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My husband asked if I would be willing to care for his mother I said no, does this make me the asshole? (old.reddit.com)

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-07-03 15:43:18+00:00.

I am not OOP. OOP is u/financial_issueTRA and they posted on r/AITAH

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: infuriating

My husband asked if I would be willing to care for his mother I said no, does this make me the asshole? June 14, 2024

My husband of 16 years asked me if I would be willing to care for his mother, I told him no. My husband asked why not I told him the truth. We never got along, she has always been passive aggressive towards me. I have been told that it is a thing many Hispanic mothers do when no one is good enough for their child. We are civil towards one another that is the best we can do.

My husband even dared to bring up the fact that he supported me [Editor's Note: fully financially and emotionally per other comments] when I took care of my dad who had cancer. I told him the situations were different because he offered I did not ask, I also had other family members that were helping. He is an only child and has no one else so everything will mostly fall on my shoulders since he does work long hours we are talking sometimes 12 to 18 hour days. Last week alone he worked 84 hours.

I told him I understand it may seem unfair but the situations are different, I had support on my head when it came to caring for my dad. I will have nearly zero support. Yes, he has offered to pay extra support but that will just eat into our budget. We are currently trying to save for a house, and I am currently not working as I am in school trying to finish up my degree. Took time off from teaching to care for my dad. After he passed, I did not want to go back to teaching. So ATM I am in my third year into my engineering degree. I do not wish to put that on hold either taking care of his mother.

After I explained all of this my husband just left, and has not returned any of my phone calls. I spoke with my mom, but she was not far from helpful. She found it silly I even went to school in the first place. Got me thinking am I the asshole for not wanting to put my own goals and life on hold again for a sick parent?

Relevant Comments:

[Editor's Note: Several Redditors asked what was wrong with MIL/why she needed care/how long it was expected she would need care. As far as I could find, she never responded with specifics.]

OOP on what care MIL would need right now:

At the moment she needs just some safety and supervision. Meal prep, stuff like that, assistance with some of her ADL's and IADL's. It would not be 24/7 she does sleep a full 8 hours sometimes more, and my husband does pay for her to go to adult day service already.

[Editor's Note: ADL are basic care needs like going to the bathroom, etc. while iADLs are more complex like managing meds, balancing a checkbook. This link has good info on the details.]

UnlikelyPen932:

NTA. You are the caregiver in both scenarios. That is a heavy responsibility with lots of physical and emotional stress in the best of situations. Dad relationship was most likely a helluva lot nicer than the passive-aggressive hate from MIL. Suggest to husband that you can finish your degree and get a better paying job that can ease burdens, time, and money so husband can be a caregiver to his mom. He can cook, clean, change bedsheets, chauffeur, etc. Something makes me think he won't be down with that.

OOP on how finances fit into this issue for her:

He wants me to work on my degree and care for his mother. Yes, she is in an adult day program and he is willing to pay for some level of support but that would eat into our budget to save for a house and put that goal on the back burner.

If he could he would love to leave his job to care for his mother, but he has to wait until I find a job and it would take me years to get to the point where I can sustain our family like he can. My husband does make good money. I would not even earn close to what he makes fresh out of school.

jaykwalker replies:

This is not a good look. He helped you ensure that your dad had care and you should help him in return. I'm not saying you're obligated to care for his mother, but you can't expect him to be okay with you not helping at all. You could get a part time job to contribute to your houldhold expenses to free up more of his time or salary to help his mom.

I mean, what do you expect him to do?

In several comments on this thread, OOP expresses that she thinks MIL should get on Medicaid and go to a nursing home. Others try to educate OOP that Medicaid will not cover all she thinks it will and will still cost her husband a lot of money, or MIL will have to go to a very poorly run nursing home.

