depression_now!

You can, and should, normalize saying suicide and kill myself; at least when we’re having these types of discussions. And I say this because I know it’s a social stigma that makes people uncomfortable.

It’s supposed to make people uncomfortable.

Part of the overall problem is that we as a society decided that saying things like suicide and killing myself is so horrible we have to hide away from speaking about it directly. So we make up euphemisms or we censor words. It demeans the severity of the topic; and make no mistake, it’s a serious topic.

I think about killing myself multiple times a day too. Back in my early twenties, I attempted suicide no less than 5 times: from cutting my wrist with a dull razor blade, to getting drunk and taking a bottle of antihistamines and going up top a ten story parking deck and hoping I’d be fucked up enough to not be scared of jumping; it’s real, it’s important, and it needs to be discussed sometimes.

If you feel like the well-being of your friends is enough to keep you here, then start with that, but don’t stop. It’s never enough to live for someone else. You should go deeper and find something more meaningful to you that will keep motivating you to wake up every day. Set some obtainable goals that you can work toward. It can be anything that motivates you and doesn’t necessarily need to be life-altering or huge.

But also a word of warning: if you live your life for others, you will eventually get let down. Make sure you have a solid plan b in place for if/when that happens.

It will hurt lots of people.

I am not a professional, and I encourage you to find one.

In the meantime, try to focus on the things that make you happy. Renegotiate the things that stress you out.

Same boat. I'm just done with the constant bullshit struggles.
Not wanting to hurt my family is the only reason I still bother to put in even the barest of minimums towards surviving this bullshit society.

I can relate to that pretty well. I still struggle with that internal conflict. If you’re a person who cares about the people in their life and understands pain and never wants to spread it like me, I don’t think there’s a satisfying resolution to it.

It’s not totally healthy and a therapist likely wouldn’t recommend it, but I’ve over time learned to hold on really tightly to the love I feel for the people around me to keep going and helping others is sometimes the only peace I ever get.

If you feel like you can’t end it now that you fear hurting the people you care about, you should take that care further and talk to them. Ask them how they’re doing and what are their struggles. Instead of fearing if you’ll add to their pain, try to help alleviate some of it. You may not be able to solve their problems, but you can listen to them, let them feel heard and let them know you want to understand. Just that means a lot to people and when you see how it improves their mood, it’ll feel good and it’ll feel like you have at least a tiny bit purpose in the world.

Edit: I just noticed you said English isn’t your first language and I honestly didn’t even notice. You write more clearly than most natives I know.