this post was submitted on 29 Aug 2023
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I was sitting in a McDonalds restaurant in the late morning on a weekday in the Midwest USA. There was a group of older white men drinking coffee and having discussions. I wasn't really following their conversation, but one man made one of the stupidest and out-of-touch statements I've heard in months. Its a turn of phrase that sounds like he heard it somewhere else and was parroting it like it was clever. It isn't, of course.
It was this: "We spend so much effort trying not to offend anyone anymore. Why can't we just get back to just offending everyone?"
This man was an older version of the OP; white, cis-gendered male. He's been the recipient of privilege his entire life any may not even be aware of what others go through or think that those that do "deserve it". He doesn't get that "Why can't we just get back to just offending everyone?" was when white males like himself were immune to being criticized in society for their gender and skin color while every group that wasn't white and male was on the receiving end of bigotry and misogyny. Of course he wants to go back to that, where he can insult and belittle others others without any consequences.
I have no idea why these people can step outside of themselves for even a short time to listen to the experiences of others, and put themselves in their place to feel what it would feel like to be on the receiving end, to experience institutional racism and misogyny limiting what they can do in life in our society. I don't know how these old white men, who many claim to be instilled with a strong sense of justice, and see their fellow citizens being treated differently by our society and our justice system.
How can these people possibly become better versions of themselves when their identity is built on the premise that they are intrinsically better than other people just because of their male genitalia and lack of skin pigmentation?
They think justice is them (and people they like) winning. That's what they believe. Values and morals are justifications for what they do, not reasons to do things.
That's why they will never understand when you try to explain how they are not actually following their values, or heros, or religion. Their main idea is that they are correct and right. It's not a complicated position but it's very human.
If you don't think like that, congratulations. You're a better person. But that doesn't mean you'll be able to convince them that they're wrong.
I mean, it's obviously wrong to lash out to do the opposite of what people order of you, yet I feel like in minor ways we've all done that to some degree. I also can't think of any close group of friends that hasn't picked out some kind of group that they are okay with disparaging - be it local drivers, voters of a political party, people playing a certain game, etc. If it seems like the goal for happiness is to just forbid any externally focused negativity, it's not hard to see why that doesn't seem appealing. People always have gripes, and want to express them.
You even see this with little kids. They do a thousand mean/bad things parents hate because they want to do things. The biggest tip I think early parents need is to stop leading every sentence with "Don't ____!" - instead try to invent things that they can do that the parents are okay with. "Hey, count how many white cars are on the road." "Hey, can you fill this coloring book using only wrong colors", etc. They just want to figure out a 'space' that they're not going to be shot down for inventiveness.
The key, and maybe this is something those coffee drinkers don't understand and could even plausibly be taught, is to focus any gripes towards thoughts and actions of others, never identities. If you asked extremely bigoted people whether "people in wheelchairs are stupid", I would bet a fair number of them would recoil and tell you to shove off, because even they know no one asks to be in a wheelchair. But it's less clear to them why someone might end up a junkie on drugs, or illegally immigrating, or what multiple reasons there might be for links between arrest rate and skin color.
I mean, you may have answered your own question with the "I have no idea" part. If you can't envision an even halfway possible reason for the life they've lead, bringing them to that point they make that statement, you have your own answer how it's hard to put yourself in others' shoes.