Please read post for full context; any help or input is appreciated! I disclosed sensitive info to a close female coworker (let's say Ann), who is best friends with the male coworker mentioned (Ned). I'm sure she told him, but then they both seemed to want me to still tell him directly. I did because I believe in doing the right thing, and Ann also was a huge help for something relating to my info, even though I strongly did not want this secret to spread. Ned kept it secret; however, I detest how he started feeling like he had the upper hand and could manipulate me like a puppet to do stupid intern shit for him like repeatedly printing files, including evenings and even attempted to reach me on the weekend by text. I ignored and replied from my work email the next Monday. I could see in his eyes that he had romantic thoughts about me which is largely what made all of this sickening. Ann also went behind my back to tell my private business to one of our other coworkers, who is extremely judgmental and tough on people, and even he did not exploit it - leading us to actually become much closer and respect each other.
What pissed me off the most was when Ned - and Ann - ganged up and tried coercing me into letting him drop me off at home on a Saturday night after I reluctantly made sacrifices in my schedule to meet with them two - choosing to ignore my multiple clear "NO" about the ride as I preferred public transportation. I was having a panic attack in his car while they just relentlessly and repeatedly egged me on, thinking they could break me. They finally let up after going back and forth, and I went home by public transpo.
Ned went to a different team so we didn't talk for months. I then updated everyone in a mass email about my leaving the overall group, and that's when he called. Again, he waited until evening - after work hours - to call me. I instantly feel disgusted as it took me back to that traumatic experience. Why can't he just get the hint and drop it? I did not reach out to him directly to update him, even though it is related to the original sensitive info, because I do not want to talk or encourage anything! I do not want to keep in touch with someone who completely disregarded my preferences and basically nearly kidnapped me. I have no interest in him platonically, romantically, or professionally. Should I call back, text, email from my soon-to-expire work address, email from my personal address, or ignore him? I'm afraid it'll still bug me if I ignore. I also want to be on good terms with Ann (she has some connections where I'm heading to and I fear she'll retaliate), even if she doesn't understand what went wrong and no one has apologized since that incident.
Your interpretation of someone’s look is not their opinion. Apparently he was treating you like crap at work, so I’d guess that wasn’t his intent.
It’s sounds like everyone involved is pretty dramatic.
You've never been at the tender mercies of a man who thinks you're hot and holds a position of power over you, have you?
I don’t think that’s what’s going on here.
I dont think you're qualified to give an opinion.
What would make me qualified?
Being less of a misogynist, having any experiences that involve antagonistic sexual harassment in a similar context, studying gender relations in an academic way?
What was the sexual harassment here?
I will say while the harassment wasn't in the sense of bossman asking for a quickie in his office - the harassment was clear with sexual undertone. For more context, we went on a work trip where it was supposed to be all 3 of us there overnight. Ann bailed (no surprise there), so I was forced to be there with Ned. I wanted to go to a cheaper hotel and made it clear I was content staying there myself while he went elsewhere, and Ned kept pressuring me to get this fancy hotel, same one as him. He rented this bright colored trendy car (not the norm for business trips) and said he thought it would look better/more impressive. I instantly thought "Who cares? We are here for work." It clearly wasn't for the client because he purposefully parked far away so they wouldn't see (suspicious in and of itself). He wanted me to go to dinner (with his friend, but still) and randomly claimed he forgot to pack the most essential things and wanted me to go to not one, but two, stores with him. I was so pissed when he kept pressuring me to order a more expensive dish to share and got upset when I didn't. We got back to the hotel around 10:30pm or even later. Constantly cracking dumb jokes trying to make me laugh. So yes I think the look in his eye wasn't innocent warmth and longing. I sat in that car and went with his shenanigans because it was a work trip. Some people might be ok with this shit. I'm not some people. As for dramatic, I'll take it over keeping silent over this misogynistic treatment that has no place in any community.
I see absolutely no inappropriate behavior suggesting misogyny. Splurge on a cool hotel and a fun rental car. Had to run to the store because he forgot stuff. Invited you out to a work dinner because that’s what people do. Told you to live a little and get the shrimp cocktail. Cracked dumb jokes to lighted the mood.
Did he touch you? Did he ask you to go to his hotel ROOM? Did he suggest you go home with his friend?
Ned sounds like a good time tbh. Work trips are boring. Let’s all go get drunk and talk shit about Ann, then drive to the beach the next morning in a flashy car and forget we have such boring Honda civics at home.
I’m really curious what you consider a flashy car. Make and model?
Jesus. It’s so very clear you don’t have perspective here. You can make a lot of inappropriate behavior sound completely innocent like you have here.
You’re a stranger, who doesn’t know any of these people. We only have this young woman’s story to go on, and she’s saying she was made to feel uncomfortable. This person wasn’t taking this woman’s boundaries into consideration at all. No matter anyone’s gender, that is not okay. But add into that the fact that it was an older man and a younger woman? Gross. No.
You’re being an asshole…for, like, no reason. A woman lives a very different reality than you do. You have no frame of reference for things like this, yet you are just so sure that you and “Ned” are in the right.
How people like you exist in 2024 is a mystery. A depressing mystery, but a mystery nonetheless.
Right. We only have her story… that explains that she was uncomfortable… which is valid… but never once says anything bad about this guy.
I’d be all about supporting her it if she’d actually say something that was inappropriate behavior. He rented a flashy car? Tha fuck?
She told you this older man was not taking her insistence on sleeping somewhere different than he was as an answer. He wouldn’t take her insistence on not sharing food with him for an answer. He keeps insisting on breaking the professional barrier and contacting her on her personal phone at night. When she responded the next day via work email, he did it again. When she made her boundaries known, he refused to accept them and started acting as if he were upset with her.
Holy shit. How can you not see how wrong this guy is? And you’ve never been able to tell when someone is clearly trying to flirt/express attraction in you? Maybe that’s never happened to you. But it’s a not so subtle change in behavior, and she noticed it.
This man took personal information he wasn’t supposed to know about her, and tried to talk to her about it—again, outside of company time and through personal means.
If you don’t see what’s wrong with it, you don’t want to. And I’m scared to know how you’ve treated people.
He just sounds like a jerk. That’s… all…
I’m glad they’re both rid of each other
Oh now he sounds like a jerk? I thpught “Ned sounds like a fun time?”
Dinner, fun rental car, zero sexual harassment, yeah. Fun, kind of a jerk. He can be both.
It sounds like OP is inventing ideas. Also, don’t need your points. Blocked.