The Onion

(Helsinki, Finland) It has been a banner year for evil corporations slowly squeezing humanity for every last drop of profit. With trains derailing, ships hitting critical infrastructure, oil spills and fires, global warfare, and ongoing opioid problems, the dramatic end to a functioning society seems closer every day, as every facet of life seeks monetization. And every year, one industry stands out more evil than them all, and this year, oil execs say, it is going to them.

“We’ve definitely seen the attention healthcare is getting,” said one oil executive, slipping into his baby-sea-otter-skinned jacked before a gala. “You have to admit, everyone hates health care… even we in petroleum. But while they are evil… who isn’t… oil has a deep-seated hatred in the world’s psyche that deserves recognition.”

The ‘Most Hated Industry’ Awards, or “the Haties” (not to be confused with the country destroyed by poverty), is recognition that one sector is out-crushing everyone when it comes to weighing down the human soul. Oil, a perennial favorite, feels this is their time again, and they’re not afraid to brag. “We’ve had several tankers sink this year, and spill, some in the last few months. Oh sure, people don’t cry as much when each bird covered with oil dies, now a day, but we’re making it up with volume. Do you like the price you pay at the pump? Too bad. I did this, not some peasant in the White House. Our private ballroom is called Club Baby Seal. You can’t deny true hatred.”

But some experts disagree that oil is the black spot in people’s heart it used to be. Researchers at the Nestle Institute of Greater Evil find that Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the most often loathed in recent polls. “We know people would gladly shoot at oil executives if they had the chance, but you can tell from recent events that maybe oil is slipping, pardon the pun, behind other aspects of life that make it feel dull and meaningless.”

Oil executives, of course, disagree. “We don’t like to brag, but some pretty big chunks of ice are falling into the ocean right now. Sure, maybe we convinced republicans that climate change isn’t real, but that knowledge among liberals should double their hate of us, if not more.” He laughed nervously, “as long as they vote!”