Soggy-Milk-1005:

You have a misunderstanding of what is used for Medicaid. They might pay for nursing home care but there are eligibility requirements and restrictions. Medicaid is insurance for medical care for low income adults and children of low income adults. Depending on eligiblity it can also be insurance for medication, dental and vision. Medicare is insurance for those who are considered disabled and those who are of retirement age. I could not tell from your description of your mother-in-law, if she needs around the clock care or just needs a CNA to assist her with ADLs. It's fair that you don't want to be the one who provides her care for her, but you need to support your husband just like how he supported you. You have to compromise something so you can switch to part-time school and a job so your husband can cut back on his hours, quit school and work multiple jobs so that he can stay home to care for his mother or you can continue as you are going to school full-time without a job and put the plans for house on hold so that your husband can pay for someone to help his mom. But right now you're sounding pretty selfish because you don't want to give up anything to help your husband and his mother and it doesn't matter that your father was nice and his mother isn't you still need to support your husband. If he decides that he wants a divorce because he can't be with someone who won't be supportive then you're going to have to give up a lot more than a delay on buying a house, you'll have up also put your degree in hold so that you can work to pay the bills that alimony won't cover. So do you love your husband and want to stay with him while making a smaller sacrifice or do you want to lose everything because you refuse to compromise now?

Fluffy_Tumbleweed_70:

I don't think you are the AH for not wanting to care for his mother but you don't seem to be bringing any solutions to the table either.

What should your husband do about his mom? Should he do nothing? Let her go to a government facility that is pretty shitty?

You don't seem willing to allow him to spend anything meaningful on his mom either, which may make you an AH.

I know you don't like his mom, but if you love HIM you will help him figure out an approach that he can feel good about.

Several Redditors suggest she get a part-time job while finishing her schooling (for engineering). She already has a Master's in Special Education (but hated teaching and quit), so there are many fields she could work in to help support hiring care for MIL without doing it herself.

OOP's response:

Unfortunately, he does not understand that I need to finish my degree and it will take time for me to earn enough to get to the point to support him like he supported me. He expects me to work on my degree while also caring for his mother. Yes, he is willing to pay for support but he does not understand I do not have the headspace to deal with both. He does not get that I was not the sole caregiver for my dad, I had siblings and other family step up to help. I was not doing it alone with some paid help on the side.

[yesimreadytorumble](https://www.reddi...

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[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

OOP's response:

Unfortunately, he does not understand that I need to finish my degree and it will take time for me to earn enough to get to the point to support him like he supported me. He expects me to work on my degree while also caring for his mother. Yes, he is willing to pay for support but he does not understand I do not have the headspace to deal with both. He does not get that I was not the sole caregiver for my dad, I had siblings and other family step up to help. I was not doing it alone with some paid help on the side.

yesimreadytorumble:

it’s very telling you expect him to work 80 hours a week to support you and yet you cannot extend him the same courtesy

OOP:

IF his mother was not a PoS sure, I would love to.

When asked to expand on what MIL has done to her, OOP is very vague, then clams up:

She is passive aggressive towards me, makes passing judgements and stuff. She should respect me as her son's wife end of story.

SpiritImpossible903:

Like what? What are some specific things she’s said? What judgements?

OOP:

Does not matter.

schux99:

Have you actually read any of her comments.

SHE WAS NOT HER FATHERS CARER. She just tries to make it seem like she is in the post.

SHE WORKED FOR 2 MAYBE 3 YEARS. She has not been killing herself to work. She is a dramatic AH who admits they can't multitask.

SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM REDUCE HIS HOURS.

SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM STOP WORK SO HE CAN CARE FOR HER.

SHE REFUSES ANY OPTION THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS.

SHE IS AN AH

AITAH does not have a consensus bot. There were a lot of NTAs, but there were also a lot of YTAs, ESHs and NAHs. NTAs might have slightly more than the rest but it was hard to tell.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Update June 26, 2024

Original Post for those interested, I am making an update because I received a few DM's requesting how things have progressed.

My husband has been staying with his mother, my sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets. I also spoke with my mother again, and she still falls on the side of my husband. At this point I am strongly considering going through with what my sister suggestion. Divorce now will favor me more, instead if I wait until resentment boils over.

