skills are being used for good, which is nice.

With regard to our dynamic, I needed to own my reluctance to engage with anyone outside the house. I started volunteering at the local animal shelter, which helped a lot more than I ever thought it would. Both of us started small group workout classes at a small gym, so that also nudged me a bit more out of my shell. By the time he got the word about RTO, I'd become a bit attached to where we were (plus, I'd taken that job thinking that we were in KY for the long haul), so I was sad to leave.

He did try to find something else, and ran into a problem similar to what I'd encountered: low salaries for his level and type of experience and limited upward career prospects. I didn't and would never wish that on him, but I think he better understands that I wasn't being picky or acting in bad faith when deciding where to apply and where to interview.

I've been dating since I was 16 and the longest relationship I ever had was a year where I felt relatively comfortable. Nowadays I feel like I have to sleep with an eye open, so to speak, because my trust in others is gone. Too many heartbreaks, too much cheating, manipulation, dirty lies, and disappointments. Just all-around shittiness for nothing to show.

And despite all that, I'm still hopping on dating apps and meeting people on outings to find that someone. I want to believe that I can find someone compatible who I can trust. But even if I put my biases aside it still feels like a lost cause.

Does anybody have a similar experience? Has anyone gotten over this? I need some hope or advice, guys.

My boyfriend (33) and I (38) have been together for almost four years. We were one of those early couples during COVID who decided to cohabitate sooner than we would normally have preferred. I was living in San Francisco and he was in Northern Virginia. I drove cross-country with my cat and most the valuable possessions I could fit into a sedan to move in with him.

Things have gone well, with one exception: we haven't decided where we are going to live for the long term. Last year, we moved from Northern Virginia back to his home state because his mother was ill. His state is in the US South and borders my home state. We have very different views on our region of origin.

As a kid, I dreamt of leaving Tennessee before I knew I was gay. I realized I was irreligious in middle school, so I'm sure you can imagine what it was like going to a public high school that had a course that taught the bible as literal truth and a baccalaureate service at a Southern Baptist church that was paid for by the mandatory cap-and-gown rental fees. Moving to Atlanta was marginally better, but moving to SF was like escaping hell.

He, on the other hand, loves this region and his home state. He grew up in Appalachia, was very involved in his church and was even semi-out at his church. He feared his dad learning that he was gay more than he was afraid of anyone at church finding out. After his dad died, that was obviously no longer an issue, so he's completely out to his family and they accept our relationship.

It was my suggestion that we move here, though we considered Atlanta and Richmond, VA. The rationale was that he really wanted to move back home and that he missed his family. Throughout our relationship, he was always upfront about planning to move back home at some point. Ultimately, I wanted to rip off the band-aid sooner so that if things didn't work out, we'd still be young enough to have an easier time finding new partners. I saw no point in prolonging what may be inevitable.

I don't hate it here, but I'm also very introverted and on the spectrum, so I can go a long time without face-to-face contact with strangers. I've leaned in to my hobbies, which are all solitary in nature. I find it tolerable because I don't have to interact with the local culture.

He loves it here; since we moved back, his mental and physical health have improved. He's very much an extrovert, so he's joined an affirming church and gotten involved with it. He's also reconnected with old friends. I mention this because there's a bit of tension about the fact that he'll invite me to events and gatherings and I always say no. Since he's asked me this, I have been honest about the fact that I was not like this in SF or Atlanta; I was much more interested in socializing and going to events, far more so in SF.

There's an unspoken understanding that we'll likely have to move somewhere else due to his job or my career. I'm a contractor at a big tech company; going full-time would require relocation. I've been looking for a more stable job for a few months but the market is terrible and companies are much pickier than they were before COVID. I have no interest in working for a non-tech company or any company not based on the West Coast; I've done that before and found it rife with social BS. It's been years since I had to deal with the implicit expectation that I must be interested in organized sports because I'm a masculine-presenting man who regularly works out.

tl;dr: my partner and I have had variations on the same fight (where to live long-term) for the past 3 years or so . We've made progress but haven't come to a real resolution. It's complicated by the fact that even though we're in a relatively big city, there's no tech industry to speak of here and I've lost out on at least one opportunity because of our location. Is it time to consider ending things or am I being a worry-wart?

I was talking this with a friend and we were checking where homosexuality is criminalized and we realized there is a correlation with muslim countries.

Hey, if you’ve read some of my other posts, you know I’m bi. I don’t think we get to have gaydar :-( At least I don’t, given the number of times I’ve been hit on and only realized it days/weeks/years later.

Question: How do I figure out what this guy’s deal is without maybe losing a new potential bro friend, if that’s even possible?

Context: People don’t know I’m bi unless they ask, or unless I am dating them. I’ve been told by gay friends that I’m “straight as an arrow” :-P

Post-COVID I don’t really have many local friends, and no bros at all anymore. Live in NYC.

Situation: I was invited to a dinner party hosted by an extended friend circle. The hosts want to set me up with a cute lawyer, and yeah we hit it off and I’m asking her to go out on a date some time soon. No issues or concerns there.

Separate from that, there was a guy, let’s call him Ted. He’s not exactly my normal guy type (he’s tall), but I dunno, I like him. We also hit it off, he asked me a bunch of questions, I asked him, too. He’s new in town. He’s really good looking. Fit, sharp features, light eyes, a little tan, fairly hairy.

He was telling me about meeting up with a guy and they did a bunch of stuff out on the town together, and then Ted asked him, “Is this a date?” and the guy said “Yeah.” And Ted was like, “Cool!” I don’t think I gave him any indication that I’m into guys, it would have been a little scandalous since I just met the first and she was seated next to me.

He was seated next to me at dinner. Ted would often grab my arm or my shoulder (not hard) while talking to me, and look at me directly in the eyes while saying something. Sitting at the table, he’s often rub/bump his leg/knee against mine. Several times he moved his arm sideways (for no apparent reason), brushing his forearm hair against mine, which was absolutely electrifying. I might have a new kink, y’all…

Before leaving, he gave me his number, and later texted me that it was great to meet. I said we should find some time to hang out. He said he’s not going to be able to hang out this weekend (sister in town), but that next weekend will work for him. We have yet to work out the details.

Question: How do I figure out what this guy’s deal is without maybe losing a new potential bro friend, if that’s even possible?

Idea: I’ve been thinking about making some fairly neutral plans (museum, dinner/drinks), and just asking him at the beginning if this is a bro date or a date date. What else could I do that might work better? Do I not even bring it up and let him be a friend either way? Am I overthinking everything, as usual?

Thanks for coming to my sexually confused TED talk.

I am mature enough to appreciate the friendship and not think about "converting" him... but damn it is hard to get along so well with someone but know you can't even try to develop a relationship.

I'm the Scandinavian architect, partner loads it like a raccoon on meth, which is odd as he is a spectacularly good cordon bleu cook and is generally the one that is ordered and tidy around the house

Which are you

So basically title.

I have been looking to do some volunteering in the last weeks, but I have not been able to find something. With all the shit the LGBTQ+ community has been recieving on the last months, I was thinking to join some groups that fight for our rights, but I am not sure where to search for a group, maybe someone has an advice?

Just wondering how everyone is

I am 31 y.o., used to live with some early 20 y.o. and they had friends with all crazy pronouns (no pronouns, all pronouns, etc)

Im just wondering if this is a new trend between the younger generations, or if there are older folks that use custom pronouns too.

For the record, im not trying to be offensive.

It is one of the subs I enjoyed a lot back at reddit. Hope it gets some traction here soon