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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-03-09 05:00:09+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Aromatic-Ice-968

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for Not Serving as Much Food as I Know My Dinner Guests Will Want to Eat?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: eating disorder, emotional manipulation, body shaming

Original Post: February 17, 2025

First, I want to be clear that I do not believe in body-shaming or food policing. Having lost 100 lbs myself and working on another 50,, I have no place to judge anyone for what they eat. I pride myself on being a generous host who makes my guests comfortable and feeds them well. Nobody leaves my house hungry has always been my rule.

The problem: I have a friend group who meets monthly at either my or "Joan's" home for dinner (nobody else has enough space to host). Recently, "Polly" announced she had a girlfriend, which made us all happy. Polly has been lonely for a long time.

I was the first to host "Melissa." Melissa is 500-600 lbs. I've never met anyone that big, but I hid my surprise and was warm and welcoming. No problem; I have sturdy furniture.

For dinner, I served bowls of salad, then soup. Melissa insisted on keeping her empty bowls at the table. I didn't think much of it; I'm not Emily Post. Then I brought out the main course, two 9X13 pans of 14-layer lasagna, cut into 8 pieces each. There were 10 of us altogether. I told people to dig in as I got the bread out of the oven. When I got back to the dining room, everyone looked so shocked I thought my cat had farted (his mouse farts could suffocate an elephant). Then I saw that Melissa had four pieces of lasagna heaped on her plate, two in her salad bowl, and two in her soup bowl. Polly was glaring like "don't you dare say a word." Melissa seemed utterly oblivious. I didn't know what to do. I just sat down.

Joan and I shared one piece of lasagna, and everyone else got a full piece. I cut the cake into equal portions for dessert, but I had to make an extra batch of sauce and get an extra tub of ice cream out. Melissa ate at least a litre.

The next month, on Joan's turn, she served every course pre-plated, and when Melissa asked for extra, Joan apologized and said there was none (truth; Joan is very organized and precise). Melissa and Polly left right after dinner, and Polly texted Joan, berating her for "controlling" Melissa's eating. Polly also texted me saying she trusted I'd be sensitive to Melissa's needs on my next turn.

That turn is almost here. My plan was roast dinner (pork and beef). I can easily make lots of cheap veg and dessert, but meat is pricey right now, and I'd have to serve twice the norm to satisfy Melissa. I know I cannot just trust she'll take a tenth of what's there, considering she grabbed a whole lasagna last time.. So do I suck it up and just buy much larger roasts? Do I make a few big batches of cheap soup and biscuits and serve that rather than strain my budget? I don't want to upset Melissa or be a stingy host, but I have never dealt with someone like this before. I was obese, but I would have eaten maybe 2 pieces of lasagna. Not 8. Do I just serve a reasonable-sized meal and tell Polly and Melissa "sorry, that's all I have"?

AITAH if I serve less food than I know my guests will want?

Edited to add... everyone in the group who doesn't cook (so 7 people before Melissa joined) chips in $25 per meal to whoever hosts. That, until inflation got so bad, covered enough of the food cost to make it feasible. Joan and I have both been simplifying our menus a bit to deal with rising costs, but the idea is to give ourselves and our friends a night off from the humdrum world and pretend we live glamorous, elegant lives. We use fine china and dress nicely and play classical music. Right before Melissa, I was going to ask if we could increase the chip-in to $30 a plate. I have the most resources out of anyone in the group, and I can afford to go out-of-pocket a bit more than Joan. None of the rest have the money, space, or culinary skills to put this together. Joan and I can cook like Julia Child. We are a ragtag lot with a variety of neurodivergences and mental health issues. These meals give us something special to look forward to.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP clarifies the details on how deep the 14 layer lasagna is

