this post was submitted on 23 Jan 2024
39 points (89.8% liked)

Relationship Advice

2531 readers
1 users here now

Welcome to the Relationship Advice community on Lemmy and Kbin!

The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.

Please make sure you read our rules before posting.

Rules:

Rules can be clicked on to be expanded.

1: Treat all users with respect. [!]

The goal of this community is helping OP and readers, not making fun of them. We are an inclusive community, any sort of disrespect towards ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, etc, will not be tolerated.

2: Mark sexual content as NSFW. [!]

Posts containing mentions or descriptions of sexual topics must be tagged as NSFW. This includes descriptions of sexual acts, requests for advice in the bedroom, explicit descriptions of your body and similar content.

3: All posts must be a request for advice.

All posts must be phrased as a request for advice or as a question. Sharing of stories, personal anecdotes, or past mistakes are only allowed if they're followed by a clear and relevant request for advice with the situation.

4: Provide sufficient and relevant information.

Your title and body need to contain enough information relevant to your situation, such as ages, genders, and the relationship between people mentioned. For privacy-related concerns, we recommend using fake names and broad general locations.

5: Comments must be on topic and relevant to OP.

Comments must be directly related to helping OP, asking for more information, providing relevant resources or otherwise relevant to the thread. Off-topic comments and remarks, suspicious attempts at gathering personal data from OP or other readers, or bullying will not be tolerated.

6: This is a community for requesting advice, not moral judgement.

Moral judgements, "AITA?" and other similar questions are better served by different communities.

Reddit reposts are allowed.

As a temporary measure and the result of a poll, Reddit reposts are allowed following an expanded set of rules: https://lemmy.world/post/317115

How are rules enforced and bans applied?

For the most part, this community operates under the assumption that users are acting in good faith and should be given second-chances for their mistakes. Posts and comments with very light rule violations, or otherwise undesired but mostly harmless content, can be removed by a moderator on a case by case basis without any further punitive actions.

For violations of our rules, we follow a “3 strike” system as follows:

  • 1st violation: 72 hours ban + moderator warning via PMs.

  • 2nd violation: 1 week ~ 1 month ban + final warning via PMs.

  • 3rd violation: 1 month ~ permanent ban.

The goal of this system is making sure users are made aware of their behavior before being permanently banned, but also protecting the community from any rule violations.

Exceptions:

While the “3 strike” system will be applied to the majority of situations, rules marked with a [!] in the sidebar signifies a rule that, if violated in an intentional, malicious or significant way, can warrant an immediate permanent ban regardless of the number of previous violations. This includes severe disrespect to users or groups, dangerous content, and similar.

Related communities:

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
kadu@lemmy.world
39
How do you say you want a divorce? (lemmy.world)
submitted 9 months ago by Suck_on_my_Presence@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
22 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I'm really stuck. I've been unhappy for years and we've done couple's therapy and tried to reconnect, but it's just not enough.

I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can't see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don't know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they've been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they're done for. They can't pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don't know if that's because they're still so attached to me or if it's the fear of having to make it on their own.

How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn't seem like something I could possibly do... but I can't stay here, I'm withering away.

Help?

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] donuts@kbin.social 15 points 9 months ago

They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.

It sounds like they might feel just as stuck as you feel. What if they are also unhappy in the relationship, but are only holding it together and going through the motions so that they can continue to rely on you financially? How can that kind of situation ever lead to anything resembling a happy and healthy relationship?

But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.

I think the big problem here is that you're both treating your partner as a dependent; someone you are responsible for taking care of, not an equal adult with their own responsibilities.

If you leave, they aren't "done for", they just have to grow up and live in the adult world with the rest of us, doing what needs to be done to support themselves like we all do. They slacked off in college, they have remained unemployed and now have a sort of crappy job, it's certainly not ideal, but it's survivable and ultimately not your fault. So, yeah, you both might mean finding a new place to live, finding a roommate, moving back in with family, or whatever, but that's life. If anything, maybe being put in that situation will be the incentive that they need to better themself and take less for granted?