Communicate, communicate, communicate. You can't let this fester.

Sorry you're dealing with this. ☹️ My unsolicited opinion? Just like the husbands who want a wife that will do all the cooking/cleaning/childcare, this seems very unequal. You need to have honest conversations with your wife about the division of work, both at home and away from it.

Children are a huge responsibility and I don't believe any household should have one parent doing all household labor, regardless of who works, income levels, etc...

Hey. I hear you. If you ever need to talk, I am sincerely here to listen. You do not have to go through this by yourself. And I echo @someguy3@lemmy.world’s sentiment: communicate with your wife about how you feel. If need be, seek marriage counseling.

Good luck OP! Again, you are seen and heard and not alone!

Is she bringing in enough money for the household? Can you afford to be a stay at home dad? Because it seems that's what she wants.

I relate to this so hard. My SO travels all over for weeks at a time for work, comes home and tells me how much fun they are having, and I am stuck home effectively being a single parent 3/4 of the time.

If anything is broken or messy it stays that way until I personally clean it up. But I am 'not fun' because I am sleep deprived and occasionally depressed, so I have to project positivity through sheer force of will.

I think it is unfair that you are the primary breadwinner while still having to manage the home entirely.

I do the same exact thing like you, since I work from home and have a very flexible schedule, except picking up the kids. School bus does all that. I'm actually ok with it. I love my family and enjoy doing all this to make them happy. The only difference is that my wife is very thankful and she always makes sure she lets me know that. She always mentions how she appreciates what I do and she makes sure to do as much as she can when she can. She just got a new full time job and is very happy with it. Her having a full time job has helped us tremendously as a family. It's a team effort. She happened to work in office and I'm at home, why not use that to save on daycare and babysitting? You need to communicate with your wife. Whatever you said here on Lemmy needs to be said to HER. She needs to know that. Maybe she is oblivious to all of this and being honest with her will fix things? You won't know until you've done it. Talk to your wife, friend. Wish you the very best, and hope things work out for y'all.

I feel for you, man. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully you feel a little better after letting it out.

Are you seeing someone about your anxiety? That seems like the primary issue. My spouse is a stay-at-home parent while I work full time and I still have all the responsibilities on your list. It's often stressful, but that's being a parent. If it's pushing you into anxiety attacks then you definitely need to address that first.

You'll also have to be clear on your limits. If she wants you to organize playdates and you don't have any time left then make it clear they won't get organized. There are only so many hours in a day.

You are an amazing man helping your wife through a big transition. But the dialogue has to be there to discuss balancing work, family, and personal lives. From what you described you're basically doing everything for the family. Once the dust settles in her change there will have to be adjustments to responsibilities.

I'm a father of 3, and I am the only income in my family. My wife stays at home as the home maker, she knows her duties. I know mine. And if they change we are both doing it together. Things are getting expensive here, so financial decisions are made by us both. Not just me. Even though I make the money. And family decisions are made by us. Even though she's spending the majority of the time raising the kids. It's a team effort. A family effort. If she's stepping away from being part of the family that both of you helped create then there needs to be communications on the next steps. Whether you do it together, or a 3rd party via therapy.

It seems you're highly supportive but your side isn't being heard.

My little brother's wife had little interest in raising kids so it all fell on him. Without him, there may have never been love felt by his child. Her only interest was her career and living the high life. Having kids requires so much sacrifice which can make it very challenging when only one parent accepts the sacrifices. But he's reaped the rewards. His wife doesn't have much of a relationship with their child now that they're an adult. And she's kind of okay with that. Right now. The future has a way of biting us for the sacrifices we chose to pass on to others. I imagine as she ages, she'll have regrets that can't be walked back any more.
If you put in all the effort, the kids will remember. The future you're sacrificing for may bring greater value than what you sacrificed. She may even see and hear about all you do together as a family, minus her, and want to become more part of what she'll be missing.
None of that makes it easier now, and not having any free time to decompress really sucks. With all the micro time management you're going to be doing, hopefully you can find time for yourself to fill your wants and needs.
If your spouse doesn't appreciate you or consider your needs, that's another issue to find a solution for that kids certainly complicate. Relationship issues are tough to work through and if either or both people don't look at themselves in a mirror it can be insurmountable for the time. Then your choice becomes going into a holding pattern or finding someone else who can fill your needs you spouse won't fill, or last; walking away which won't make anything easier even if it can solve a problem

You’re a good father a good husband and a good person. Don’t ever forget it.

It really seems like your job is a huge part of this problem. She has exciting new role energy for her job which has coordinate with her old job giving her praise. You on the other hand seem to be in a job that you either hate or don't like very much. You are jealous of what she has with her new role.

I am going through the exact same thing with my job and my spouses job. She has an emotionally demanding helping profession job which is draining emotionally but she is great at it, loves her coworkers, has autonomy and does something useful for the world everyday. My job while much higher paying is a high stress and yet boring corporate job in which I get little praise and high complaints. I have been so jealous of her when she talks about work even when she is complaining. We have talked this through and I am going to find something better for myself but I understand the jealousy. I am both proud of what she does and jealous that it isn't me. Relationships are complicated like that and you need to understand each portion of it.

You seem frustrated about the additional emotional labor and reasonability you are getting from her new job. This is highlighting how much emotional labor you have to put with at your job which you can't give to your home life and family. It is exhausting putting on fake and false face for your job. This need to hide everything at work and its getting you in the habit to hide at home. Look for a new job and talk with your wife about how her new job is bringing up these complicated feelings about your role. You got this but need to talk it out

I'm confused about the kid pick-up and your WFH days. Wouldn't it be easier to do that on a WFH day?

Have a meeting and allocate the work better and if you can, get help with cleaning or childcare. We get house cleaned to have weekends free, and my kids have done babysitting for other families so that the parents could get stuff done.

You are going to feel overworked with 4 kids, I've been there. It does get better as they get older. But if you are both working, use some of that money to buy back some of your time.

If you feel this way, how long can this work for?