I need some relationship advice. I suggested 125% but my wife won't budge from 10%. Is this normal? How did it go when you had this conversation with your romantic partner?

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[–] MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca 7 points 9 months ago (3 children)

This is a stupid measure. I say that because every person I've dated, which isn't a short list, puts their best foot forward when they start seeing someone. For some, that's just who they are, they stay consistent, but IMO, this is rare.

For most, the "mask falls off" at some point and you get to see the seedy underbelly of who they are. All the "warts" in their lifestyle, personality, decision-making etc. Usually after you're committed to a relationship with them and they get more conformable.

This, in and of itself, denotes a certain uncertainty in dating. The person you meet is not the person you will end up with after a few years. I recognized this in myself and decided for myself not to do it. There's still parts of my personality I kind of restrain in spite of this policy because some of my darker humor can be rather off putting on the first take, and usually makes a bad impression if said so early into knowing someone that they don't take it as a joke, which it was intended to be. It doesn't help that I usually joke about things very deadpan, so new people tend to doubt when I say "it's a joke" and jump to the conclusion that I'm just saying that because I'm trying to save face. Which I'm not, but that's another matter.

My point is, even for me, you don't meet the person, you meet their idealized view of what they want you to know of them. So someone who seems 10%/25%/125% better than your current partner, isn't really a valid comparison. You're comparing someone who you know their "ugly" side, to someone who you have only met their representative personality. Their % "better" may be artificially inflated because you don't have the whole picture.

The other issue I have here is that while he's correct that "not everyone sees marriage like that" or whatever, they should. Marriage is a vow. A vow is simply a commitment to uphold into the future, regardless of circumstances. During a wedding ceremony, you vow, before your friends, family, the officiant (a legal representative) and God (if you believe in such a thing), that you will love, cherish, have, hold, another person, in sickness, health, good times and bad, until you die. You're making a very serious promise to do those things forever until your death, in front of everyone you hold dear.

Divorce breaks that promise, and a legally binding contract.

Personally, I couldn't give any shits if others break their word with their marriage vows/contract, but the purpose of the vows is clear. This is a promise that should not be broken, and can only be terminated by death. Vows are supposed to be the highest form of a promise, one which cannot be broken. But people do it.

That's the theory at least....

People's misunderstanding of what that means, IMO, is mainly a lack of being educated on what the words are spelling out. People don't take vows anymore except in marriage. It's fallen out of fashion to commit yourself to something with a vow. Because of the relative scarcity of such vows, they're only used in marriage now and the misunderstandings of what a vow should represent is staggering. The only other person's who take vows in the current era are doctors. They take the Hippocratic oath, which is, in essence, a vow to "do no harm", yet, it can easily be argued that harm is actively inflicted during every medical procedure. Whether placing an IV, taking blood, or doing surgery, you're actively harming your patients; but it's generally understood that such things are a requirement to help people. It's still committing harm for the benefit of the patient, but it is harm nonetheless.

I'll step away from that aside since it's not relevant to the core point, that all of these comments made in the image posted by OP are a demonstration of this fundamentally short sighted thinking and poor understanding of the commitments you make.

[–] ramones@lemmy.world 2 points 9 months ago (2 children)

I really like your view on this, I've had rare occasions where I'm contemplating whether I want to live the rest of my life with this person. I've felt bad about it before because it feels very dishonest, but I will always fall back to the fact that the person in question is a step down relatively speaking and doesn't make sense to end my healthy current relationship. Being open about that is hard, because you feel like an ass even contemplating ending a relationship.

[–] MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca 1 points 9 months ago (1 children)

As someone once said, happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you've got.

Unless there's a significant and unresolvable issue between you and your current SO, that is ongoing, it is probably the better choice to stay.

I'll give an example: My college gf, who we will call Jen, because that was her name, lived with my midway through college, and we got along line peas in a pod, except for one thing. She was highly religious. Her belief was some form of Christian, I'm somewhere between a spiritualist/agnostic and atheist. My view is mostly live and let live on such matters. I frankly don't care whether anyone has faith; the only time it's an issue is when I'm preached to, that my beliefs are wrong or whatever and that God wants me to blah blah blah whatever. That's my line. She wasn't the preachy type, so I never had a problem with the arrangement. She, however, continually had little crisis attacks about it. Worrying over my soul or whatever, she was clear that according to her faith, I would be going to hell. For me, this poses no issue. I couldn't care less what get faith thinks of what will happen to me after death. So I'm unbothered. However this concerned her greatly. It was raised time and time again, and I could feel more and more resentment of her faith, every time it did, but I'm not the sort to either be preached at, nor preach to anyone about what they believe. I didn't make efforts to dissuade her of her faith.

