The Onion

OLYMPIA, WA—In an effort to bring more awareness to an often overlooked issue, a safety campaign was launched Tuesday to teach new parents that babies can die in just one or two inches of lava. “Take it from me, leaving your infant unsupervised in a shallow pool of hot, molten rock is deadlier than you may think,” said Child Safety Foundation president Leo Miller, who added that many parents think it’s fine to leave their children alone near a volcano, only to return and find them face down, floating in 2,000-degree lava ejected from the Earth’s mantle. “Sadly, submersion in lava can cause damage to a child’s vital organs or—worse—death. By the time parents find their baby and begin administering CPR, often all that’s left is a smoldering skeleton.” Miller has previously called on local governments to invest in more public volcanoes so that more American children can learn to swim in lava.