It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
Did you have any hobbies/interests before you met her that you let lapse? Rekindle them. That will bring you back to times before you were with her and maybe redirect you towards something that helps you move on.
That, and time.
Every time I try I can't focus on any of it, I just sit there staring blankly and usually end up just going to bed or rotting my brain with more YouTube to try and distract me (it doesn't really work).
The hole will be there for a while. And that’s okay. Don’t think those emotions should be forced away, or aren’t valid. Give them time. But try to step outside your own head for a little bit each day. Stop and force yourself to really notice something, whether it’s as big as a beautiful sunset, or as small as a butterfly. Going places like the woods, or parks, where you have a higher chance of encountering this stuff, helps.
It’s all too easy to fall into yourself in situations like this, and when that happens you run the risk of getting stuck like that. When your world becomes that small, it’s hard to see things in perspective.
If it helps, I’ve found paper books more distracting than YouTube. Physical thing where I have to hold it, feel the weight, turn the pages, and read the words seems to help a lot more than even an e-book.
I hate admitting this, but I absolutely struggle to read books, the last book I read was well over a decade ago. I read a lot of text, but in short form. My attention span is absolutely fucked and that's regardless of current depression. I was diagnosed and prescribed for ADHD but the meds made my depression so much worse amount l among other things, the AD and anti anxiety meds have been more helpful to me at least I can say.