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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-07-04 04:52:24+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/j_boryviter. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

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Original Post: June 25, 2024

I (f34) had been with my husband for over 12 years. We had our child when i was 31, and my husband 33. Sadly, recently (1.5 y. ago, when my baby was around 2 y.) my husband, the love of my life, died in a tragic accident (careless driver hit his car on a foggy slippery road, he died instantly in a crash). His death left me in shambles, only thing that kept me at least sane was our daughter. I couldn't believe that i lost him. He was my rock, my light and I loved him dearly. In a way I still cannot believe that he's gone.

That's where my ex comes in. In about year after my husband's accident, he reached out to me to talk, to vent maybe. We separated long time ago, couple of years before I've met my husband. We didn't exactly stay friends but were on good terms, and spoke occaisonally - hi, how are you kind of talk. So he reached out and offered to help as a friend. It was unexpected but I accepted because I really needed a friend and frankly I don't have a lot of close friends besides him.

He occaisonally came over to our place, brought some gifts to my daughter and we talked over tea or a beer. It wasn't intimate - he had several casual relationships over the years, and I clearly told him that I'm not ready for any relationships after my husband (still not ready, i guess).

So he came over once or twice a month, he was very sweet with my daughter, so I didn't see anything wrong with them bonding. But then my baby started calling my ex papa. It annoyed me very much, but i didn't say anything, because she's a toddler - how is she supposed to now any better? I tried gently explaining to her that my ex isn't papa, but i doubt she understood. So I just started sending her to my or my husband's mom when my ex came over. In truth I know our baby won't remember her father - photos is all she'll have of him. And i don't want another man to take his place in her eyes.

So everything was normal again. I noticed that my ex was visibly upset when I told him that my daughter isn't home. But i didn't think much of it. And last time is where I snapped. That's where i might be the AH, because I ended up screaming at my ex and probably should have handled it better. So when he was at our house and we played some video games and had couple of beers, my mother brought my daughter home early - she was very grumpy and wanted to go home. He stood up and told my daughter - here's MY baby, I missed you! And reached to hug her.

That's where I snapped at him. I told him angrily that he is in fact not her father, and that she is my and my husband's baby and will never be his baby no matter how much he wants it. And if he wants to have a child he still have plenty of chances with his girlfriend. He told me I was a real ah for saying such cruel things and left. My mother told me that I was kind of an asshole too and I acted like a child. So am I?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NAH. I think you took some unresolved trauma out on him, and also that him calling your kid his baby was pretty clueless since he presumably will not be her father. He's more of an uncle, if we want to use family terms at all. I think you should apologize even though he was also wrong, assuming you want to be friends and have him in your kid's life. Hopefully he will understand that it is a sore subject for you right now and parts of it will obviously be a sore subject forever.

OOP: Thank you! I think you're right. I still take everything concerning my husband to heart and my ex's words hit very close to home. I don't think i was wrong in what i said to him, but i was wrong in the way i said it. After thinking about it for some time, I think I do want him in my and my daughter's life. He is a very good friend and very supportive (especially in my time of need), so I shouldnt have lashed out at him. I think I'll try calling him to apologize and communicate my issues clearly. Maybe he didn't even mean anything by his words and just loves my baby and expressed it a bit clumsily. But I admit his words really triggered me in the moment.

Commenter: Nah. You are still heavily grieving the loss of your husband. You should in my opinion apologize to him and explain your thoughts. He can accept the apology or not. If you are not currently in therapy you should really consider it. I have a friend whose son’s dad passed away when he was 3. Same thing. Only pictures and basically no memories.

OOP: Thank you for you advice! I believe you're right - I should apologize and explain my feelings to him clearly. I didn't express my concerns earlier and than exploded unnecessarily. I should set some clear boundaries with him - explain that i'm still hurting and don't want him to call my daughter "his" baby in any way. If he's ok with it, that'll be great. If not, than I won't have a choice than to stop speaking to him for my own sake.

I am currently in therapy - it is helpful, but it's a long process.

And sincerely sorry for your friend and her son.

Commenter: Since you have a baby, you will need enact clear boundaries w/ him. It's possible that given you two's romantic history, he doesn't realize he's crossing lines. But once you let these boundaries be known, it's up to him to follow them and you to enforce them. Don't let him bully you! You're the mom and dad to your baby.

OOP: You are right! My first priority is my baby's well-being. And although some of my relatives say child needs a father figure - I think that's a load of bs. If I meet a nice man (at least as great as my husband) - than maybe. But it should be on my terms and not forced onto both on me and my baby.

Commenter: If he only came back into your life because of the baby, I think there is something going on here. There are tons of bad people out there who insinuate themselves into single mom's lives to get access to the kids. 

PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER! You don't need your ex. You dumped him for a reason already.

OOP: I'm not really sure if he has some ulterior motive about my baby. Maybe he's too projecting some unresolved issues maybe not. He's generally a good person and a good friend. But you're right he was a terrible boyfriend (we were very young and our relationship was clearly toxic - but we've later talked and decided that we're much better friends than lovers). But it is clear to me now after posting and thinking about the matter that, firstly, should apologize for yelling, secondly - set some clear boundaries about him and my baby. If he won't accept that, that's his right, but we won't speak anymore than.

Commenter: NTA and this seems to be some ploy on his part to get back with you and has extended to creating a relationship with your daughter.

OOP: I don't think he wants to get back with me, though i'm not completely sure. We did brake up for a reason - we were young and stupid, and our relationship was completely toxic. He is a good friend though. Some time after the breakup which was surprisingly calm we talked and decided to stay in touch. We weren't close friends, but we were friendly. He was very supportive after my husband's death and helped me a lot.

I won't deny there's a bit of nostalgia about the times we were together, but its more of a running joke now. We can say, do you remember when we were together so and so happened and we laugh. I in fact do not want him as a partner - he is terrible boyfriend and judging by his demeanor with his numerous girlfriends - that didn't change. He initially didn't express any interest in having children but maybe he's projecting some of his own issues onto my daughter.

Commenter: This whole situation is bizarre to me. I don’t understand why you’d allow your ex this much access to your kid. I understand needing the support but the situation is suspicious af to me. In general NTA…

OOP: Thank you for your input! You are right, i believe i was wrong for introducing them at all. I was a wreck and needed support, yes, but my priority should be my child. First year after my husband died, a lot of people came over to offer condolences and some help, my and my husband's family. My daughter was always by my side, she once called my husband's brother papa - but they look so much alike, that it is understandable. And i kinda missed the fact that my ex's visits and gifts can be a problem. I was too late to understand that i need to set clear boundaries and it is inappropriate for them to bond if i do not want any relationship besides friendship with my ex.

On the term Papa:

Thank you for your input! I didn't mention it in my post but we are european and term Papa is actually more common here. Maybe it wasn't even his intention and he did it subconsciously. I was in the wrong to scream and yell, but we definitely need to set some clear boundaries if this friendship is gonna...

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