Have you considered drugs? Maybe a prescription to some anti depression meds or maybe just some magic mushrooms. I hope that your life becomes more tolerable and you can find some kind of balance.

then let me correct my previous comment. i hope you will find happiness! i know how bad it feels, so i wish you with my full hearth that you will be happy! you deserve it, never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Honestly I’ve never felt happy to start with.

I have family members who have struggled with anger and depression. In my limited sample, the ones who have never been happy have had chemical imbalances, and most of the issues went away when their chemical systems were managed. If you haven't spoken with a doctor about it, you should really consider it. There isn't a lot to lose, and there's an awful lot to gain.

Whatever you decide, good luck and I hope you can find some inner peace.

This reminded me of my first time using mushrooms. I realized I had never known love or peace.

I dunno if respect from online strangers does anything for you, but you have mine. Takes some maturity to get to the point where you are.

I am curious about how you perceive various things, since this kind of thinking is a bit foreign to me, but a public forum is likely not the best place to dive in. I am curious about what kinds of things you find satisfying, what you imagine happiness to be like, what kinds of things you desire, etc. General human condition kind of things.

I imagine that lots of people feel like you do, but we, as a society, don't understand it yet. I think if we did, we could make progress. Maybe I'm too idealistic, i dunno