this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2023
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It's way easier to accidentally misgender people you know than it is for a stranger. I sometimes misgender or deadname my sister because I've known her as a him with a different name way longer, and sometimes my brain just resets to factory default.
Yup, I've been there.
A friend of mine from the first job I had after high school transitioned maybe ten years ago (a time gap of about twenty years).
She would get pissed that I would deadname her, and sometimes use the wrong pronouns, partially because I would meet other trans people through her and never fuck up. I kept apologizing, and explained that it isn't intentional, it's just decades of brain patterns being laid down with the old name. It took me damn near five years to totally switch over without an occasional fuckup.
It's a thing, it turns out. Even the most supportive, staunch allies have trouble switching those patterns because they're kinda etched into the brain. It happens when people make other name changes too. Happens with titles after promotions, with surnames after marriage, or just random name changes for personal preference. Name changes during transition aren't any different in the amount of time it takes to switch gears.
Doesn't really make it any easier for the trans person, of course, but at least it can help them to know it isn't intentional.
Hell, I have friends who have changed their names for non-transy reasons. I just kinda suck with names to begin with, so it takes a minute for their names to click so I don't accidentally deadname Becky (yeah I wonder why she goes by her middle name now) and some of my other friends I've known since we were knee high to a grasshopper. Hell, one's my cousin and it can take me ten minutes to remember which variation of his name he's using this decade. It's kind of easier to remember my trans friends' new names because (at least with my friends specifically) their name change coincided with a look change and I'm a very visual person.
"which name they're going by this decade"
It's boggles my mind some folks (not that you did) bring this up as a refutation of some sort. A habitual Thanksgiving guest has been figuring some stuff out for a while. I couldn't care less what they go by, except in so far as I hope it makes them happy. Like I guess I'd be happy to see it consistent because that means that person found something they're extra comfy in, but in meantime you do you... And please pass the gravy... And also what did you think about starfield... Only reason we need to talk about it is if you need someone to talk to.
You're a little oversensitive to someone sharing their internal process. Some of us suck with names. If you can't deal with being called the wrong name sometimes, maybe you don't belong in society.
Fair enough. That's because I'll admit it's not something that makes a ton of sense to me; I've always felt pretty comfy in my own skin. On the other hand, I certainly have felt unwelcome, and wouldn't want someone to feel that way. So it's nice to hear whats going on in other peoples heads.
Yeah, people gonna fuck up. Imo, better to assume mistake than malice
Haven't really had to deal with this much, but getting immediate family member's name correct the first time is a challenge for me even when they've always had the same name. If their names start with the same letter, their names may get mixed up often...