OOP: About 6 inches. Beef sauce,, pasta, ricotta/parm old white cheddar, pasta, lamb sauce,, pasta, ricotta/parm old white cheddar, pasta, veal sauce, pasta, ricotta/parm/old white cheddar, pasta, a mix of the three meat sauces, then fresh and smoked mozzarella. It takes three days. First day, you make the sauces and let them sit overnight for flavours to mingle. You build the lasagnas the next day and let them sit overnight (wrapped in plastic so nothing dries out), which lets the flavours mingle, then bake them the next day. For the first hour and a half, you bake without the final cheese layer on, with the pans tightly covered in foil. Then you add the final cheese layer, tent the edges in foil so they don't dry or burn, and bake the second hour and a half. I found a convection oven works best to ensure it bakes all the way through. You want the full recipe?

OOP needs to get a strong backbone and set up the boundaries

OOP: Thank you. I really do lack a spine. In my defence, my cultural background dictates that you feed your guests all they want, and I do have some sympathy for Melissa. But this is an insanely extreme situation. I don't think even Dutch people would tolerate one person eating half of a meal for 10 and letting the other 9 split the second half. I'm messaging with Joan, and we have messaged the others in the group (not Polly or Melissa) for their opinions. I know that nobody is impressed with Melissa's eating. Most of them have more backbone than me.

Commenter 1: NTA I’d absolutely pre-plate the meal. I’d also go one further tho and tell Polly straight out that Melissa’s behavior was rude and unacceptable at a dinner party. And if she did it again- I’d say something- YES, in front of everyone.

Truly though…i wouldn’t invite Polly and Melissa anymore, and I’d be honest about why.

OOP: Polly sees Melissa's issues as an illness/disability she cannot control, so we need to accept and accommodate. That's how I was seeing it, when I wrote the post. I have anxiety problems and people accommodate me. But what people are saying here is making me think that there is more premeditation and manipulation involved. Polly has been so lonely for so long I think she'll put up with anything now that she has someone. And Polly knows that I have compassion for obesity (she supported me through my struggles, helped take care of me during my recovery from bariatric surgery, etc.). She's usually a kindhearted person. But she's enabling Melissa into unacceptable behaviour like someone excuses an alcoholic drinking up all of someone else's booze.

Yes, we have to do something. Joan and I are waiting on input from the rest of the group, and I want to discuss it with my parents because my mum is really good at etiquette and my dad is a semi-retired crisis counsellor. And, you know, they do help finance my parties. (I'm not a freeloader; I pay room and board, do the cleaning so my arthritic mum doesn't have to, and I help take care of my extremely elderly grandmother... the living situation works well, and I have the emotional support I need when my anxiety gets out of control). No judgment, please. I'm just not a person who does well living on my own. Several of my cousins are arguing over who gets to take me in when my parents get too old. They all want me to cook for them.

OOP should consider about pre-plating to make it fair and square

OOP: Everyone has different preferences and appetites, so pre-plating isn't ideal. Joan, who is so brilliant and organized, can usually get it right. I, who have had bariatric surgery, eat way less than most, but I stick to protein and veg and pass on most carbs except dessert and pasta. I love lots of sauce on anything. Jack is a big guy with a physical job, and he needs a big plateful to keep fuelled, but he hates sauces on anything but pasta. He eats about four times what I do. Polly prefers mostly carbs. Joan can keep it all straight. I can't.

I don't think the others will keep coming unless Melissa agrees to eat reasonably. A tenth of what's on the table for ten people, not half. The others are too uncomfortable, even if Melissa were to pay for everything she ate. I found it weirdly interesting to watch a human eat so much, but I get why others couldn't handle it. It's an unnatural addiction behaviour, and that's hard for some to watch. I hate watching people get drunk. This is fundamentally the same, I think.

OOP explains about her dinner group / guests and how she prepares the food for everyone

OOP: There are two other long-term couples in the group of 9. Polly and Melissa are the third couple, and Melissa brought our number to 10. The rest of us are chronically single. We are... misfits. I very carefully cultivated this group, choosing people I genuinely...

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