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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-18 05:01:03+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/obvythrow
How do I (28/F) get my bf (29/M) to understand that I don't want to be her (26?/F) friend?
TRIGGER WARNING: hostile work dynamics
Original Post Sept 10, 2017
My boyfriend, Lee, and I have been together for two years. We've been living together for one. Before we moved in together he was living with a friend from work, Kim. In the very beginning of our relationship (1-2 months in) I was approached by a lot of his coworkers telling me that Lee and Kim used to hook up a lot. That, of course, made me feel uncomfortable. And instead of being an adult and talking about it with him I got drunk one night and had a breakdown. Not my finest moment and I've apologized to both him and Kim about my behavior. Lee assured me nothing ever happened between them and that it was just workplace gossip. I completely believe him and, even if he did sleep with her, it's in the past and he's completely committed to me. After we moved in together his contact with Kim dwindled to just the workplace and occasional get together with mutual friends.
Unfortunately, Kim was not so forgiving about my little immature moment. I didn't have the breakdown in public or around Kim but Lee did tell her about it for some reason. I wasn't too happy about that but I made it a point to try and take Kim out to lunch and drinks and apologize. I thought all was well but apparently it's not. Over the last two years Kim has been nothing but awful to me. If we're all out to dinner she ignores me, rolls her eyes if I start speaking, will cut in front of me as I'm speaking to people like I'm not even there. Whatever. I get it. I tried to be nice but I'm not her biggest fan either.
What has really set me off is the fact that Kim is above Lee in management and is in charge of expansion. She has approached Lee multiple times about going to open a new branch of the company in a city that is a three hour FLIGHT from where we live. Now, opening a new branch for this company requires the person to live in that new city for at least two years. And she has put Lee's name in the running even though he has told her straight up he does not want to go. I'm fucking livid and, surprisingly, he is, too. But he doesn't see it as a slight towards me, just that she'd like someone experienced to open the new branch. (And he's the most experienced in the company to do it, so it could be that.) But...I don't know, I feel there's another motive as well.
After all of this Lee still wants me to try and be friends with her. I have told him that a friendship between us just isn't in the mix. I've tried everything to get her to like me, thrown her surprise birthday parties, moved her into a new apartment while she went back to her home state for an emergency, I even bought her a tour at her favorite distillery all to no avail. I'm done trying. I've told him that I, in no way, want him to stop his friendship with her but I would rather he not talk about our relationship with her and that I'd rather not be in a room with her/have dinner with her unless there isn't a sizable crowd where I can pretend she's not there. I can deal with her at birthday/holiday events but besides that, I really don't want to be around her.
He's obviously hurt that we can't seem to get along and he keeps trying to push me to be her friend. Apparently he still thinks that she needs "more time" to get to know me and see how sorry I was about a mistake I made two years ago that I've tried so hard to correct.
So, my question is: How do I get Lee to understand that Kim and I will never be friends and that I really just don't want to be around her if I can manage it?
tl;dr: Boyfriend's old roommate/friend and I don't get along for a lot of reasons but he's still pushing us to be friends. How do I get it through his head that we will never be friends?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ScooterMcGooder
How bad was the blow out? Were you yelling? Throwing things? Hitting? That may have a lot to do with why she is being so cold to you.
OOP
Not bad. I got mad and screamed at him but she wasn't home. I didn't throw anything or hit anyone. Just a lot of drunken crying and yelling.
Update - wayback machine Seot 22, 2017 (12 days later)
So it wasn't really popular and I didn't really respond in the thread but I did read all the responses. I appreciate the time people took to reply and give their advice, as well as the people who DM'd me and really help me figure out the situation.
So, to start off, I talked to Lee to really get down to whether or not he did sleep with Kim. He swore, again, that it never happened and he would have no reason to hide it if it did. I asked him if maybe Kim had a thing for him that he didn't know about and he thought about it and figured it could be true.
I told him again why I didn't want to be her friend and how I didn't like the way she treated me. He wasn't aware of how bad it was so I asked him to make a conscious effort to try and be more aware when we're hanging out together. (He's very aloof about a lot of things, makes me glad I made the first move in the relationship.)
So a week goes by and a couple of his buddies from work want to go out to dinner. We agree and when we show up Kim is there. She hugs Lee but then ignores me. I thought Lee missed it until he looked at me and gave me a raised eyebrow.
Dinner goes on and Kim is doing her usual thing of ignoring me, rolling her eyes when I talk or just rudely interrupting me. When she went to the bathroom Lee turned to me and said "I definitely see it and I'm so sorry." So that was really nice to hear.
As dinner was winding down one of Lee's coworkers gets up to make a toast. He goes on and on about Lee being such a hardworker and how they're going to miss him when he moves to the new branch. I was shocked so I just said "what?!" without realizing I said it aloud. Lee was just as shocked and told them that he hadn't taken the job and he didn't want the job. That's when Kim said that he was one of the top 3 picked to go down.
Lee. Was. Pissed. He got up to go get another drink and I went with him. When he found out that Kim put his name in the running he went to the higher ups and told them it was a mistake and that he was not interested. Which means Kim must have found out and talked the bosses into putting his name back in the running. We ended up leaving early and going home. I told him I'd support him if he wanted to go but he is very much against going. He now sees why I didn't want to be friends with her and why my assumptions about her were completely true.
He went back to work on Monday and asked to be moved to a new department that's not under Kim, he went to HR about Kim overstepping her boundaries and he's even thinking about finding a new job where he doesn't have to interact with her.
I'm so glad he finally saw what I saw and he's completely done with Kim. I'm excited to see how losing her will help improve our relationship in the future and he promises to be more aware of how his friends treat me and to respect my wishes/not force a friendship on me if I don't want it.
tl;dr: Had a serious sit down talk with Lee, he promised to be more aware/alert when Kim was around, went to dinner with coworkers and Kim, he saw how rude she was and he saw how she's manipulative on a different level. Lee is cutting Kim out and trying to find a new position/job so he doesn't have to see her again
RELEVANT COMMENTS
LostSadConfused11
Now that your husband has taken back all control from her, you need to take steps and protect yourself in case she lashes out. Make sure you lock down your social media and block her everywhere so she can't see what you're up to. Check locks on your doors and consider installing security cameras in case she goes full psycho, since she knows where you live. If she is his manager, she has access to a lot of your husband's personal info, including DOB and possibly SSN. Keep tabs on all your accounts and make sure she doesn't misuse that info to put him at risk of identity theft. It's good that your husband talked to HR so hopefully she can't do much damage at work. He still needs to be vigilant though, and avoid being 1-on-1 with her in case she tries to accuse him of something.
I know I sound paranoid, but with her level of crazy, it's better to be safe than sorry.
OOP
Definitely didn't think about any possibility that she could go postal but, you're right, we should be aware and be ready for anything just in case. I might ask that we get security cameras that we can take with us because we plan on moving to a new place in a couple of months. I'll definitely let him know to keep an eye on his personal stuff and keep checking in with HR if he notices any difference in her behavior at work.
~
Pannanana
Wait, they're ex ROOMMATES .. and she's his boss?
Were they roommates first, or coworkers first?
OOP
They started at ...
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