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How can I help my burnt out girlfriend? (lemmygrad.ml)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by AdmiralDoohickey@lemmygrad.ml to c/askchapo@hexbear.net

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She is at the point where she has a work-related breakdown at least once per week, and wants to quit her job. If that's what it takes for her to get better I am completely fine with it, but I can't help but think that this would happen in any job, because:

She wants to work the exact hours listed in her contract, without counting breaks of any kind so she effectively works more than 8 hours per day. She doesn't want to cheat her employer, despite knowing about wage theft.
She doesn't want to inconvenience anyone, so she consents to doing things that are too much for her. The biggest offender here are the work trips, she is very introverted and socialization tires her out, especially considering that she fakes her facial expressions and the way she speaks in order to fit in, so having to do that for 4 consecutive days with her coworkers is really taxing for her. Despite that, she goes anyways, because she doesn't want to inconvenience her manager and coworkers and comes back in a worse state than before she left. This also applies to working on things she doesn't like, which might have been avoided if she tried speaking to her manager (who is a pretty decent person luckily).

I have also been burnt out during uni, and from experience know that if you don't stop on your terms, when your body and mind "tell" you you are at your limit, you are going to collapse in a much worse manner, so I want to prevent this somehow. But I feel like I can't do anything except observe her walk a dangerous path without robbing her of her agency and that's frustrating. Does anyone have some ideas for this?

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[–] IvarK@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think it's worth trying an "if if not for you, do it for me" angle. Her getting burned out doesn't just hurt herself, it also hurts you (and others close to her). Just like the two of you probably have boundaries in your relationship related to giving each other space and so on, she needs to set boundaries in her relationship with her work.

From your description it sounds like she might be neurodivergent which I understand can make it trickier to "just stop doing bad thing lmao". Once you're in that place mentally it can also be hard to really see the damage you are doing to yourself. It might be easier for her to see the value in being a little "selfish" (as in not vending over backwards for her employer) if it is framed as a way to make someone she cares about (you) happier.

Of course I don't know the specifics of your relationship or her as a person, this is just my take. Much love, comrade!

[–] AdmiralDoohickey@lemmygrad.ml 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Yeah what you are saying is right, I just don't want to pressure her considering she is in a bad state right now (without a sufficiently high anti-psychotic dose she self-harms and is suicidal). I also suspect that she is neurodivergent but she doesn't want to self-diagnose (due to the same absolute honesty that lead to [1]), and her psychiatrist doesn't want to diagnose her while she is depressed (which I think is gender bias bullshit because he didn't even need to diagnose me to call me an aspie lmao)

[–] Magician@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

"There is no clear-cut, objective answer to the question “Am I Autistic?” because every human’s internal experience is wonderfully subjective and ever-changing. If you feel at home amongst Autistics, appreciate the stim toys, broad social acceptance, and accommodation tools we have to offer, and acknowledge that you stand to gain from our liberation, then you have a place in our community — no matter how you identify, or who first identified you. We are stronger together. We can more effectively fight for disability justice when our ranks are larger and more diverse. There is no reason for us to gatekeep and limit a person’s ability to join forces with us."

From this article.

It's totally fair to not want to self-diagnose, but if her needs at the moment are similar to what a neurodiverse person needs, then the priority is meeting this needs.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm trying to logic bro in this situation.

As for ideas on how you can help her, I'd suggest using the fall season as an excuse to pull back some socially. I have a hard time saying no, myself, but my legitimate concerns around covid were treated as more valid and I felt more confident advocating for my health like that. If talking about covid concerns won't stress her out more, I think that's an honest and valid approach to getting work accommodations. And also wearing a mask has allowed me to disengage from people. I don't get asked to do social things as often and I'm able to relax my masking behaviors.

I think if you wanted to set a self-care routine together or a journaling thing, something to let her slow down and process, that might help ease some of the stress after work. If you set a steady schedule together, she can honestly say no ( "I'm sorry, I can't stay after today, my partner and I have plans at this time." Or "I'm going to have a harder time staying later because of this thing I'm doing with my partner."), without lying.

I've asked my partner in the past to call me at certain times to give me an excuse to leave. If you and your girlfriend are cool with it, being able to blame you for not overworking/socializing might feel more comfortable for her until she gets some mental bandwidth back. It might make her coworkers have slightly negative opinions about you though if either of you care. But as you said, sexism means a woman's opinion is less valid or sympathetic than her partner's and they might ease up on her if they think she's trying to make space for her partner.

You could offer her the opportunity to roleplay conversations at work so she feels like she has an idea of what to say. Just rehearsing a conversation sometimes is enough to make things easier.

Finally, if you're ND yourself, you can do things together that help you and normalize her doing it for herself. Like communicating your needs to self-soothe or have quiet time with low stimulation. It doesn't have to be attached to a diagnosis and if you both benefit from self-care, everybody wins

I'm not sure on your relationship dynamics or your own personal bandwidth, but I hope you and your girlfriend find a solution that works. Take care, comrade!