askchapo

I’m a trans woman in her mid-30s. My path to self discovery was a long one. My egg cracked at 32. I considered myself non-binary for about three years prior to it. That is the first time in my entire life that I actually put any thought into my gender. It honestly just boiled down to then that I didn’t fit any masculine gender roles. I really only fit feminine ones. Because I have terrible introspection, I simply left it at that and removed myself from any semblance of the gender binary. About a year after this, COVID dropped and I stayed in the house all the time, not leaving for a couple years aside from minor errands. During this time, I started to experiment with my gender expression. I started shaving my beard and I let my hair grow out. The clothes I wore around the house were far more colorful and I started to really lean into feminine aspects of life. I started to turn my online name into more feminine versions of what it was. Started to play female only characters in MMOs. After a while, dysphoria (as I now know it) ramped up hard. I always thought it was just body dysmorphia, but I later started to understand it was just classic dysphoria. I couldn’t stand having an unshaven face anymore. I became distraught at the idea of cutting my now long hair. And…then I would start screaming at myself in the mirror. I would always yell, “Who are you?” After a long time of this, I started to understand that I was trans, but simply refused to accept it because I didn’t want to be a “special snowflake” and have my family and friends scrutinize everything about my life and my past.

Then at Anthrocon one year, I had commissioned an artist for a badge. At first, I requested a feminine version of my already created fursona, but I returned shortly thereafter and requested just a female version instead. The next day, I waited until near closing time of the Dealer’s Den to pick up the badge. I was terrified. I knew it would change my life, but it was still a scary notion. After working up the courage, I picked it up. I took one look at it and it shattered my world. I just sat there in the middle of a crowd and started bawling. And since that very moment in my life, I realized that I was a trans woman. (Also, if you want to see the badge, j posted it like three days ago or something)

And you know what? Ever since I started on my journey to become the real me, I truly have experienced happiness in my life for the first time. Everything feels correct. I don’t feel like I have this chaotic background noise in my thoughts or my actions anymore. I recently had bottom surgery and it really magnified both of those by probably 100x. Truly truly has all of it saved my life. I genuinely don’t think I’d be here today if I didn’t do all of it.

This is just my journey. There’s a lot more to it (such as seeing all the obvious eggy shit I did my entire life) but it would make this already wall of text into too much. Everyone’s journey is different. You have to decide for yourself if being a woman is something that you desire, something that feels truly right for yourself. Your best bet is to do some heavy introspection and mull it over for some time. You will know if it is correct for you or not. Just remember that regardless of what you decide is right for yourself that you are valid, no matter what. That is something you should never ever forget.