It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
Forgive me if I misread. But this was a breakup from a long time relationship?
It was, I phrased it in a way that now I realize sounds like she died, but actually she left me for a guy who is the complete opposite of me in every possible way from visually to mentally.
I can see why that is hammering you so hard. Death suck for sure, but someone living, who is making new experiences without you, that's a special kind of torture.
You might want someone to hold onto your firearms for you for a bit, but you will heal eventually and move on. Our brains are amazing that way. Be well brother.