It was literally the only thing we ever fought about.

What ended the relationship can be summarized by one statement she made to me near the end of the relationship. I don't remember the exact wording, but it was along the lines of "I don't want to be with someone, if I can't spend eternity with them in heaven [after we die]". To me, that was the nail in the coffin that solidified the fact that this was an irreconcilable difference and the relationship would not survive. I would not capitulate to being a part of a religion I genuinely did not believe in, and she would not compromise that stated objective, and so we were at an impasse that could not ever be resolved.

She's a lovely girl. Like anyone, Jen had/has her problems, but they were far outweighed by her demeanor, care for others, consideration... Just everything about her was fantastic. Any other issues she had were very minor to me, and I hope she makes someone (who is of the same faith as her) very happy some day, and in turn, leads a very joyous life.

I still have a lot of love for her, even now, though in more of a friendship kind of way ("agape" love, if you will), and I will always think of her and wish her a happy life.

For me, I went on and found a very nice and lovely young lady, who shares a lot of the same traits, but in a different way, and also has more compatible religious views. (Not that young, it's only a 6 year difference... I just don't want that to come across wrong. Heh).

We've been together now for... Gosh, seven years? Or something? It's never been a big priority for either of us to track anniversaries or anything, so I lose all sense of how long we've been together. It feels like she's always been a part of me and right now, I can't see myself ever leaving, and she feels much the same. We address issues head on with discussion as it becomes relevant, and we do not scream/yell/fight the same way most couples do. We deliberate, disagree, discuss productively. We even have agreed to disagree on things, but even that form of "fighting" is rare. Neither of us is so picky that anything becomes such an important matter to get angry about it. I'm very happy, and even if Jen were to reverse her decision and want a relationship, I would say no. That ship has sailed, I'm happy where I am and even with all the love I still have for Jen, I will not sacrifice my current relationship, nor would I hurt my current SO like that. I'll be her friend, nothing more.

That situation may be compounded by the fact that my name and my current SO's name are on the mortgage and deed for our home. Ha. Not the only reason, and certainly not the most significant reason, but still. We're in this together and nothing can undo the bond I share with my SO. A ring will be appearing in the near future when finances allow for it.

The point of all of this is to demonstrate that there are irreconcilable differences that should be recognised, and with Jen, it took upwards of a year for that to surface and longer to become such an issue, that we parted ways. When you know that no such difference exists, then the relationship is worth trying to keep.

At the same time, if you're so dissatisfied with the relationship that you're entertaining the thought of finding a different mate, then I would advise that you examine why you feel that way and address that, with professional help if required. Being true to yourself and genuine with your partner is the only way to "make it work". If there's something that is leaving you wanting more, then you either have to adjust your expectations, or they will have to step up to meet your needs, or you'll need to find someone who will. It's not uncommon that you'll simply need to find someone better suited for you than your current partner. It happens, and it's not necessarily a bad thing to move on. Simply: over time that lack of whatever you need to feel satisfied, will evolve into resentment of your partner and lead to both of you being unhappy. That's unfair to you and them. So if you're dissatisfied and you are unable to change how you feel through adjusting your expectations, and they cannot commit to change long term, then it's time to leave and find someone who will meet your needs. It's unfair to drag someone through the pain and arguing surrounding those feelings of resentment that will inevitably follow; both to them, and to you.

The right choice will be very personal. Nobody can make that choice but you. It sucks, in the moment, but long term, you'll both be better off.

I was happy to make it work with Jen, she was unable to accept me for who I was. I went through that with her. It ended things. I'm better off and I hope she is too.

All the best Jen. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I hope you're happy and healthy. You'll always hold a special place in my heart and I will always care for you deeply. I wish we could have stayed friends, but you determined that was not what was best for you. I hope it helped.

[–] ramones@lemmy.world 2 points 9 months ago

Wow, I did not expect such an extensive vent. I feel really grateful to read that chapter of your life though. Coincidentally this is very relatable for me, as my current partner is also religious. I've often asked before whether she's okay with me not believing in god and she's always been chill about it. It feels nice that we haven't found any major differences between us (ofcourse that can still happen at any time).

As for the dissatisfaction part, I'm not sure why it's happened in the past. Maybe the thrill of a new partner sounds exciting in the moment. I'm definitely not dissatisfied with anything in my current relationship though, except maybe the lack of seeing each other since we've been very busy this period in time.

Relationships are hard nonetheless. I've opened up to her about having thoughts about it once, and she told me she's never experienced something like that. I'm in my early 20's, so I'm just hoping this is something that fades over time. The last thing I want in life is to hurt her.

Im really glad to hear that your relationship currently is doing good, and 7 years does seem like quite a while. Wishing you the best man.