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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-18 05:02:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WallowsEcho
My (26M) girlfriend (26F) gave me an ultimatum regarding a group trip
TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior
Original Post Nov 8, 2024
I (26M) really need an outside perspective on a situation with my girlfriend (26F).
For starters, my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Throughout our relationship, things have been mostly good. Our schedules conflict a bit, and we’ve had our issues, but we make it work.
A big issue between us right now is over a good friend (28F) of mine. For clarity, I’ll refer to this friend as Violet.
For some context, me and Violet are part of a small friend group. There’s two other people in the group. We met while attending a film festival around two years ago now. We were all waiting in line to enter the theater. The line was long, and we all kind of naturally struck conversation and hit it off. We kept in contact afterwards.
Everyone in the group is mostly long distance. So we can’t hang out in person altogether too much, but we talk daily and have weekly group gaming sessions and anime/movie watchalongs. Violet lives the closest near me pretty much in the next town over, so we see each other in person the most outside of the group’s virtual meet-ups.
I do want to mention that I invited my girlfriend to each virtual and in-person meetups, and she turned me down every time. I try including her, but she doesn’t want anything to do with it in large part because she doesn’t particularly care for our interests. Stuff like anime, manga, or gaming is childish to her. The movies we watch are mostly older era films and films that were restored, but she’s not into those either.
This disconnect between us was an issue before I even made this group of friends. It’s not like she’ll engage in these things to spend time together. Like I grew up on game nights. I’m not even talking about video games necessarily. I’m talking board games, card games, etc…, but she doesn’t care for that.
She either shuts it down and goes off to do her own thing, or if she does actually watch something with me or play a game, then she makes it known that it’s a chore for her, and she belittles whatever it is increasingly throughout. She calls it joking, but it feels more like belittling. It gets to a point where I don’t even enjoy whatever we’re watching or playing.
I’m not particularly a huge fan of reality TV, but I still watch with her and try genuinely engaging because, for me, it’s not about the show so much as it’s about spending some quality time together.
So my friendship with the group has been a nice change of pace and has brought some balance, but it’s become an ongoing issue in my relationship. Recently, the group has been putting together a trip to this upcoming anime con. The event lasts for a weekend, so the plan was to stay together at an AirBNB and split the cost.
My girlfriend is outright against the trip because of Violet. She doesn’t like my friendship with her and doesn't really seem to like Violet at all. She has a general annoyance whenever Violet’s involved and gets upset whenever I talk or hang out with her. We could be having a disagreement about something entirely unrelated, and somehow it’ll circle around to Violet. She also calls Violet a “pick-me girl.”
When the trip was first being put together, I invited my girlfriend. She had no interest in coming and later expressed an issue with me going. She doesn’t like that I’d be staying in the same house as Violet during the trip. I offered a compromise of me just booking a hotel and meeting up with everyone, but that wasn’t an acceptable option for her either.
Nothing I propose she’s willing to hear me out on. It’s all on deaf ears because she knows Violet’s going. The trip has become a major point of contention between us. She now says that it’s proof that I have feelings for Violet because I keep defending her during arguments and because I won’t let the trip go.
I haven’t let the trip go because I would really like to attend the con, and it’s rare that everyone in the group’s schedules link up like this. My girlfriend views it as me taking a getaway with Violet.
She’s firm on her position on the trip and has given me an ultimatum. She said I could do whatever I wanted but know that if I went on the trip, then I'd be choosing Violet over her and that she'd act accordingly.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not saying her feelings are invalid. Her feelings are her feelings, but I feel that she’s being unreasonable and that her insecurity about my friendship with Violet is baseless.
I feel pulled in two different directions and now this ultimatum. All I do is compromise in our relationship, and it just feels one-sided. I don’t understand why this one thing would be a dealbreaker. How do I go about addressing this with her now?
TL;DR My girlfriend has given me an ultimatum regarding a friend group trip and I don’t know what to do. How do I go about addressing this with her now?
TOP COMMENT
catharticargument
So your girlfriend dislikes your friend group, your friend violet, and thinks your interests are childish. My advice would be to date someone who actually seems to like you.
Update Nov 11, 2024
I (26M) wanted to give an update on the situation with my girlfriend (26F) and her ultimatum.
First off, thank you to everyone who commented and reached out. I really appreciated the feedback. It gave me a lot to consider.
I didn’t get a chance to reply to comments, so I’ll address those questions in this update as well.
A lot of people asked how my GF and I even got together. We knew of each other back in high school, but we didn’t move in the same circles. We actually ended up going to the same college and bumped into each other at a party.
So I think that’s where our initial connection began. We were in this big college pond, and having a familiar face from back home made adjusting easier. We didn’t start dating until later, though.
Things felt more like a mutual respect back then. It was after we got together that it was almost like this overnight, complete intolerance.
I was also asked why she considered my friend Violet (28F) a pick-me girl. I honestly don’t know. The definition as I know it doesn’t fit Violet, imo. When I ask my GF, she only says that a woman knows another woman. She won’t elaborate. She never pinpoints specifics.
My GF was known to have a bit of a mean girl side back in high school, tbh. We discussed this before we started dating, and she seemed to work through that in college. But now it feels like that side very much shows whenever it comes to my interests or with anything involving Violet.
In regard to the ultimatum, I went back and forth on what I should do and what I wanted for me individually and for my relationship. I decided to still go on the group trip.
I do believe compromise is part of a relationship, but this ultimatum isn’t that. It’s an attempt to bulldoze in order to have control instead of working together.
I had to ask myself if I did go along with this ultimatum, then what will it lead to? What stops other ultimatums against my interests or whenever she sees fit?
I still wanted to give another shot at working things out, so I had that talk with my GF and let her know of my intentions of going on the trip.
I told her that I understood her feelings and that she does matter to me, but I felt that this ultimatum wasn’t healthy going forward for anyone involved. I again invited her to come on the trip, with her either staying with us at the AirBNB or her and I staying at a hotel, and I thought the trip could be good for us. That was a no-go.
There wasn’t any compromise she was willing to accept. She was still firm on the ultimatum and said she made her position clear, and if I was still going on the trip, then there was nothing more to discuss.
She kept repeating on and off that she hopes choosing Violet was worth it. I told her it had nothing to do with Violet and that she was the one making an entire group trip about Violet. The discourse wasn’t anything productive.
I asked her if she would please reconsider the situation. She said there was nothing to reconsider and that the choice is in my hands. I asked if we could talk again after the con to see how we were feeling, and her exact words were, the only conversation I’ll be having is with the walls because she won’t be in our place anymore when I get back.
Ever since then, she’s barely said a word to me, and my texts are left on read. So, I guess I’m unofficially being given the silent treatment.
I don’t understand why it has to be this way. We should be able to communicate. I don’t feel equally supported, seen, or appreciated in this relationship anymore.
It’s a mess, but a lot of the feedback I received on here and the recent argument has been a wake-up call, and there has to be some kind of change.
I do think the trip would be a nice refresher, and it’s my intent to still go. I don’t believe I’ll be any better off not going, tbh.
Thank you to everyone again.
TL;DR Update on my girlfriend giving me an ultimatum regarding a friend group trip.
**RELEVANT COMME...
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