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my wife is pregnant and all I feel is worried (lemmy.world)

submitted 5 months ago by philthi@lemmy.world to c/dadsonly@lemmy.world

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Hello dads,

I'll be a dad myself shortly, and it's entirely planned, we discussed the idea and then worked towards making it happen. My wife is over the moon and loving the whole process and I'm struggling to see it as a positive change. All I'm seeing is more bills and tasks.

I want to be excited and enthusiastic during the pregnancy (and of course afterwards) but I'm struggling to see this as a positive change for our next - at least - 5 years.

It's causing some stress between my wife and I, when really I'd much prefer we were bonding now in preparation for the stress our relationship is going to need to endure after the baby arrives.

I guess this is partly just venting, I feel like anyone I know that I might say this to, would think I'm a bad person considering it was entirely planned and now I'm not feeling it after its too late to undo, but if anyone has some ideas on how I can focus more on the positives (I do see them... watching their personality growing, seeing the world from their fresh perspective, a sense of investment in the future, etc. I just struggle to focus on them) of this and less on the incoming bills and sleepless night and relationship stress, so my wife and I can bond, it'd mean a lot to me.

I'm also concerned that I'm seeing the baby as a problem instead of a... Source of joy? and that this might mean I don't really have a natural parental instinct, so I won't love it like I should, but instead see it as a series of chores and costs and problems.

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[–] Everythingispenguins@lemmy.world 0 points 5 months ago

Hey not a dad so feel free to take what I am saying with a grain of salt.

First you are not a bad person and you are not getting cold feet. You are feeling overwhelmed, because you are.

A few things that might help you understand this better.

It is important to remember that hormonal change in women during pregnancy makes it almost impossible for them to not be excited and do the nesting thing. There is a hormone called oxytocin that makes this happen (there are more too). Oxytocin is often called the love drug because it helps with bonding. It will increase during pregnancy and here is a big rush during birth too. That makes the mom bond with her child. If this didn't happen all new mammalian moms would just leave or kill their babies.

As a guy you may not be getting that. Sometime guys will have similar hormonal changes by being near a pregnant woman, sometimes not.

This is definitely part of the disconnect between you and your wife. She feels like she is gaining something and you feel like you are losing something. This should change. I have friends who are dads and they have told me they didn't get the attachment to their kid till they could see and hold it.

So every time you feel this way just kind of remind yourself that this is not permanent.

Second is seriously considering going to the doctor and explaining all. This they may recommend a low dose anti depressions or something for the short term. There are some that even help you with sleep. This will not make you a "failure." Instead it is proof that you are willing to admit that in order to meet your family needs and to be the man you know you are. You need a little help. It is one of the strongest things a man can do. Families don't need a tough man that never needs help. They need a man who can be humble enough to know when they need help.

Plus this could be something that might really help your wife after birth. It is much more common than people realize for women to have severe postpartum depression. It is very common for women to hide this because they think they shouldn't be depressed. They think they should be happy because they have a baby now. Unfortunately it is not well understood, but there are a lot of extreme hormonal changes before, during, and after birth.

If your wife knows that you needed help. It is much more likely for her to ask for help if she needs it.

Best of luck to you I know you can figure this out. Just knowing this is a problem is the biggest hurdle.

Hopefully some real dads respond and give you real advice.