this post was submitted on 10 Jun 2025
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Decades ago, I knew a person that was in a group of swingers. What she said rang true then as it does today. She said, they're tons of people out there for everyone, It's just usually not the people that they want to be with.
Everybody's punching up. Evolutionary pressure makes us want to find the best mate and only accept advantageous proposals.
The diversity in preferences makes "up" impossible to define and order consistently between people. If you take a survey of a population for an ordered ranking, in desire ability as potential spouses, of a particular sample set, you might get wildly different rankings.
And then those same people might rank things differently depending on who they would most want to have a one night stand with.
Even laying out specific physical characteristics and asking about attractiveness will get those isolated features ranked differently. Heterosexual men will disagree on whether it is attractive, unattractive or neutral for a woman to be:
We're all just looking for compatibility. What that means will vary from person to person, and what is very attractive to one person might be a huge turn off to another.
I'm generally of the view that you want to be with someone whose unique traits are positive to you, and who sees your unique traits as positives, too. That way both can fall within that stable equilibrium of both believing that they've married "up."