Ask Lemmy

Counseling. Please. Quickly.

https://988lifeline.org/

Call or text 988 for help with suicidal thoughts

Do not try to "gut" through things alone

hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

some people in here are taking the view that society is less kind to men than to women. everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess.

I wanted you tell you though that I share your experience to some extent; I went through a breakup maybe 6 years ago and I lost almost all of my closest friends in that breakup. I'm not even on bad terms with my ex, lol. but it did just shake out that way. I've needed to build new roots, and I've had to do some introspection and learn how to go about building roots (partly since I'd moved to a new place).

hang in there. I don't really want to say "let yourself move on" because your story is part of who you are, and right now that breakup and that rift with those friends is such an immediate and intense part of your story, but I promise it will become much less immediate and less intense with time.

In a variety of ways, people communicate to men, 'Please don't need anything from me, because I have nothing to give you.'

What you're going through right now is the process of discovering the phone numbers you can stop answering. The flat tires you can stop changing, the computers you can stop fixing, the lunches you can stop lending, the favors you can stop doing.

Are you ok? I cant do much for ya but sorry no one has gotten outside themselves enough to see youre hurting.

What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.

I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.

Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).

My family abandoned me after my divorce - my ex husband did some fucked up manipulative shit. (“I want us to be poly/for you sleep with another guy” -> “he cheated on me” when I finally did it to both of our entire extended families.)

What has helped me coped more than anything is new hobbies. Rebuilding a self. I started taking pottery classes and made some outside social connections. Art is a really good means of the self exploration that teaches you who you are and what it means to be a person again. Therapy of course, but you have to find someone that clicks with you.

It’s been about two and half years since it happened. (Well, the divorce itself was a nightmarish year long hell.) I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.

I’d say Google your local vo-tech or library. Show up to cooking classes or book clubs or something. Something new, that honors the new person you must become.

What is your routine like? Do you go to work? Volunteer? Have hobbies?

I ask this because going through a breakup — any breakup — involves a grieving process. Part of grieving is about moving on. A big part of doing that is finding new things to do, new people to talk to, and new things to talk about.

Counseling is good, but talking to other friends and family about her can make it very difficult. If you meet someone new — doesn’t have to be romantic, can be any gender, can just be a friend — can give you a person to talk to and topics to discuss that involve you and your interests and have nothing to do with her.

When you’re in a relationship for a long time a lot of your thoughts and even the objects around you in life get tangled up in that so that when she’s gone these things still remind you of her. What you need is to be selfish — grieving is a selfish process — because you need to reorient your mindset around yourself and taking care of yourself.

Lastly, I think it’s also helpful to have a third space where you can focus on stuff completely outside yourself and all that. For me it’s been volunteering as a tutor for high school kids. It gives me a time and a space each week to forget about everything and focus on something else. Helping kids and seeing them learn is a nice bonus for that. That may not be your cup of tea though, but something else may be! If you aren’t already into volunteering I’d encourage you to look into some volunteer organizations near you and try to find one that fits your interests.

If it's been that long and it's still getting worse, you should see your PCP or a psychiatrist if you haven't already. There are many treatments for depression, and a doctor can help identify underlying medical causes that could be contributing.

I'm sorry that you're in this position and I can unfortunately understand on a deep level on just how distressing it can feel to be alone.

This situation that you're describing is really painfully close to what I personally experienced with one of my own breakups.

Men are often viewed as the ones who should predominantly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and as such shouldn't be given empathy or the right to be listened to.

• an an Enby I've both seen and experienced this firsthand.

It really sucks that these kinds of disconnection happens when reality really doesn't have to be this way.

I unfortunately can't say anything that could possibly fix this landscape but please know that you are not alone. 💪

💖🙌 Your pain and emotional distress is real, you deserve love just as everyone else. 🔥💖

If possible, I'd highly reaching out to your local social empathy/mental help centres as I've personally found help there and they might be able to help you as well🍀🌻

Shitty friends.

I don't have any great advice, I'm sorry. But if you live in Oregon I'll totally buy you a beer and listen to your story.

It’s how it goes. Same thing happened to me at 30, it sucks. Just be happy you don’t have kids together I’m guessing, then you’ll be connected forever attending weddings and graduations. Time to make a clean break and move on, not worth your time to dwell on the past.

Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.

I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.

I'm sorry to tell you but most likely you were demonised, othered and outed. If i were to guess from experience, these people were told your ex's side of the story where she could justify everything without being contested.

I'm also sorry that you have shitty people around you if you're not getting any support from your expected former best friends.

Please please don't kill yourself. I've been through a similar situation myself and I can tell you that it does get better. Keeping clean (free of drugs) and being around people helps. Join your local hackspace or just any hobby group of your liking that does meetings regularly in your area. I have made a lot of friends though my local hackspace (granted, this was when i felt more ready). I'm certain you can rebuild your circle too bro.

I know i'm an online face but if you would like to play some multiplayer games sometimes and chat, feel free to send a DM.

It's going to be OK, brother. I'll check up on you later so keep a look out, yeah? Take care of yourself.

It's really hard to know why people haven't been supportive without knowing you and them better. But how do you know and interact with these folks? Do you have them over for drinks? Play games online? Do they all know each other? Did they know you or your ex first?

Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?

Those "two" possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.

People generally don't go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.

I've never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it's a start.

My guy. I hear you and see you. It’s unfortunate the way things landed for you. Keep putting in the hard work. I wish I had more advice for you, but I’m down in the weeds in a similar “friend” situation myself.

I will say this: do things to take care of yourself. Keep the house clean, make yourself bonafide dinners, and treat yourself every now and again.

Hey homie, I see you're a Canadian, so if you also are an Ottawan and want a sympathetic ear I'd be happy to buy you a beer and chat, and/or help you drown it out for an evening with pinball and loud guitars if that's your speed. Serious offer - if it's of interest don't hesitate to PM, if not no worries whatsoever. Edit: Shit - based on your MP you're not. Offer amended to if you take a trip out here/an open PM inbox

There's a lot of good comments in this thread. In my experience, it's a combination of factors - sometimes a product of your ex shit talking you to your friends, if they were "both of your friends"; often, simply a lack of ability to really relate/be helpful in these situations, and over time getting frustrated with that situation and just saying "bro, get over it". Guys often have a hard time sharing their emotions or holding space for those of their friends, for a lot of reasons.

I have more thoughts on this stuff, but don't know if they would be useful to you. The only thing I can tell you is that it can be a dark, lonely and painful road. But it can get better, and to be crude - it is 100% not worth killing yourself over some bitch (because, based on what you've shared, that's how she specifically was behaving and acting towards you) who made you feel like shit for a long time. All that would mean is that you let her define how your life ended. Fuck. That. You're worth more than that.

Because women get support for things like this while men don’t. Because equality = modern rights + old world preferential treatment.