I have only been able to speak to my husband once during this time, I did offer a compromise he waits until I find employment that matches what he makes or at the very least half. He become visibly annoyed because waiting until I get employment that matches what he earns now will take years, and getting a job that only cover's half of what he makes will still require him to work longer hours until I graduate. He keeps pushing I go back to teaching for now and work on my degree part time.

I told him I will not delay my degree for a person that hates me. As many mentioned I asked how come he never put his mother in her place when she was passive aggressive towards me. He recounted the times he did stand up for me, but in the same breath he asked what did you expect me to do ignore my mother because she would not listen? Then even had the balls to quote our current situation as a means to justify her feelings towards me. He asked me loaded questions that do not match the situation like would my parents like him if he put us in a situation where I had to work 84 hour weeks regularly to keep a somewhat comfortable lifestyle.

In my opinion that is not fair because once had I had to explain he offered, I did not ask him to do any of that. He was the one that came to me and asked if I wanted to stop working to care for my dad and focus on being around him. Why would I say no to that? We also both agreed that going back to school to so something I would enjoy more than teaching was not a bad idea and once again it was his idea to fully fund it. I offered to take out loans but he told me taking out loans just to defer the payments for a later date seems silly, and we should look at programs and school that fit within our budget as a family so I can graduate debt free. In short he said it makes no sense to take on debt for a second career at our ages.

I did not do any of this unilaterally like he is trying to do using our marital assets to fund his mother's care. No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story. He loves to bring up what I did for my dad, but the part he does loves to overlook is he did not actively take part in the care of my dad. He did not move in with us, and he never had to physically take care of him. These situations are different, I also had family to help, he has no one. I get being an only child sucks, but that is not my fault.

So most likely I will be divorcing my husband because he refuses to see the difference, and I find to do what is best for my future overall.

Relevant Comments:

The comments were pretty resoundingly against OOP this time:

Korilian:

Tbh I get her not wanting to be the caretaker to a hostile mother in law and delaying finishing her degree and getting back to work. What pushed this over the edge into YTA territory is that she also objects to helping pay for MIL's care, when HB had been bending over backwards to support OP and its working his ass of being the some breathwinner, which incidentally doesn't leave him ANY time to be a carer for his mom.

If OP is that close to finishing her degree and getting back to work their income is about to increase and presumably will continue to increase. The fact that OP isn't willing to make any sacrifice after all the sacrifice HB made for her makes it clear he's better off without her. Its just sad she clearly intends to fleece him for whatever he's worth.

ConflictNo5518:

I had to go read the original post. You're not the A for refusing to be a caretaker for your MIL. However, that will mean your husband will need to either cut back on his hours of work to help his mother or pay for a caretaker which will cut into expenses. Yet you're not willing for him to pay for a caretaker for his mother because that comes out of the marital assets? What? He's been breaking his back supporting you while you didn't work and took care of your father. And he's likely paying for your continued education. Or you're paying for it from your savings but your husband is still covering everything else in the household. Marriage is a give and take and while he should have asked and not expected you to take care of his mother, I don't see any give on your part, only taking. That part makes YTA. You're incredibly selfish. Is this even real?

Southern_Bar_8915:

OP hasn’t worked since 2016, doesn’t help at home and doesn’t want to help her husband all while he’s been busting his ass working over 80 hours a week and yet people want to act like she’s a victim.

Mizu005 gives context from OOP of what MIL has done to OOP:

So, just an FYI. In another post she pretty strongly indicates that the 'awful things' her MIL said about her were actually her reading OP like a book and saying she was a parasite that was all take and no give.

My MIL has never done that, even now she is just doubling down on it. Saying stuff like how she always knew this was the person I was.

