This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-07-01 15:09:07+00:00.
I am not OOP. That is u/Fearless_Hornet_5302 and they posted on r/AITAH
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.
Mood Spoiler: Ending is pretty unresolved and unhappy for OOP for now
AITAH for not forgiving my dad for what he said? June 21, 2024
My dad (45M) is really into cars. His dad (my grandpa) is also into cars. My grandpa used to work in a mechanic shop and my dad learned to work on cars with him. They can talk for hours about different car models and engines and tell stories about cars they’ve worked on. I (17M) am not really into them. My dad tried to get me into fixing up cars with him but it just doesn’t click with me. I know basic stuff like how to change a tire or oil and how to jumpstart a battery because he taught me and I’m glad for it. But talking about cars and working on them for fun I’m just not into. I always thought my dad was okay with me not being a car guy.
Five months ago we got these new neighbors that moved next door. It’s a married couple and their nephew Mason (16M) lives with them. Mason and I go to school together. At first I helped show him around school until he got comfortable and made his own friends. He and I talk still but we don’t hang out. Mason is like my dad and grandpa. He’s obsessed with talking about cars and has a whole list of cars he wants to drive and own one day. He would come over with his aunt and uncle and a lot of times Mason and his uncle would hang out with my dad in the garage. Sometimes I’d be there too but usually it’s just them.
My dad usually works on his project car in the garage every other weekend for a couple hours. For Father’s Day this year he said he wanted to be able to work on his car all day uninterrupted, which my mom agreed too. Whenever he works on his car he leaves the garage door open. Mason has been coming by when my dad works on it for the past couple months and he talks to my dad and sometimes helps him out with smaller stuff related to the car. I don’t really care. My dad does other stuff with me. But on Sunday I went to go ask him something when he was in the garage with Mason. The door from the house to the garage was open and him and Mason were talking. I was waiting by the door for a chance to speak because I didn’t wanna interrupt their conversation. My dad was praising Mason for whatever he did. Mason said he had done that with his dad and my dad told Mason his dad would be proud of him. Then he said Mason is the kind of son that he wanted to have.
Idk why but that really fucking hurt to hear. I never thought that me not being into cars was an issue for my dad. I knew he still loved me but I guess it’s not enough. I didn’t say anything and just went back to my room. He doesn’t know that I know what he said. I’ve been ignoring him since then. I still answer him when he asks me questions or tells me to do something but I just don’t want to talk to him just because anymore. Him and my mom (43F) have asked me if something is wrong but I lie and say no. I thought they would just let it go but a few days ago I messed up and told my older sister (19F) what happened because she kept asking and now she’s not talking to my dad either and she’s being a lot meaner to him about it. But I made her promise not to tell anyone the reason so she’s keeping her word.
It’s really tense in our house right now. My parents keep asking us why we’re mad at our dad but neither of us are answering and idk I feel like maybe I should just let it go and go back to the way things were. I really don’t want to though when my dad is disappointed in who I am. AITAH if I don’t forgive my dad?
Relevant Comments:
“Dad, I get that you’re disappointed that I’m not into cars like you and grandpa. It’s just not my thing, but I do appreciate how you taught me the basics. But when I went to the garage to see you on Father’s Day, I heard you tell Mason that he was the kind of son you wanted/wished you had. Do you have any idea how hurtful that is? On Father’s Day I got to hear my dad tell someone else that they were the type of kid he wanted. So yeah. I’m hurt. You said it so casually. And on Father’s Day.”
NTA.
I think that if he mentions that it was Father's Day his dad will focus on that and the fact that it was Mason there messing with a car and not his OP, so it could get all like "Well if you had even tried maybe I wouldn't say it" and shit, the dad sounds like a AH, so maybe he should not give his dad that power.
The day the dad asked to be left ALONE to work on his car? Yeah why wouldn’t his son be there
It also struck me that the dad specifically asked to be left alone to work on his car uninterrupted on Fathers Day, but happily lets Mason interrupt him on Fathers Day and then drops the little gem about wanting a son like Mason. What an awful situation!
Many Redditors advised OOP to talk to either his mom, dad or both about the issue:
30 years ago in the heat of the moment, my dad yelled at me and called a lazy fat ass. It actually still comes up in my therapy sessions sometimes. The situation was simply that I didn't want to leave the living room when my mom's friends were coming over. I locked myself in my room for 2 days and refused to speak to him. When I opened the door he was devastated, he knew I was hurt and that his words were the cause.
He did what he could to make it right, but I still hear those words in my head sometimes. Telling him isn't going to make those words go away, but saying it and giving him a chance to hear how it made you feel is the only way you'll start the process of healing from it.
As others have mentioned it may have been said to make the neighbor feel better, but that doesn't excuse the hurt it caused. Holding it in will only make your feelings and emotions grow.
As in MANY relationships, lack of communication is the fatal error. It can't get better, your dad can't learn, until you tell him how hurt you are.
Have a family sit down, and have it out with him. CALMLY tell him what you heard, and how it made you feel. Ask your sister to not interject, as this is between you and your dad.
If you handle this like an adult, this should be a wake up call for your dad. If he refuses to acknowledge how hurt you are, then he would be past the point of forgiveness. Hopefully he will realize how strongly you feel about this.
Avoiding this discussion resolves nothing. It just pushes this issue down the road while your negative feelings continue to grow, until at some time not of your choosing you randomly explode like a volcano. Better to handle it sooner, in a controlled fashion.
NTA, but please tackle this issue directly, ASAP.
NTA for anything that you are feeling or not being able to forgive him.
However, you should probably give him the chance to apologize and make amends for hurting you. From what you described, you know he never wanted to hurt you this way. He cares, or he wouldn't be concerned about why you are upset. So, give him the chance to make it up to you. He might mess it up, you know him better than I do, but you will feel better about not being able to forgive him if he messes up again or doesn't feel the need to apologize/make amends.
If you don't feel comfortable taking it to him directly, start with your mom or request a session with a family therapist.
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dsvc05/aitah_for_not_forgiving_my_dad_for_what_he_said/