So, I have trouble feeling much sympathy for her crying about how awfully she was treated. Its not an insult if it is true, and by all accounts OP is proving her MIL right about how she was taking her son for a ride and only using him for his money.

nextstopFREEDOM:

Your husband is a good guy. He OFFERED you the chance to spend more time with dad and fund it. OF COURSE you wouldn't turn it down - but wait - since he initiated the idea, I don't owe him for it at all! You're definitely right that the situation is different - because your husband is generous enough to think about you and your needs and try his best to make you happy, while you are only considering yourself. The fact he agreed to fund your mid-life crisis i.e career change without asking anything in return is further proof. Don't u think he has also sacrificed so that u could achieve these things? In what shape or form have u repaid him now other than dumping him when youre facing a challenge? And pls dont absolve yourself with all this "He offered" BS. If anything the fact that he can offer first should make u feel even worse, not better about it.

getting adequate support is a different topic. It could probably be done with proper planning and compromise. But youre far far from that point now. What u said is exactly right - hes an only child and has no one else. Except u. And now he knows he cant even count on u, his wife. I feel really bad for him.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 1 points 2 months ago

LouisianaGothic:

YTA and a parasite.

I remember the original post, people were on my neck because I point out how ridiculous you were for trying to dictate the finances that only he inputs into so that he wouldn't care for his mother.

No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story.

But according to you your stbx should be your financial plan.

my sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets.

So your husband unilaterally funded you to stop working to care for your father, return to school debt free, and live comfortably, now you're plotting and scheming to to divorce him for a share of marital assets you do not contribute to so that you can limit his ability yo help his mother. Wow with a wife like you who needs enemies? You and your sister are terrible people.

My heart breaks for the poor guy who laboured 84 hour weeks to help you give your father dignity, pursue your dreams and live well, he probably thought you were in it together.

celticmusebooks:

I'm confused, you've not been working since 2016 and your husband has been working the literal equivalent of 2 full time jobs to maintain your lifestyle? YIKES ON BIKES divorce is going to massively upgrade his lifestyle-- are your sure he's not setting you up to get the divorce here?

While you shouldn't be expected to do all of the caregiving for his mom, particularly since she's not treated you well in the past HOWEVER he is absolutely within his rights to use money he earns to help with his mom's care.

If this is a true story and not just ragebait I think that divorce isn't going to work out for you the way you think it is.

Mizu005:

From OP:

He asked me loaded questions that do not match the situation like would my parents like him if he put us in a situation where I had to work 84 hour weeks regularly to keep a somewhat comfortable lifestyle.

In my opinion that is not fair because once had I had to explain he offered, I did not ask him to do any of that. He was the one that came to me and asked if I wanted to stop working to care for my dad and focus on being around him. Why would I say no to that? We also both agreed that going back to school to so something I would enjoy more than teaching was not a bad idea and once again it was his idea to fully fund it. I offered to take out loans but he told me taking out loans just to defer the payments for a later date seems silly, and we should look at programs and school that fit within our budget as a family so I can graduate debt free. In short he said it makes no sense to take on debt for a second career at our ages.

YTA, you were happy to accept him going out on the limb for you so you could help your dad and now that its one of his parents in need you want to ditch him because he has ceased being an asset to you. It blatant clear cut hypocrisy no matter what spin job you tell yourself about how 'well I never asked him to do that for me, I just accepted when he offered'. It sounds like his mother was fully justified in never liking you, guess she could tell you were all take and no give and would ditch him the moment your cold little heart calculated the marriage had become a net negative financial asset to you instead of a money maker. I recommend that you go ahead and leave him now, give him a chance to find a wife who actually does care about him instead of just seeing him as a piggy bank that has run out of cash.

Edit: Jesus, I just read the original post. This man has fronted you the money to pay for 3 years of schooling after you had a mid life crisis, decided you hated teaching, and told him you wanted to go back to school to become an engineer on top of helping you care for your dad? And to do this he busted his ass working 84 hour weeks to make sure the standard of living didn't go down from what you were used to and you didn't have to tighten your belt? At this point I have to hope this is a bot post, because otherwise damn do I feel sorry for this man.

Editor's Note: OOP has said she will likely divorce her husband, but hasn't begun the process. Although she hasn't indicated she will update, I will mark this as ongoing.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See Rule 7.